the monday am qb

Wrecks Grossman's Days Are Numbered

2007-09-24T07:45:00.001-04:00

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison

I'm not sure the number is 10,000, but Chicago Bears Rex Grossman is doing a fine job of finding ways that don't work: throwing into triple coverage, off the wrong foot, etc, etc.

To say he sucks is an understatement. He's a joke. The laughing stock of the league. To think that he's actually a starting quarterback in the NFL is beyond me. His performance last night brought back visions of Rick Meirer, PT Willis, and Henry Burris.

And if I hear one more TV jackass (yes, you John Madden..whom my wife remarked "looks like he's going to drop dead of a heart attack at any moment.") talk about Good Rex/Bad Rex, I'm going to take an axe to his or her shins.

There is no Good Rex. Last season we saw SUN SHINES ON A DOG'S ASS REX. He had a few very lucky games against sub-par opponents. This season he has 1 Touchdown and 6 Interceptions. Last night his QB Rating was 27.5. Nice numbers, eh? Good Rex has left the building.

But now for the tricky part. The Bears Defense is NOW. They are in their prime. Yes, last night they gave up some points, but that will happen when they're on the field for 35+ minutes a game because your offense cannot sustain a drive.

Their Offense is light years from being competitive. The Quarterback is horrible, the Running Back moves his legs a lot then kind of falls forward.

Brian Greise is not the answer. Could it be Kyle "neck beard" Orton? Who knows.

The dilemma that the Bears will face, most likely very, very soon, is how long they can stand by their struggling quarterback. The coaching staff's decision to repeatedly say "Rex is our Quarterback" is not only being questioned by the public, but at this point, you'd think the players also. You can see the frustration in the eyes of every player on the field when he throws an interception (26 since the start of 2006, tied for most in the league in that time frame.)

To say that his approval rating is rivaled only by that of our Commander-In-Chief would be an understatement.

For the sake of everyone in the Second City, hopefully his tenure doesn't last as long.

Not too Shabby

2007-09-24T06:58:00.000-04:00

3-2-1 for the first week. It could have been worse ladies and gentlemen.

While I may not be Sam Rothstein, I didn't have a terrible week.

LOSERS:
Washington -4
NYG 24 Skins 17
One thing became evident this Sunday (besides the fact that Rex Grossman is the anti-christ): The Redskins defense sucks even more than Eli Manning. Eli and the New York Football Giants outscored the Skins 21-0 in the second half, cruising to a 24-17 win.

Bengals @ Seahawks OVER 50
Seahawks 24 Bengals 21
The Bengals couldn't post the 30 points I was counting on to break the over/under of 50, losing to the Seahawks 24-21. Chad Johnson...here's a new touchdown celebration...kiss my fat, hairy, white ass!

THE "A" LIST

Bills @ Patriots -17
Pats 38 Bills7
The Pat's Tom Brady and Randy Moss continued their dominance, manhandling the Bills and moving to 3-0 with a 38-7 victory. (I believe I predicted a final of 38-10)

49ers @ Steelers -9
Steelers 37 49ers 16
The Steelers also paid this weekend, beating the 49ers 37-16, easily covering the 9 points set by Vegas. A 20 point forth quarter sealed the deal and the Steelers move to 3-0.

Panthers -4 @ Falcons
Panthers 27 Falcons 20
Carolina's 14 point third quarter was the difference in the game, helping the Panthers beat the Falcons 27-20 in Atlanta. Thank you DeAngelo Hall. Your 67 yards in penalties helped Carolina finish your team off. And Thank You David Carr. Carr entered the game after Panther's QB Jake Delhomme went down with an elbow injury late in the third quarter.

KISSIN' YOUR SISTER AWARD:
Vikings -3 @ Chiefs
Vikings 10 KC 13
The Vikings managed to hold off Larry Johnson all day, limiting him to 42 yards on 24 carries. But the late TD to Dwayne Bowe sealed the come from behind victory, helping the Chiefs avoid a 0-3 start, winning 13-10.

More next Week....

My Dear F'ing Lord It Has Been a While...

2007-09-21T15:03:00.000-04:00

But we're back.

I know everyone has been clamoring for some more of our off key humor, our stupid dick jokes, and our undying ability to bitch and complain about virtually EVERYTHING.

I'd like to kick off the season with some picks. Since we were so good last season, I will preface this by saying if you're a betting man, take the exact opposite of every game I suggest...

NY Giants @ Redskins
Skins -4

The Giants might be the worst unit in the NFL. Their Defense has given up an average of 40 points a game this season. That'd be a great number if we were talking about the Knicks. Not to mention I think Eli Manning is a colossal Vag.

That's the hottest piece of snooch Eli's ever had his small gay hands on...

Skins 28-6

Panthers @ Falcons
Panthers -4

This one's in a Dome. Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith are going to have career days against a Falcons Defense that has been somewhat stingy so far this season, only allowing 18.5 points per game. Unfortunately for the Falcons, their Offense has been dismal, scoring a total of 10 points in two games this season.

Panthers 31 - 10

Bengals @ Seahawks
OVER 50

Both teams should be able to score at will. This one is going to play over by a minimum of 10 points.

Bengals 35-31

49ers @ Steelers
Steelers -9
Pittsburgh is averaging 30 points a game while only giving up 5. Even by my math, that's a very good situation to be in.

This chick is our friend on MySpace. She's super hot and a Steelers fan. That's enough reason for me...

Steelers 24 - 9

Bills @ Patriots
Pats -17

Tom Brady and the Pats will move to 3-0 on the season with an easy win against Buffalo at home. Buffalo has managed to average 8.5 points per game, while the Patriots have scored 38 in two consecutive games while only allowing an average of 14 points against and 56 yards rushing in the same span.

Then Brady goes home to that.

Pats 38-10

Vikings @ Chiefs
Vikings +3

Ah, the Chiefs. A team that could give the Giants a run for their money. Kansas City has scored 13 points....all season.

There's nothing more to say here. I'm as sure of this game as I am that Dane Cook's a dousche bag, Barry Bonds is a cheat, and Wayne Brady is a white.

And let me go on record as the first person to plead the case for Brody Croyle's wife's Marvelous Cans to be named the starting QB of the Chiefs....

Vikings 28-12

Cubs' Prior out for the Season

2007-04-25T17:28:00.000-04:00

Giant Vigina. Huge. Massive.

PUSSY.

A Serious Moment

2007-04-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

In a place where boobs and 5th toilet grade humor tend to play a big role in our content, it may be strange to see a serious post.

One day after what is being dubbed the worst mass shooting in history, people are still trying to put the pieces back together.

Why is a shooting at Virginia Tech news on the Monday AM QB? Because Va Tech has been, and most defiantly will continue to be a force in Collegiate Sports.

So, in an effort to not be long winded, I say this: On behalf of the entire staff here at the Monday AM QB, the deepest sympathy and heartfelt remorse go out to everyone effected by the terrible acts that took place yesterday in Blacksburg, Va.

Eliminating “Thuggery” in the National Basketball Association:

2007-04-12T14:52:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I haven't really been an active participant on the MAMQB lately, but with good reason. Because of my schedule, I decided to kill the proverbial two birds with a solid stone's throw, giving me the inside track on completing some master's degree requirements while also trying to keep Big Willie from ousting me from his less-than-ambitious roster of writers. That said, here's a piece I wrote for my most recent class, which has bearings on some current events in the world of professional basketball, which I admittedly must report I know little and care less about. Man, I can't wait for football season.

Eliminating “Thuggery” in the National Basketball Association: A case study focusing on the positive and negative outcomes of NBA Commissioner David Stern’s actions to better manage the league’s image.

Having dropped a nefariously intolerable solo rap album, this is the only "fan hit" Ron Artest could ever hope to deliver.

Abstract:

Over the past 19 months, three major National Basketball Association (NBA) policies have been issued by the league’s commissioner, David Stern. These new policies, which include an updated dress code for public appearances, a “no-tolerance” rule for in-game behavior, and a separate “leave your gun at home” clause, were and continue to be met with scrutiny and/or support from three main stakeholder groups—players, analysts, and fans. This case study will provide a comprehensive overview of the impact these three policies have on the aforementioned stakeholders.

Background:

Commissioner Stern and his colleagues recognized what they perceived as a negative image emanating from the NBA, based on a variety of incidents taking place on and off the court. These incidents included—but were not limited to— individual and/or team fights, players independently producing rap albums, and off-the-court disturbances, along with what was identified as a general disrespect for the integrity and history of the game of basketball.

In addition, Stern and his staff concluded that improving the league’s image would not only boost its integrity, but also, if done correctly, could benefit the league financially. Stern deduced that offering his publics a cleaner, more responsible product would also result in increased attendance and supplementary corporate sponsorship. This extra money could then be reinvested to increase player salaries, in turn bringing additional parity to the league and its teams. With parity in place, select teams could no longer dominate teams whose salary caps were extraordinarily higher than others.

About the Commissioner[1]

From nba.com:

“David Stern… was unanimously elected as the NBA’s fourth commissioner and began his tenure on February 1, 1984. Since then, the NBA has added seven franchises; enjoyed a fifteen-fold increase in revenues; expanded its national television exposure dramatically; and launched [two additional] League[s]. Interest generated by the league’s growing international initiatives has led to the televising of NBA games in 215 countries in 43 languages.

“…Mr. Stern began his association with the NBA in 1966 as outside counsel, joined the NBA in 1978 as General Counsel and became the league’s Executive Vice President in 1980. During those years, he had a hand in virtually every matter that would shape the league, including the landmark 1976 settlement between the NBA and its players leading to free agency; the collective bargaining agreement that introduced the salary cap and revenue sharing; professional sports’ first anti-drug agreement; and the creation of NBA Entertainment, a marketing, television and multi-media production company that has been telling the NBA story in award-winning fashion for two decades.

“…Mr. Stern is the chair emeritus of the Trustees of Columbia University and serves or has served on the boards of Beth Israel Medical Center, the Rutgers University Foundation, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, the Martin Luther King Jr. Federal Holiday Commission, the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund, the Museum of Television and Radio, and Jazz at Lincoln Center. He is also a member of the Council on Foreign Relations. A native of New York City, Mr. Stern is a graduate of Rutgers University and Columbia Law School.”

Actions and Policies set in motion by Commissioner Stern:

To assess the situation with credibility, we must first establish the following specifics:

1. Dress Code: On October 17, 2005, Commissioner Stern implemented a mandatory dress code for all players in the NBA. In sum, the dress code stated that all players dress in business or conservative attire when (A) arriving and departing venues during games, (B) on the bench while injured or (C) conducting official NBA business—i.e. press interviews, charity events, etc. Moreover, if a player does not suit up for a game, he must follow the dress code set forth for coaches, which typically includes a sport coat, dress slacks, and business shoes. Clothing or accessories prohibited by the Commissioner’s mandate included jerseys, jeans, hats, do-rags, t-shirts, large jewelry, sneakers and Timberland style boots. Violating this policy would result in fines and possible suspensions for repeat offenders.

2. Zero-Tolerance: Beginning with the 2006-07 NBA season, Commissioner Stern backed a new rule regarding the penalization of argumentative players in game situations. This “Zero Tolerance” rule gave referees the ability to call technical fouls when players heatedly complained about calls made against them.

3. “Leave your gun at home” clause: On October 25, 2006, Commissioner Stern said that he “would prefer his players leave their firearms behind when they go out.”[2] “It’s a…widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically…although you’ll read [about] players saying how they feel safer with guns [when] in fact those guns actually make them less safe. And it’s a real issue.” To be clear, however, this policy was simply suggested by Stern, and the outcome of this suggestion is yet to be determined.

Things Commissioner Stern has done correctly:

In the broadest sense, Commissioner Stern has done several things correctly. Most importantly, he did not skirt the issues that were presented to him. With advice from his colleagues, Stern took immediate action on several key issues that were consistently being addressed by media analysts and fans. Had he waited to make decisions on any of these important issues, the most probable result would have been increased backlash from his constituents and stakeholders.

Secondly, Stern upheld his policies with the best interest of all involved stakeholders in mind. Stern realized he was losing trust from all three key stakeholder groups—players lamented the rising brutality of the sport, analysts were questioning Stern’s ability to remanufacture and remarket the NBA’s image, and the fans were becoming discouraged by the lack of respect players had for the game and its traditions. Stern moved forward with new policies and procedures that he thought would make a direct and immediate impact on the respect and tradition of the sport itself, the league’s overall image, and the safety of all his players.

In addition to instant product improvement, Stern cemented what many believe is his legacy in the sport of professional basketball by instituting policies that extended the league’s profitability by close to 18 percent in two years – from $43.87 million in the 2004-05 season to what’s projected to be more than $53.13 million in the 2006-07 season.[3]

Analysts’ images of the NBA were also affected by Stern’s quick reaction to these crises. By directly confronting the widespread problems of appearance, violence, and disrespect, analysts had no choice but to retract their previous sentiments about Sterns’ inability to influence league-wide changes in those three categories, shortening the media’s opportunity. Stern’s swift and staunch policy-making gave the NBA new credibility, and public faith was renewed as higher expectations, individual responsibility, and team cohesion once again were becoming the norm.
It must be pointed out that Stern’s actions also served to protect his own reputation. The role of commissioner is unique—when Stern makes decisions about league policy, he is his own public affairs representation. He answers questions about policy changes or new procedures directly from the media—in a sense, this makes Stern his own public relations tactician. The results of his actions ultimately affect his own credibility and trust in the eyes of his players, the media, and the fans. Since Stern is so deliberate in taking responsibility for those actions, the scrutiny that follows is his own, and he is quick to either defend his position, as he has with the dress code, the “no-tolerance” rule, and the “leave your gun at home” clause; or admit his mistake, as he did by reinstituting leather balls in 2007 after a brief experiment with microfiber balls earlier in the season, saying the league should have sought more input from players before introducing the new ball. He continued by saying he would address the players’ criticisms with Spalding, the manufacturer.[4]
Lastly, and most importantly, is the reaction from the fans to the policies and procedures that Stern has put in place. As the major consumer of all things NBA, Stern is obligated to deliver those fans a decent product. When that product is professional-level basketball, three ideals become paramount: it must be embedded with tradition, surrounded in integrity, and steeped in standards of behavior that all players must meet. By protecting and preserving the current and future image and profitability of his product with the policies he’s set forth, Stern has proven that his public relations tactics have the high-caliber efficiency needed to be successful in a world market. His commitment to the fans of the league, coupled with his dedication to the values of safety and responsibility, has restored his credibility among several important stakeholders.

Issues:

Naturally, the good is often counteracted by the bad, and in the case of Commissioner Stern’s league image overhaul, several points of contention have made their way to the headlines. The most damaging, of course, are the complaints from several of his players, independent analysts, and investigative fans that the newly-adopted policies are meant to eradicate what players and the media have coined “basketball’s hip-hop culture.” In essence, many of the efforts Stern has initiated have met with harsh criticisms of the league’s purported racial profiling. The backlash from such an accusation is not easily brushed aside. Though arguments can be made that race isn’t a key element in defining who fits the category of “hip-hop community member,” there are pundits who reason that these policies were put in place for the 73 percent of NBA players who are African-American. Many people in the sports community were hurt and angered that Stern had the authority to control such culturally-affiliated items such as do-rags, large pendant necklaces, and Timberland boots. Stern made a point to identify non-black league players who also wore such hip-hop ensembles, such as Jason Kidd, but his efforts went unnoticed because of the small percentage of non-ethnic players in the league who could be categorized as a member of the “hip-hop” community His strategies to incorporate a business-like appearance and to reduce the possibilities of injury or criminal activity with a gun-control clause were seen as prejudiced and inappropriate, especially for a league in which the majority of players fit the description of what Stern set forth to eliminate.
David Steele, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, noted that the policy change “carries an undercurrent of bias that runs along racial, cultural and generational lines. ... Inevitably… [this] devolves into a commentary on tattoos, cornrows, marijuana use, stretch limos, rap music and unwed fatherhood. Even when the quality of play itself remains the topic, buzzwords that sound painfully familiar crop up: undisciplined, poor work ethic, bad fundamentals, unintelligent play, lack of character, out of control.”[5]
Players also have critiqued Stern’s policies. NBA stars Allen Iverson, Stephen Jackson, and Paul Pierce were adamant that a dress code policy has no effect on character. (“They’re targeting guys who dress like me, guys who dress hip-hop. Put a murderer in a suit and he’s still a murderer,” Iverson was quoted as saying. “Associating hip-hop…with crime or a bad image is racist.”) In addition, sports figures beyond basketball have noted that the NBA targets young, black males, and to deny the league access to the objects stereotypically belonging to the market it targets is completely unethical, especially when the NBA exploits players to its benefit if it suits them.
Analyst backlash has also been an issue. In efforts to prove that the NBA is marketable to a wide variety of cultures, recent NBA All-Star game halftime musicians have included the likes of Gwen Stefani and Big & Rich—performances which former All-Star player-turned-analyst Charles Barkley has publicly ridiculed. In addition, ESPN contributor Jemele Hill thinks that Stern “has the NBA pointed in an elitist direction,” comparing today’s NBA to “a post 9/11 era -- full of fear, worry, paranoia and hysteria.
“It's so frustrating to watch the NBA police itself to death and try to control things it can't,” she continues. “People who believe the NBA is full of thugs will think that way no matter what. The NBA could play Paul Anka at every arena, ban rappers from NBA games, enforce haircuts and short shorts, but that isn't going to stop hip-hop fans from loving the game. If anything, the NBA’s [current] tactics are only heightening the perception that the league is full of thugs.”[6]

Did what Stern do work?

Fortunately, we can break this down into numbers, making the comparison between “pre-Stern mandates” and “post-Stern mandates,” as follows:

Highest Total NBA Regular Season Attendance[7]

1. 2005-06          21,595,804

2. 2004-05          21,296,497

3. 1995-96          20,513,218

4. 1997-98          20,373,079

5. 1996-97          20,304,629

6. 2003-04          20,272,195

7. 2001-02          20,181,131

8. 2002-03          20,074,369

9. 1999-00          20,058,513

10. 2000-01        19,955,981

As noted in the above chart, regular season attendance has increased by more than 1.3 million people. From that, we can gather that Stern’s tactics did work—in the short-term. A question remains, however: despite the short-term attendance increases, should the NBA also expect to see dividends in the future based on the procedures and policies recently set in place by Commissioner Stern? Unfortunately, we can’t know at this time. Players, analysts and fans have offered different yet equally-gripping testimonials with regard to both the positives and negatives surrounding Stern’s decisions. Perhaps we have yet to see the final outcome, but for now Stern’s decisions have had a markedly encouraging outcome for the whole of professional basketball.

Things that could have been done better/differently:

As stated previously, Commissioner Stern’s commitment to changing the image of the NBA has yielded some positive results. Even so, I believe there are elements of his decision-making that may have garnered even more affirmative outcomes. Inexplicably, almost, Stern seemingly turned his back on his player union’s largest demographic and, presumably, largest fan base—African-American males. With what could be described as a blatant disregard for the players he mandates, Stern may have been better off to research what type of impact such decisions would make in the league he oversees. In all elements of public relations planning, research is the first step, preceding action in all models. Though a positive move, it seems that Commissioner Stern may have acted in haste by deciding on these issues without having his colleagues gather the necessary information and feedback he’d need to truly ensure that everyone’s best interests were being served.

Even now, Stern has the option to review the decisions he’s already made, and to evaluate the outcomes of those decisions more thoroughly before pressing on with other initiatives. Again, since public relations revolves around two key components—research and evaluation— Commissioner Stern may benefit from revisiting his decisions and the reasons he initially made them, while also weighing the benefits of those decisions through extensive evaluation. By doing so, the product he offers to players, analysts, and fans alike can improve even further.

[1] Information gathered from http://www.nba.com/nba101/david_j_stern_bio.html

[2]Associated Press, “Stern to players: Leave your guns at home,” MSNBC, 2006.

<http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15419993 >

[3] Inside Hoops, “NBA Salary Cap,” Inside Hoops, 2006.
<http://www.insidehoops.com/nba-salary-cap.shtml>

[4] Associated Press, “New year will bring back old ball in NBA,” MSNBC, 2006.

<http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16158180/>

[5] Steele, David, “Plenty of game left,” San Francisco Chronicle, 2004.
<http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2004/04/17/SPGLB66LRR1.DTL>

[6] Jemele Hill, “Stern has the NBA pointed in an elitist direction,” ESPN, 2006.
<http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/070321&sportCat=nba>

[7] Information taken from http://www.insidehoops.com/attendance.shtml

The only other things I have to add are:

1. Eddie Curry is a useless piece of meat on the basketball court. Here's an official "LOL" to the New York Knick's organization.

"...and they almost got free hamburgers."

2. It's painful to watch Lou Pinella, once full of piss and vinegar, slowly lose his fire and passion for the game of baseball. He either needs to throw a base into the outfield in a tyrade, or simply cut his losses and pass on to the netherworld during another corny artist's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

and 3. Don Imus is the last person on Earth that should ever table a discussion about "bad hair."

(PEACE OUT...A-TOWN, BABY)
RHINO

The NFL Hates Pacman

2007-04-10T14:14:00.000-04:00

This afternoon the NFL announced Pacman Jones, Tennessee's troubled Defensive Back will serve a SEASON LONG suspension for numerous violations of the Leagues Personal Conduct Policy.

Last season Jones was questioned 10 times by police, most recently in an altercation outside a Las Vegas Strip Club on NBA All-Star weekend which left one person shot and paralyzed.

"It is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said announcing the suspension of Jones ALONG with the Bengals Chris Henry.

Henry, who was arrested four times in 14 months and has been a feature story here at the MAMQB many times, was handed a 8 game suspension.

Both suspensions were fully supported by the player's teams.

MLB Week One Recap..

2007-04-09T07:21:00.000-04:00

What do Sco-Jo's semi exposed CANNONS have to do with sports??? I guess it was the socks, they make the photo artistic, and kind sporty. Right?

It’s been freezing cold and even snowing in multiple baseball towns across the nation. Maybe the folks at MLB could roll back opening day a few weeks? Let’s start the season out on March 1st…at, say, Lambeau field.

The Braves have the best record in baseball. (5-1)

Ben Sheets of Milwaukee opened the season with a 2-hit complete game. Yes, I said of MILWAUKEE.

The Yanks Hideki Matsui pulled a hammy fielding a grounder and was placed on the 15 day DL.

Albert Pujols hit the first of many homers to come this season in a 10-1 route of the Astros.

The Cubs will be officially FOR SALE at the end of the season. Some moron is going to pay big bucks to be the proud owner of a team destined for another hundred years of losing baseball.

The Washington Nationals REALLY, REALLY SUCK.

It's OPENING DAY!!!!!!!!

2007-04-02T07:55:00.000-04:00

What does Rachel Bilson's sweet, sweet ass have to do with baseball? Nothin' at all, but it is something else I really enjoy and would like to see 162 times a year.

Today's the start of it all, when the boys take the field in ball parks around the country, dreams of World Series glory will infect everyone from young boys watching at home to old men reminiscing of players past. And for the millions of Cub fans, another year of pain, remorse, suffering, and confusion.

Ahhh, the boys of summer are back (no, not the ones from that lame ass Don Henly song either) for another year.

PLAY BALLLLLLL!

Congrats to West VIRGINA???

2007-03-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

Who the fuck designed these shirts?

MAMQB Writer Guy Monaco cannot be reached for questioning and has become the #1 suspect in the case....

It's the Time of the Seeeeeeason for .....

2007-03-29T06:48:00.000-04:00

First off, I'll be the first to admit it, we let you down. Our coverage of the whole NCAA Tourney has been shitty. But, in self defence, so has the tournament. A Final 4 in which a No. 1 plays a No. 2, ON EACH SIDE OF THE BRACKET? Booooooring.

So with that in mind, I say we just give Florida the Championship, mainly because they've got some ultra fine rah-rah's, like the one pictured below.

Now with College Basketball out of the way, we can talk about the important stuff. Baseball starts next week. Thank god. The NBA sucks for a few more weeks, the NHL is a joke (read last week that UFC, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, has now surpassed the entire NHL in revenue. Nice job Original 6), and the pain from the Super Bowl is just starting to wear off.

The only thing that could save me from sporting depression is baseball. Next week players from around the country will board team chartered jets with their bags packed, leaving behind the sun drenched ladies commonly found in or around the Cactus or Pineapple League cities, and head to their respective home cities to start the long, grueling season.

I won't get into major predictions yet, but I will leave ya with this tasty nugg...The Cubs, with a severe pitching shortage, will win no more that 85 games this season.

First Weekend Recap

2007-03-19T16:19:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have egg on my face. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that I did pick the VCU and Winthrop upsets, and I was right when I said the Nevada-Creighton game would be the best game of the first round, which it was since it was the only OT game that round. And my Salukis are still alive, so I really don't give a fuck if all my other predictions are wrong.

Well, maybe I wish one prediction would have come true: I wish Kansas would have fallen to Kentucky. Now SIU has to play the Jayhawks, and that makes me nervous. Not that my opinion of Bill Self's coaching abilities, or lack thereof, has changed. I just fear that he has recruited such a great squad that even he can't fuck this one up. I hope I am wrong though. Hopefully SIU's defense fucks with Self's head so bad that he has a nervous breakdown. I don't see it happening though.

All I heard today was how the committee got it right this time: no double digit seeds in the Sweet 16, and the sum of all the seeds left is 51, which is the lowest it has been since 1995 when it was also 51 (the lowest it can be is 40, the lowest it has ever been is 50 in 1989, and the average is around 70). Well, I heard about that, and the fact that Illinois choked. Yeah, they blew a double digit lead, but I wouldn't say that they choked as bad as Wisconsin, who was ranked #1 just 3 weeks ago and got bounced yesterday by UNLV. And they looked like absolute dogshit in their first round game.

I also was wrong about Memphis. I still don't understand why they got the seeding they did with the conference they play in, but they beat Nevada, who I thought would run away and hide from Memphis. They're good, but I don't see them going to the Final Four. I've been wrong before though.

Then there's Texas. I drank the Longhorn Kool-Aid, had them in my Final Four. It was nice to hear Kevin Durant after the game say that he regrets not playing harder this whole season. Now, he did have 30 points in their loss, but for him to say that is just stupid. To hear the oafs at the Boo-Yah Network try to defend his remarks and say that he "didn't mean it that way" was even more ridiculous. He meant it, and I think Greg Oden should be thanking him now, because I think that may be in the back of the minds of whatever team holds the #1 pick this year and they will probably opt for Oden.

Speaking of the neaderthal looking phenom who dons a Buckeyes uniform, I only heard a few people actually mention what my buddies and I were saying at the end of regulation of the OSU-Xavier game: The Muskateers got fucked. Yeah, they missed the free throw to seal the game. And yeah, they should have fouled rather than let OSU shoot that 3 to tie it, but if Oden's final foul was not flagrant then I don't know what is. He came up and shoved the guy. Xavier should have gotten the ball after the missed free throw. Although I have OSU in the final game in my bracket, or what's left of my bracket, I wanted to see the upset. After all, thats the charm of March Madness.

Had OSU lost, the Big Ten would have 0 teams in the Sweet Sixteen. As it stands they have one out of 6 that entered the tournament. Same with the ACC. Same amount of bids as the Valley. Same as the Mountain West. Same as the Horizon League. Just more support for an argument that more mid-major teams should be let in with at large bids instead of rewarding the lower teams of the so called power conferences.

No Illiniwek, No Second Round.

2007-03-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

Illinois was hoping for some 12 vs. 5 mojo Friday night, and for 2/3 of a basketball game, they had it. With five minutes left on the clock, the Fighting Illini had a ten point lead and things were looking good for Bruce Weber & Co.

But like a broken down coke slut on the receiving end of a Johnny Holmes dome shot, Illinois choked.

The Fighting Illini did not score in the final 4:25 of regulation, watching their hopes and dreams of March Magic crumble before their very eyes.

End result: Virginia Tech 54, Illinois 52

The Hokies will move onto round two and face Weber’s former team, the Salukis of Southern Illinois. I for one was hoping Illinois would hold on and win, just so I could see them sent home on Sunday by SIU.

Instead, Weber heads back to his office in Champaign today to put the pieces together. Coach, here are a few tips for next season…

1. Establish a go-to man. Down the stretch, your team does not have a clutch shooter. With 10 seconds left on the clock, whose number are you calling?

2. Get your house in order. Your guys are turning into the Cincinnati Bengals of the NCAA.

3. Bring back Illiniwek. Tell Miles Brand, Chief Running Water, and anyone else who has a problem with him to suck a fat one and get that goofy bastard back on the court.

Lance Briggs = Giant Douche

2007-03-14T17:54:00.000-04:00

Lance Briggs is a dumb fuck. Yup, I said it. And the vulgarities are necessary. I’d call him retarded but that would do injustice to the millions of people who had no say in the process of life that rendered them, well, retarded.

So I’ll stick with Dumb Fuck. It works better for our purposes here.

To recap: After a Super Bowl losing season the Bears began negotiations with Briggs, 26-year-old OLB who was originally signed for $725,000 over four seasons. Negotiations broke down quickly when Briggs rejected a reported 6 year, $33M deal.

The Bears eventually slapped the “Franchise Tag” on him guaranteeing Briggs to be paid the average annual salary of the top five players at his position, which comes to a c-hair over $7.2M for the 2007 NFL season. (FYI-that’s a 1,000% increase in pay in one year. My last raise…2.5%)

Things were quiet for a few days. Then, Briggs came forward publicly stating the Bears should remove the franchise tag or trade him. He even went another step further in an interview on WSCR670, saying he would do everything within his power to leave the Bears.

And early this week Briggs spoke up again, this time insisting he’s done with the Bears and stated he would rather sit out and take out loans to pay his expenses than take the field in 2007.

"I've played my last snap for them. I'll never play another down for Chicago again."

And the whole time Lance was sure to be clear it wasn’t about the money.

Well Lance, here’s a little lesson in MONEY…

The Bears could slap the franchise tag on you for the next two seasons. You’d end up with around $15M. Then, after six seasons in the NFL, move the hell on, get that signing bonus and be done. (Joey Porter got $32M for 5 years with $20M guaranteed this off season. And I got news for ya, you’re not Joey Porter)

$15M for the next two seasons is a fuck of a lot better than $0 over the next two tax years, isn’t it Lance?

If I were Jerry Angelo, I’d let this dumb fuck sit out this season and slap the franchise tag on him again next season, just to prove a point.

More Madness!

2007-03-13T16:36:00.000-04:00

I'd like to first make another comment on Syracuse not getting in: I'm sick and tired of Jim Boeheim lobbying to expand the tournament. The thought of that is ridiculous. So you expand it to 128 teams, then what? There will still be people bitching about their team not getting in. The format is perfect the way it is, leave it alone!

Tonight is the Play in game, oh, I'm sorry it is now referred to as the Opening Round (have to be politically correct here!). Who cares about this game? Nobody. They should do away with it. Or, they should have the last two bubble teams to get in play in it, not two teams who did what was asked of them by winning their conference tournament. Just another way the selection committee sticks it to the little guy.

Anyway.....

EAST

North Carolina gets the #1 seed here, and they deserve it. They have a young, talent laiden team and have one of the premier coaches in basketball. They should have no problem getting past the first round, but the path after that gets a little harder.

UNC will play the winner of the 8-9 matchup between Michigan State and Marquette two quality programs who are having down years. This is another matchup between student and teacher, as Marquette coach Tom Crean was a longtime assistant under MSU coach Tom Izzo. Both coaches have Final Four experience. MSU has a very young team, but I don't know if there is a better coach come tourny time than Izzo. I think MSU will win here and give UNC a run for their money, but in the end the Tarheels will prevail.

The 5-12 matchup pits USC vs. Arkansas. No upset here. Arkansas should be playing in the NIT, not this tournament. Look for Tim Floyd and Co. to blow the Razorbacks out.

The 4-13 matchup has Texas vs. New Mexico State. The Longhorns have the most exciting player in basketball in Kevin Durant. This guy is a stud, one who could carry his team a long way ala Carmello Anthony did a few years with Syracuse. New Mexicao State is no slouch though. Coach Reggie Theius has this program heading in the right direction. I just think Durant will be too much for them to handle though. I will go as far as to say Texas will knock off USC in the next round too.

#6 Vanderbuilt against #11 George Washington. GW is another underrated team and I think they will pull off the upset and send the Commodores home early.

Washington State vs. Oral Roberts. Reminds me of a joke: What do you call two gay guys named Bob? Oral Roberts. Washington State has a great team this year and should have no problem making it to the Sweet 16.

#7 Boston College vs. #10 Texas Tech. Upset here as the winningest coach in college basketball will chalk up another victory and move on to the second round. Air General shouldn't be choking any of his players during this one as the Red Raiders pull off the upset.

That means Texas Tech will play the toast of the Big East, Georgetown. Its the second coming of the Georgetown Dynasty of the 80's: John Thompson III takes over where his dad left off, and Patrick Ewing Jr., who is a different type of player than his dad was (and looks more like a human and less like a star of those Geico commercials than his dad does) make people wax nostalgic of the great Hoyas teams of past. Look for them to go to the Elite Eight.

Coming out of this region I see Kevin Durant take all his anger out on his foes after losing a heartbreaker to Kansas in the Big XII Championship, disposing of UNC and Georgetown along the way.

SOUTH

I think the easiest road for a #1 seed is paved in the South. There Big Ten champion and #1 ranked team Ohio State should go all the way with ease. Yet another young team, most of their players will probably be lottery picks in this June's NBA draft. If not for the new rule of having to spend 1 year in college before going pro this team would be average. But coach Thad Motta rolled the dice for one year here and it should pay off. Greg Oden, who outside the aforementioned Durant is the best player in the game, is just now getting back to normal after an early season wrist injury sidelined him for awhile. In the second round they will play the winner of BYU vs. Xavier. Look for the X Men to win and set up an in state matchup with the Buckeyes where OSU will put on a show.

The 5-12 matchup is Tennessee vs. Long Beach State. Let me first state this: For the second year in a row Tennessee got a gift when it came to seeding. Bruce Pearl is known for openly lobbying with the selection committee and it must be paying off. I'm taking Tennessee here, but that is just because I am not too keen on Long Beach State. I wouldn't be the least bit suprised if there was another 5-12 upset here though. Let's just hope Vols Women's coach Pat Summitt doesn't dress in a cheerleader outfit again, or, worse yet, come out and strip at center court.

Whoever wins there plays the winner of Virginia vs. Albany. Out of the four #4 seeds I think Virginia is the weakest. Albany is definitely a sleeper, but as a safe pick I'm taking Virginia. Whoever wins this game should beat the winner of Tennessee/LBS.

Louisville vs. Stanford. Louisville. Pitino. Playing a team that should not be in the tourny. Louisville kicks the shit out of them.

Texas A & M vs. Penn. Do I even have to go through this one? Acie Law IV is a stud. A&M is vastly underrated. They are playing an Ivy League team. Bye bye Penn.

Nevada vs. Creighton. I love both teams. The Wolfpack went 25-4 and are a # 7 seed? The Bluejays won the Missouri Valley Tournament (#5 conference RPI, in front of the Big XII and fractions of a point behind the Big East, so don't try and use the weak conference arguement this year with them), were in the hunt until the last week of the season for the regular season title, and they are a 10 seed? Nick Fazekas vs. Nate Funk, and Creighton's big man Anthony Tolliver is no slouch either. This will be a can't miss game to watch. This one will go down to the wire, but I think Creighton will eek out the win.

Finally there is Memphis. They got the #2 seed. I wonder who John Calipari had to blow to get that. Sure, they went 30-3 and won their conference tournament, but they play in Conference USA. That used to be one of the premier conferences up until a couple of years ago when the Big East took all of the talented schools such as Marquette, Cincinnati, DePaul, and Louisville. Memphis was smart: they knew they would have free reign over a highly inept conference. I just don't understand how Nevada gets a #7 seed and Memphis gets a #2 seed. Nevada had one more loss, but I challenge anybody to try to prove to me that the WAC is not a highly superior conference over the one that Memphis plays in. Anyway, Memphis should beat North Texas, but who knows? I think North Texas is actually better than any of the teams in Conference USA, so anything could happen. All I know is John Calipari's hummers can't save his ass in the second round where he will lose badly to the winner of the Creighton/Nevada game.

I see a Texas A&M vs. Ohio State showdown in the Elite Eight, with the Buckeyes ending the Aggies dream.

FINAL FOUR

Florida, UCLA, Texas, and Ohio State. There will be a repeat of the football National Championship game with Florida causing even more problems for Ohio State and defending their crown.

Madness!

2007-03-12T16:28:00.000-04:00

Ahh, my favorite time of the year: March Madness. A time when Cinderella can have a glimpse of the slipper for one night. All it takes is one odd bounce of the ball in either direction to keep one team's season alive and end another's. Being the College Basketball buff that I am I figured I'd throw my two cents out there now on this year's tournament.

First, let's look at who got in and who was left out. Of course there is Syracuse. Heard about them all day, heard their coach crying about it all day. I have no sympathy for them. Yes, they probably should have been in instead of a few other teams, but how many teams from the Big East should go? Fuck 'em, they should have taken care of business. If they had a similar record and did not play in the Big East you would not hear one person crying for them.

Air Force. They should be there. Good record, decent Mid Major Conference, and they beat Texas Tech, UNLV, and Stanford, who are all in.

Drexel should also be there. Contrary to what the selection committee (and Billy "Fudge" Packer) believes, America wants to see more Mid Majors in there. The biggest charm to the tournament is the David defeats Goliath games. I know: How many teams from the Colonial Athletic Conference should be there? Well, this year the answer is three: Va Commonwealth (they won the automatic bid), Drexel, and Old Dominion, since they beat Drexel twice.

The biggest snub, and they got snubbed for the second year in a row, was Missouri State. #36 RPI. Their conference (Missouri Valley) is #6 RPI. One of only 3 teams to beat Wisconsin. They should be there.

On a side note, Akron got completely fucked. They lost on a last second three pointer in their conference championship game, got snubbed by the selection committee, then was not invited to the NIT. Horrible.

Now, who should not be in: Arkansas. Mediocre team. Biggest win is an overtime last second victory over Southern Illinois.

Illinois. Another mediocre team. More off-court problems than the Cincinnati Bengals.

Stanford. Year after year they get undeserved credit. In years past they have rolled through a weak PAC 10, been the toast of college basketball, then got bounced in the second round. I hate Stanford, but I love when they are in the tourny just because there are always idiots in the pools i'm in that pick them to go far and their brackets get fucked by this highly overrated school. Well, this year the PAC 10 is great and Stanford's true colors have shown. They do not deserve to be here.

I've read arguments that Duke doesn't belong in the tourny either. This is completely false. Look, they had a bad season by DUKE STANDARDS, but by everyone else's standards they had a good year. If this is their down year then they have a pretty good program. I'm not a Duke fan or a coach K fan, but you have to respect the program that's been built there and they deserve to be in the tournament. What they don't deserve is a #6 seed.
They got that on their reputation alone. They should have been in the 8-10 range.

Lets break down the regions now:

MIDWEST

Florida is the defending champs, the SEC champs, and the #1 seed here. They are for real, and I see no reason why they should not go all the way again. Sure, they hit a little skid at the end of the regular season, but they did that last year too before they won it all. They are tough and have plenty of experience. They should have no problem at least making the Final Four.

The most intriguing first round matchup is the oh so famous 5-12 game where Cinderella usually comes from. Here we have Butler vs. Old Dominion. Butler was great in the beginning of the year, but they have faltered toward the end. I don't think they deserve a #5 seed, but I'm not greatly opposed to them getting it. ODU is for real. They are scrappy and tough. I'm taking Old Dominion getting to the second round.

There is also the 6-11 matchup between Notre Dame and Winthrop. The Fighting Irish better be prepared for a battle here. The committee fucked up: Winthrop should be seeded a few slots higher. Another upset here: I'm taking Winthrop. The Midwest also has Oregon as a #3 seed. Oregon is tough, and I look for them to knock off Wisconsin and make it to the Elite Eight, but lose to Florida there.

The 7-10 game is UNLV vs. Georgia Tech. UNLV is another sleeper. They should beat the Yellowjackets, and I wouldn't be surprised if they upset Wisconsin in the second round.
Lon Krueger is a hell of a coach and he has a hell of a team, even though nobody gives them much respect.

WEST

Kansas got their #1 seed, so for once a Bill Self squad should not get bounced in the first round. There's no doubt about it: this team has talent. Talent wise they may be the best team in the tourny. That being said I don't see them getting past the Sweet 16. Hell, I'll be suprised if they get past the second round. Here's the facts: They've had this same team the last 2 years and have not made it out of the first round. A couple of years ago Self left Illinois for greener pastures and his predecessor took the team he built to the final game. Self is a hell of a recruiter, one of the best. But he couldn't coach this team through six rounds of the Special Olympics Tournament. He is not an x's and o's guy. And the committee played a cruel joke on him with the path that they are making this coaching oaf blaze through.

The 8-9 game is between Villanova and Kentucky. Two major schools, one who has a good history in the tournament and the other has the best history in college basketball. Kentucky is like Duke: they are having a bad year by KENTUCKY STANDARDS. They still have a good team. I think they will beat Villanova, but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Nova win either. Here's the good part though: The winner of this game takes on Kansas in the second round, and should beat the everloving shit out of the Jayhawks.

The 5-12 game: Illinois vs. Va Tech. Now, I know I said that Illinois should not be there, but I am not really sold on Va Tech. Plus, Bruce Weber is the complete opposite of Bill Self: couldn't recruit bluechippers even if he offered all the free guns and blow they wanted, but he gets the most out of his teams. He's and x's and o's genius. I think we may have another 5-12 upset here, but I wouldn't bet any money on it.

The 4-13 game pits Southern Illinois (my alma mater, but I am trying to be objective here) against Holy Cross. SIU has a blistering defense that will take teams by surprise and I don't think Holy Cross has seen anything like this, so SIU should move on to the first round. Their second round matchup is where I get nervous. The Salukis beat Va Tech early in the year, but I think that just prepares the Hokies more for that defense. And if they play Illinois then they are playing coach Chris Lowery's mentor, which means that Weber could have the upper hand in game planning. I think SIU should make it to the sweet 16, but I am not sold on it yet. All I know is whoever wins here will most likely make it to the Elite Eight.

6-11. Duke vs VCU. The CAA got snubbed, Duke got more love than they deserve. I'm taking VCU in an upset.

Pitt vs. Wright State. Pitt. Thats all I can say. Pitt.

Indiana vs. Gonzaga. The Zags aren't Cinderella anymore. Their big man likes the gonja more than buckets. Indiana will win.

UCLA will win the first round, then dispose of Indiana. They will then play Pitt, and this could be the best game of the Tourny. UCLA is good, Pitt is highly underrated. UCLA has the Final Four experience from last year, and coach Ben Howland will be facing his former team and former assistant coach Jamie Dixon. I think UCLA will squeek this one out, then win in the Elite Eight and return to the Final Four.

Tomorrow we'll look at the other side of the bracket.

Pokey Chatman in trouble for Poking, Chatting up (not a) Man on her own team

2007-03-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

Pokey Chatman called it quits, resigning as Louisiana State's head women's basketball coach two days ago after the university sniffed out something fishy...perhaps literally.

Pokey was busted by University officials for allegedly engaging in an inappropriate sexual relationship with a former Tigress she used to coach.

Chatman went 90-14 as LSU's head coach, while simultaneously going 1-0 as an infiltrator of 20-year old college hoo-ha.

Dana "Pokey" Chatman (left) is seen here in a rare
non-lesbian moment coaxing wood into an upright
and firm position. The LSU head women's
basketball coach resigned after it was revealed
that she became sexually involved with a former
LSU Lady Tiger that played under her during
her tenure as coach.

Seriously, some women need to just keep it in their pants.

...or keep them in their blouses -- whatever it is lesbian basketball coaches need to do to act appropriately with their female athletes. Between Pat Summitt dressing up like a Volunteer cheerleader and topping the world's most fallible human pyramid and Pokey Chatman getting caught with her hand in her player's honeypot, I'm just waiting for the next big thing to happen in NCAA women's basketball that I can comment on.

They say these types of things "come in threes," but the AP article states that Pokey was only involved with one former athlete, which may nullify the cliche (and my unexplainable fantasy) entirely.

Miami Horror-canes get new coach, better chance at decent lives

2007-03-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

Randy Shannon was announced as the Hurricanes new coach in January. Perhaps now the 'Canes won't be known as the Bengals' farm system.

Shannon's new attitude is of the "shape up or ship out" variety. Let's all thank the Lord for that.

His new rules include:

Any player caught with a gun is off the team and dismissed from the University
Players must wait two years before moving off-campus
Players must maintain a 2.5 grade-point average to stay in the program

"Zero tolerance," Shannon told reporters Monday, as spring practice started for the Hurricanes. "You get caught with a firearm, you get dismissed from the university."

It's good to see but facts are facts: Someone should have done this before senior defender Bryan Pata was shot to death outside his apartment. It should have been done before the 'Canes got into a helmet-whipping contest with Florida International at the Orange Bowl. It should have been done before the Hurricanes went 7-6 and 3-5 in the ACC. It should have been done after the infamous "7th Floor Crew" released a song about "raping bitches" that most certainly was not done tongue-in-cheek.

Miami's been on the decline for years, and I must admit as a Hurricane-hater I enjoyed watching the ridiculousness unfold. Though I am twistedly sad to see the end of the chicanery. However, I'm very happy that the program seems to now to be heading back in the right direction, because there's way more than getting national attention and conference records at stake with some of these kids.

Just ask Jeanette Pata.

Prior, Wood, and Lilly: The trifecta of degeneration

2007-03-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

About the only thing Mark Prior
and Kerry Wood can do with a baseball
anymore is sign it.

Mark Prior, time to put on your big boy pants. The days of being diapered by a sullen group of Cubs starters are over. Kerry Wood can’t mentor you from the Wrigley “bullpen”...even though the 70 feet of unprotected grass along the outfield stripes is certainly within yelling distance.

Yep, it’s time to earn your keep. Look, Mr. 26-year-old “phenom,” you were paid $3.65 million last season for a whopping nine starts (inning only one of them, might I add). That’s over $405,000 per game for your brilliant 7.21 season average ERA.

I have no praise for you, Mark. None. Ask me why.

I’ll tell you why…because other Cubs wounded ducks (read: Kerry Wood) at least WANT to pitch. Wood is legitimately upset that he may never be a starter again. Granted, he gave up a salami yesterday (with a few strikeouts to boot) in relief work. But you know why we tolerate him and hate you? Because you don’t give a rat’s ass where you are, so long as you’re getting paid. The “C” on your red and blue cap may as well stand for “criminal.” You’ve stolen the hearts of the Cubs faithful only to trample us undercleat.

I wish I could show up to work, complain about some carpal tunnel, and get sent to a temp job making the same money I do full-time.

Keeping you and Wood on the roster has once again buried the symbolic head on the body of work that is Cubs ownership deep in its own ass. Signing Ted Lilly for a ridiculous amount of money is somehow the equivalent of sticking out your tongue while your head is up there, just to savor the taste of all those other shitty decisions.

Cubs fans are idiots for their loyalty, and I can say that because I am one. I hate us more than those bastard White Sox right now, and that’s saying a lot.

Outside of pitching, the Cubs are good…on paper. Lee’s back in the lineup, and Soriano will add some slugging percentage to the front end. Ramirez is solid in the dirt, and we own quality behind the plate as well. There’s a good chance we’ll win more than 50 percent of our games.

That’s not my “official” Cubs prediction this year, though. I only really have one prediction for the 2007 Cubs season:

Lou Pinella will have a heart attack in the dugout sometime before the All-Star break within minutes of beating the living hell out of Larry Rothchild.

NEWSFLASH: Women Have no Sense of Direction

2007-03-09T07:43:00.001-05:00

AP is reporting that a 61-year-old ROOKIE Musher in the Alaskan Iditarod has made a wrong turn and has been spotted some 19 miles off course after completing a quarter of the 1100 mile dog sled race.

"Fuck this, I'm taking a nap. She's lost...again..."

After failing to make it to a checkpoint, searchers were sent out on snowmobile and by air to locate Deborah Bicknell. She was spotted on a trail utilized in years past, some 19 miles off course. Officials said they could disqualify her, but will let her press on if she makes it back to the next checkpoint.

Tom Brady: Gizzmaster

2007-03-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Tom has cum through in the clutch again...Rumors have been swirling all day that Mr. Brady has spread his super spunk once again...this time supposedly impregnating Gisele.

Tom, NEWSFLASH: You can have SEX without procreating. Buy a rubber...or two. It's evident you have some sort of SUPER SPERM, so cage it up kid.

Not to mention you keep adding to your already insane "what have you done with your life?" factor that makes us regular fella feel useless. Let's see...3 Super Bowl Rings and 2 Super Bowl MVP Titles before your 28th birthday. The list of woman who have been in your bed is longer than the entire Cincinatti Bengals rap sheet. And now it appears you've dropped your super human seed on not only uber-hot Bridget Moynhan but also the hottest model on the planet, Gisele.

Thanks for making me feel good about myself, AGAIN, Tom....

NEWSFLASH: HGH Makes You a Racist Prick.

2007-03-07T06:47:00.000-05:00

John "White Power" Rocker is back in the news. Seven years after his revealing SI interview where he slurred virtually everyone from Jews, Gays, Asians, and every group of minorities in between, Rocker has admitted to using Human Growth Hormone.

Of course, this admission comes just a day after his name was discovered on a list of clients held by a pharmaceutical company under investigation for distribution of steroids. And Rocker is maintaining it was not for personal advancement...

"That was a growth hormone that was prescribed by a doctor in relation to his rotator cuff surgery in 2003, so I don't really think there is anything to the story," said Debi Curzio, Rocker's publicist.

Then comes the Medical explanation...HGH is not typically prescribed for rotator cuff injuries. And even if it were, getting his fix from Allied Pharmacy of Mobile, Alabama, one of the companies under investigation, is just a coincidence?

Don't think so. We're going to find out a good portion of the league was juicing and this douche bag was just one of many.

Stay tuned...

Bears to Thomas Jones: "Ya know that old saying about a door and an ass?"

2007-03-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

Halas Hall at Conway Park
1000 Football Drive
Lake Forest, Illinois 60045

From the Desk of Jerry Angelo

Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your work ethic. Thank you for the best three years of your seven year career. Thank you for your intensity, your passion for the game, and for your commitment to winning.

But in spite of all these wonderful attributes, I regret to inform you we have fulfilled your trade request. You will now be a member of the New York Jets.

Yes, the Jets. The Chad Pennington-Kellen Clemens-Patrick Ramsey Jets. The Eric Man-gina Jets. The 10-6 Jets. The Tom Brady makes you his bitch Jets.

It is unfortunate we could not come to some understanding after a Super Bowl Season. Evidently you were unhappy about our wish to move in another direction as a team, namely the Cedric Benson direction. And I know that decision may look like a foolish one from the outside, for someone not within the inner-circle who doesn’t know the grand plan for the Chicago Bears, but I guarantee it is the right move. Cedric, a #4 pick overall in the 2005 Draft, may have held out his rookie season, been plagued by injuries since he entered the league, and has been dubbed a “me” guy, but I know he’s a good fit for this organization.

Not to mention the fact that we’re simply too tight on money around here to give you what you want after your contract expires next season, especially when we’ve got ‘Ced locked up until 2010.

In closing, I would again like to thank you for your contributions to this team during your three years here. Hell, if we had a real quarterback I’d like to think we may have even won it all last season. Oh well, like the North-Siders say, “there’s always next year.”

Enjoy New Jersey, the land of garbage dumps and Tony Soprano.

Sincerely,

Jerry Angelo
Head-Mother-Fucker-In-Charge
Monsters of the Midway

Jake Plummer to Bucs: "Suck It!"

2007-03-03T07:40:00.000-05:00

A day after trade rumors swirled around Bronco's QB Jake Plummer, one time owner of the "I can grow mass amounts of facial hair and look like a douche bag" award (Kyle Orton of the Bears stole that crown this season), and the Tampa Bay Bucs, Plummer has said he would rather retire than play for Tampa.

I've got news for you Jake: You were never that good, and surly not good enough to decide where your team TRADES you. If your team wants to send you to the land of Beaches and Boobs, TAKE THE GIFT THEY'VE GIVEN YOU AND RETIRE. Jackass.

Ronnie Boo Hoo

2007-02-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of year. Time for the living Baseball Hall of Famers to not let anyone into their exclusive club. While I do think it is a shame that some players that are well deserving of being in are not in yet, I am sick of perennially hearing about one thing: Ron Santo.

I can hear it already: "Well of course you don't think Ron Santo should be in. You're a Sox fan" Although I am a fan of the Southsiders, that has nothing to do with my reasonings for not letting Santo in the hall. I was happy as hell to see Ryne Sandburg let in when Joe Morgan openly lobbied to not let him in. I thought former Cub Bruce Sutter was well deserving of being let in last year. I think it is a shame that another former Cub closer Lee Smith is not in considering up until last year he was the all time saves leader. But Ronnie Boo Hoo does not get the nod from me. Here's why:

First, his constant lobbying and crying about not being in the hall. Nobody wants to hear it. He batted .277 lifetime, was 170+ homes shy of the magic number of 500, and was 700+ hits shy of 3000. His own manager Leo Durocher dubbed him as the most uncluch hitter ever, saying that he only got the hit when it didn't matter.

Second, there are already three other Cubs in the Hall from a squad that never made a postseason appearance. The other three have the stats to back up their induction, but Ronnie doesn't.

Third, the lovable Ron Santo that Cubbie Nation has embraced in recent years was not so lovable back in the day. Showboating by clicking his heels rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. I don't even think God liked it--thats why he took said heels away from poor Ron (OK I admit that was an uncalled for blow and I am an asshole for making it but it was there so I took it). I really do feel for him for all the health problems he has had in his life, but sympathy should not be a reason to get into the Hall, and he has tried to exploit that card too.

The real travesty lies in 3 other eligible players not getting in: Pitchers Jim Kaat and Bert Blylevin, and another guy that rubbed people the wrong way during his career and may be getting bitten by his old ways, Jim Rice. I challenge anyone to tell me why Santo should get in before these three.

So in two years when the committee gathers and does not give Santo the nod once again, don't act surprised and cry foul. Just look at everything he has working against him and realize that while he may have been a good player he was not Hall of Fame material.

"But I hit .277! .227!!!"

Football Decisions

2007-02-20T06:53:00.000-05:00

Last night via teleconference the Chicago Bears announced that defensive coordinator Ron Rivera will not be returning to the team. Rivera's contract was up at the end of the season, and he told reporters that he was never offered a new contract. Rivera cited, "football differences" as the reason for the falling out, but was sure to stress the fact that the separation was amicable.

Then Lovie Smith got on. He said the reasoning for the 'firing' (because that's what it is) was that he (Smith) and Rivera were headed in opposite directions. He then took some questions, one of note being "how is this team better without Ron Rivera?"

Smith sounded angry when he replied, "You should trust me as a head football coach to put us in the best position to win football games. It's as simple as that."

What??

Since when is Lovie fucking Smith the end all - be all in the Bears organization? And based on Lovie's comments, this split was anything but amicable. It had NOTHING to do with money, and EVERYTHING to do with the relationship (or lack of) between Rivera & Smith. The team can try and spin this, try and slant it how they please, but the real fact of the matter here is Lovie Smith FIRED Ron Rivera.

Could the real reasoning behind this move be that Smith knows he can control Bob Babich, who has already been named Defensive Coordinator? Could it be that after Lovie sticks with Grossman again next year and the team fails (again) the people of Chicago will be calling for Lovie's head on a silver platter and he doesn't want to give the Bears the ideal in-house replacement?

I'm proposing a new moniker for the Chicago Bears' head coach...Dusty Smith...or Lovie Baker.

I'm going to step out while I'm at it...I'm officially going on record saying the Bears will be worse off next season without Rivera.

May these words echo in the ears of Bears fans around the world..."Rex is our Quarterback. Rex Grossman is a leader. I trust him with our football team as much as anything. You have to feel that way about the guy who makes everything click. I trust him. He's a good leader. He's a good football player. It's as simple as that."

Rot in HELL Lovie.

Badunkadunk? HELLS NO.

2007-02-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Have ya seen the cover of Sports Illustrated's 2007 Swimsuit Edition?

It's graced by none other than the future Jay-Z...Beyonce. I'll be the first to tell ya, girl's lookin' good!

Here's a little taste, thanks to the good people at SI.com

Thick like a Milk Shake? Damn Straight. Ghetto Booty? Hell no.

Jay wasn't lying when he said, " Got the hottest chick in the game wearin my chain."

Other highlights:

Yesica Toscanini
Brooklyn Decker
Bar Refaeli

And 7 Resaons Brazil is the Greatest Country on the Planet..

Yeeee Hawwww

2007-02-19T07:07:00.000-05:00

The Hill Jacks flocked to Daytona en masse’ over the last 8 days to bear witness to the “Great American Race” which is being infiltrated by a new kid on the block…Team Toyota. (Wait..what? I thought this was an AMERICAN RACE??)

After a week of suspensions brought on by illegal aerodynamic adjustments and even Jet Fuel additives found in gas tanks, the race got underway Sunday afternoon. I’ll spare you the details early on, let’s just say 40 cars made an ass load of left turns for hours on end. Some crashed into each other, the wall, etc.

When the White Flag flew someone's grampa named Mark Martin was in the lead trying to hold off a group rushing up on all sides. On the final turn he looked to his right to see Kevin Harvick pressing hard on the high side. Little did he know behind him a massive wreck was taking place. But there was no Yellow Flag...

Harvick would win the race by two one-hundredths of a second, or what the rest of the world refers to as a c-hair.

But the story of the race wasn’t Martin’s inability to hold the lead. It wasn’t Harvick’s jump from 29th to 1st in 22 laps. It wasn't NASCAR's decision to let the two drivers race it out to the finish line without a caution flag.

It was Clint Bowyer. Clint was in contention until all hell broke loose. In a final mile that resembled Days of Thunder, Bowyer ended up crossing the finish line in 18th place…skidding by on his roof with his car on fire.

Now That's RACIN'

Tom Brady: Baby Daddy

2007-02-19T06:33:00.000-05:00

Way to go Tom. First you launch Bridget’s old ass to upgrade to Gisele.

That's understandable. Who wouldn’t want to dip their wick in the hottest piece of poon on the planet? I can cope with your decision.

But to do it when Bridget is Pregnant with your child?

Dick move man, Dick move.

PS: You play in the NFL, not the NBA. Man up.

HE GONE!

2007-02-13T07:04:00.000-05:00

Another one bites the dust.

The San Diego Chargers have parted ways with Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer after leading the team to a 14-2 season and a home play off loss vs. the Patriots.

Marty, who holds the distinction as being the NFL's winningest coach to never make it to the Super Bowl, was fired over a strained relationship with GM A.J. Smith. Chargers brass also sighted the departure of four assistants; Cam Cameron, Wade Phillips, Rob Chudzinski and Greg Manusky.

It should be interesting to see who fills this void. One would think the Chargers would seek an experienced coach since their team is basically Super Bowl ready. But among the names mentioned this morning: Ron Rivera.

Stay tuned for developments...

Super Bowl Report, Part III

2007-02-10T10:10:00.000-05:00

A few hours later I found myself wondering down the strip clutching the tickets I had from the Sports Book. I was sad, depressed, let down, confused, hurt, and frustrated.

How did this happen?

How did the Bears manage to let that homo Peyton Manning beat them?

What happened to our vicious Defense?

What the fuck is up with Rex?

I tossed the $500 worth of paper into the night sky and kept walking.

“Fucking losers,” I said softly to my companion. “I can’t believe it.”

Just then a group of Colts fans passed by screaming and jumping on each other.

“That was supposed to be us,” he said.

As we walked I kept replaying the game. The first quarter we looked like all stars, like there was no way that the Colts could touch us. Then everything went to hell. The Bears team that took the field in the second half couldn’t have been the same group of guys. I think the band beat them with their tubas and trombones in the locker room and took their uniforms. It was a pathetic showing.

They had managed to embarrass them selves, their coaches, and the entire City of Chicago.

And I wanted to point a finger so badly, but couldn’t find a distinct place to direct it.

Grossman played like shit…like he did for the majority of the second half of the season. He botched two snaps, threw two lame duck passes that were easy pick offs. The kid continued to make bad decisions and showed the world that he doesn’t have IT. Yes, I know even some of the very greatest quarterbacks in the history of the game have had some dismal first seasons, and by rights, this is Rex’s first season, but they all had something that Rex doesn’t. They all showed a glimmer of hope, that they understand the game and how to play it. Grossman didn’t show it all season, and without a doubt, didn’t even come close in the Super Bowl. He looked like a deer in headlights in the pocket, refused to scramble, threw terrible passes, and over all made some horrible decisions.

But the offensive line couldn’t block anyone. And Ron Turner made some questionable calls.

And the great Bears defense? How about stopping the Colts on a 3rd and 8? They gave Peyton Manning every pass underneath to defend the deep ball, and he picked them apart. They never made a single adjustment. Never got any pressure on Manning. Tackled like shit.

By the time we got back to the hotel, I had pegged my scapegoat.

Lovie Smith.

Yes, I had blamed this loss on the head coach. He stood by and watched this game get away from his team. He didn’t react to anything Indy did as a unit, didn’t change one aspect of his game. He looked like Dusty Baker on the sidelines.

I was so pissed off and still hung over from the night before I headed back to the room. Before I knew it we were both sleeping. It was 9:30 pm.

Super Bowl Report, Part II

2007-02-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

I’ll spare you the graphic details of the following morning. I will however put it to you like this; my stomach felt as if it contained two wolverines that were in the midst of some instinctive mating ritual where males battle to the death for the right to impregnate the female. And my head felt like one of Bonham’s drums, the pounding was constant and even had a rhythm you could tap your foot to.

I woke around noon to my room mate walking through the door and announcing there was a lengthy line at the Sports Book. He was counting his tickets.

I quickly showered and headed downstairs to place my bets, but when I entered the Book the manager came over the speaker announcing the system was down.

“Ah Fuck!” The short, fat man in front of me announced. He was wearing a Colts’ jersey.

“Easy pal,” I assured him. “There’s still plenty of time for you to place your losing bet. Your boys are going down. I hate your quarterback, and so does eveyone else outside of Indy. He looks like a Special.”

“Get fucked, buddy” he replied with a smile.

Before our conversation could get carried away the speakers boomed once again, with the manager announcing the system was back up.

I approached the big haired lady behind the counter and announced my bets, peeling off a handful of crisp, clean, fresh $100 bills.

“Good luck sir,” she said as she handed me my tickets.

“Don’t need it lady, this one’s a sure thing.”

___________________________________

Twenty minutes later we were in the Colosseum Ballroom at Caesars. There were projection screens on every wall, tables of 10 everywhere, a buffet spread lining the room, and a sports book at the entry way just incase you needed to place a last minute bet. We met up with our group, the same people we had met the previous evening for dinner, and discussed who placed what bets.

“I got Hester 5 to 1 to return a kickoff or a punt,” one of them boasted as he passed the ticket my way.

“Not a bad bet, but the real money is Hester to score the first touchdown of the game. It’s 50 to 1 right now,” I explained.

“That’s a sucker bet. He’ll take one to the house, but there’s no way he scores first.”

I smiled, “We’ll see.”

We made small talk for an hour or so, sharing our stories about the first night in town, eagerly awaiting kickoff. Time flew by. I scanned the room to see it was chock full of Bears fans. I only saw one Peyton Manning jersey. This was a Chicago crowd. This was Chicago’s game.

Billy Joel’s rendition of the nation anthem went under the time Vegas set for one of their most outrageous prop-bets. It was time for kickoff.

The room blew up when the Bears won the toss.

“Looks like a few people got dough on Hester. This could be interesting.”

A few short seconds later I found myself jumping up and down on my chair screaming at the top of my lungs. People were cheering, jumping out of their seats, high-fiving. He was going to do it. 30. 20. 10.

“HOLY FUCK!” I was screaming. “NO FUCKING WAY!”

This was it. The Bears made a statement on the very first play. This game was going to be a landslide reminiscent of Super Bowl XX. I was sure I would be collecting just over $1200 in a few short hours.

Unbeknownst to me….

Superbowl Report Pt. 1

2007-02-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

Ah…breathe deep. Suck it in.

It’s good to be back home, in the cold, where it takes two hours to travel a distance no greater than forty miles on a Tuesday afternoon.

Where thirty car pile ups snarl expressways for hours.

It’s nice to have two feet planted on terra firma after the pilot announced yesterday, after spending nearly twenty minutes in what the airlines call a “holding pattern” (which sounds much better than “hovering over Lake Michigan until we nearly run out of fuel and have to make a decision”) that we were going to “try and land” at Midway. He even went as far as announcing that in winter conditions like the Chicagoland was experiencing yesterday (Feb. 6, 2007) that the standard practice was to “come down hard” and “stop harder” which left me uneasy in my seat.

Yup, welcome back…

After three days in sunny Las Vegas, eN Vee, I have returned a different man.

While most major Sporting News agencies and even a few fellow Bloggers (Kissing Suzy Kolber, Deadspin, With Leather) sent representatives to South Florida (has it struck anyone else strange that they refused to refer to the City of Miami by name?) The Monday AM QB decided it would be a good experiment to buck the trend and send me to Vegas. Here’s what I remember………..

Saturday February 3, 2007.
Day started with a Bloody Mary and a fat sandwich from Pot Belly. There were Bears fans everywhere at Midway International. Chicago was abuzz with Super Bowl Dreams. I sat and spoke football with my travel companion. We were both feeling the same…IF the Bears show up and play, they have a chance. The ‘experts’ were off base. Good for Rex for telling that reporter to suck his ass.

The flight was quick…at least it is when you’re snoring your ass off for the majority of the trip. I woke up shortly before final decent into Vegas. A flight attendant came over the speaker telling everyone to take a dollar out and write their seat number on it. He cracked some smart ass joke that he only laughed at.

“You’re all gonna lose money when you land anyways, might as well have a shot at a winner.”

He was a prick. The cash ended up going to someone a few rows back. The frugal fucks actually wrote two seat numbers on one bill.

“Good for them,” I thought to myself. “That’s more money then those two fuckers brought for their whole trip.”

Shortly after the excitement we were on the ground and deplaning. Our bags showed up rather quickly and we hopped a cab to our casino.

Due to some good planning by my part, we had exactly two hours to check in, change into suits, and head to Caesar’s Palace to meet some associates for drinks and dinner before heading to a Comedy Show at the Mirage at 10:30. I had managed to plan it so I wouldn’t be able to gamble away a single dollar before midnight at the earliest.

Little did I know…

We got lost walking in the Forum Shops at Caesars. Then the people we were meeting were late and even though we had dinner reservations we waited an hour to be seated. The opening act at the comedy show was 100 times better than the headliner but got 1/3 the stage time. He wasn't by any means BAD, but the opener kicked his ass.

I won't share his name with the world, but I'll give you this as a hint...His TV Wife...

By the time we got back to our room to put on some street clothes, I was hammered. I had my heart set on hitting the Sports Book and making a few wagers on the Big Game, but instead grabbed a seat at a Blackjack table. This was sometime around midnight.

My associate busted out and headed to bed around three o’clock in the morning. He was just as drunk as I was, mixing a slew of various liquors over the course of the day. But I was determined to stay up, take the joint’s money, and party with my new friends at the table.

There was Tony Blair, a young black man from London. He talked just like Basher from Oceans 11. He was with his cute wife, an Indian woman also with an English accent. I quickly dubbed her Bend it Like Beckham.

“Can you do me one favor?” I was looking her dead in the face smiling ear to ear, trying not to laugh.

“Sure, what is it you wish?” She had a sheepish grin, but she had been drinking a glass of Pinot Grigio every time the waitress came around, so she was a little tipsy also.

“Repeat this sentence. Hello, welcome to Jumbo Mart.”

Reluctantly, she uttered the words, confused, unsure of my intentions.

The dealer and I started laughing hysterically. Evidently he was a fan of E.R. too.

We gambled for hours, drinking heavily, winning, losing, and shooting the shit. They were on a 4 day layover before heading to Australia for his new job. And Better yet, they were completely oblivious to the high light of the weekend.

“Where you guys watching the Superbowl tomorrow?” I was making small talk. We were running out of topics.

“Waaaaas dat ‘mate,” he looked confused.

“You know, the Superbowl. Football. American Football. Helmets and pads and high speed collisions”

“Ah, we don’t give a minute to that game ‘mate.” He was laughing. “It’s not something we follow. It’d be like me asking you if you were taking in today’s Cricket Match, now wouldn’t it?”

He had a point. To the rest of the world, football is Soccer. And here in America, Soccer is something kids play, not a professional sport followed by virtually everyone with a pulse. It’s strange to look at a sport that means so much to our culture in the eyes of someone who knows nothing about it. Here’s this kid from England in Las Vegas on a HUGE sporting weekend in America, and he has no clue.

We sat and talked a while about the strangeness of the whole thing. Eventually he busted out and headed off. I sat and played for a while until a strange man came over and sat right next to me. There were four other open chairs, but he sat close by and talked even closer.
I quickly learned he had been at the casino for a week. He was moving from Tucson to LA to become an actor.

“That’s thinking outside the box,” I quipped. The dude was creeping me out.

After a few hours he finally leaned in and asked, “So, are you holdin’ man?”

I knew now what his M.O. was.

“No man, I’m not ‘holdin’ shit. First off, I’m no addict. Second off, I flew in from Chicago, so even if I was how the hell am I supposta get shit through security?”

“Well I got a joint if you wanna come up and smoke a bit and catch some breakfast in a while. You’ll smoke a little won’t you man?”

He was giving off the creepiest vibe I’ve ever felt in my life. He seemed like a normal fella, but something about him was fucked.

“No thanks man. I’m gonna go up in a bit and pass out. I’ve been at this since midnight and I’ve been drinking since this afternoon. I really need to catch a few winks.”

“Alright man, that’s cool. I’m gonna hit the bathroom, think about it. I’ll be back in a minute.”

He got up and walked away. I practically threw my chips at the dealer.

“Color me up. I’ve had enough.”

He knew I wanted to get the hell out of there and quickly handed me my chips.

“Have a good evening sir,” I said to the pit boss as I walked away, flipping a $100 chip on the table.

“Mr. B, its 7:30 am, so the correct term would be ‘have a nice morning or nice day’ not good evening,” he was busting balls still.

Earlier in the night he mentioned he was from Detroit and was picking Indy to win the Superbowl. I was getting a little more vocal, and I always try and bend a pit boss’ ear. You want them to remember your face, but not necessarily your name.

“You’re from Detroit, what the hell do you know about football? Your team couldn’t beat themselves. Your GM is certifiably retarded. Marty Morningwig was your coach for chrissake. And YOU’RE telling me about football? HA!”

I strolled over to the elevators, looking over my shoulder the entire way. As I stepped through the doors and put my key card in the reader to be whisked away to the 35th floor, I had visions of getting all pissed to the sheets with that guy, heading up to his room, and waking up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidney missing.

In my old age I was starting to make wise decisions. And with one colorful chip in my pocket worth the initial $1,000 I had started the session with over seven hours prior, I knew I was going to make some wise decisions in the Sports Book the next morning.

After all, in six hours my Chicago Bears were going to win the Super Bowl.

PMS (Post-Mortum Summary)

2007-02-05T16:16:00.000-05:00

First, let me say congrats to the Colts. You beat my Bears, but I'd rather lose to Tony Dungy than to someone like Belichick. In defeat I was able to at least feel good for the winning coach. This guy has 1 losing season in 11 years of coaching but never gets mentioned in the same breath as the other top coaches. Hopefully he will now. I'd like to look at a couple of things from the game, mainly at the quarterbacks. I think one quarterback is getting too much credit and the other is getting too much blame.

Peyton Manning was the MVP of the Super Bowl. What a goddamn joke. The league couldn't wait to anoint Archie's boy with this one. Now, Peyton had a decent game. But 247 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception is hardly an MVP type game. The real MVP, or MVPs, were Joseph Addai and Dominick Rhodes. These two carried the Indy offense and if not for them the game would have been closer. One could also argue that the MVP should have been someone from the defense. I would not have had a problem with this at all. But Peyton as the MVP? Please, he had an average game. But hey, he won, and that's all that really matters in the end.

Now onto the other quarterback, Rex Grossman. I caught myself yelling at the radio and TV all day today when the so called "experts" were analyzing him. "Rex cost the Bears the Super Bowl". "Rex should have been benched for Griese". "He can't be the starter next year". "The Bears should think about bringing in Jeff Garcia". FALSE, FALSE, FALSE, AND FALSE!!!!! First Rex did not cost the Bears the game. Did he play like shit? Yes. Did he contribute to the Bears losing? Yes. Is it all his fault? Hell no! I put more of the blame on the defense. Maybe if they could tackle somebody BEFORE they gained 10-12 yards the Bears may have won. And the missed tackling started up front at the tackles, most notably with a guy who should have been sitting at home watching the game with his AK-47 in hand and an ankle bracelet strapped to him, Tank Johnson. Did Brian Urlacher prove everyone that says he is overrated wrong yesterday? No. He had 7 tackles, and how many of those were tackles from behind when he got juked on the initial attempt? Probably 4 or 5. Rex threw a pass that was the nail in the coffin that was intercepted and ran back. Bad pass, but it would not have been intercepted had Muhsin Muhammad not stood there with a dazed look on his face and actually made an attempt to at least break up the catch. And it would not have been ran back had Muhammad actually tried to knock Kelvin Hayden out of bounds instead of slapping at him like a goddamn Sally. Truth be told, I was pretty shocked to see Muhammad actually catch the ball on that second touchdown. Remember last year when he was blaming Orton for his lack of production? I do, because I kept wanting to tell him to shut the hell up, since Orton did actually get the ball to him, he just kept dropping the passes. He is overrated and as I have previously stated Berrian is the #1 receiver on that team. Indy knew it. They had Berrian double covered most of the game.

Now, as far as this silliness that Rex needs to be replaced, anyone who says this should be taken out back and punished. This was his first full year. He went to the Super Bowl. He will get better. How soon we forget the days of the John Shoop 1 yard pass offense. How soon we forget the Kyle Orton "we're winning, but we're not going downfield" days. You can't have it both ways. Either you want the deep ball thrown, and with that you are going to get burned sometimes, or you want the safe play. As a lifelong Bears fan I have had enough of the little 3 yard gain passes and welcome the idea that we now have a quarterback that has the balls to go downfield. Sure, sometimes he goes deep when the coverage dictates that he shouldn't, but in time he will learn when and when not to do that. Brett Favre learned it early on. Peyton Manning learned it early on. Why isn't Rex allowed that same learning curve? Because his team was in the Super Bowl? That's bullshit. He made it farther than those guys did in their first years and he's getting punished for it. Now, I'm not saying that Grossman will have the career of those guys, but he should at least be given some time to prove that he is not the answer. To pull the plug on him now would be the worst thing that could happen to the Bears. What are you going to do, draft someone and start all over again? That would be foolish. I've heard plenty of boobs on the Boo-Yah Network actually suggest bringing in Jeff Garcia. These guys should have their jobs taken away. Look, Garcia had a nice half season, and he has had a nice career. But the guy will be 39 next year. So lets see, you're telling me you bring him in for one year, then start all over again? That's completely assenine. What's even more ridiculous is the notion that Lovie Smith should have brought in Brian Griese. People, Griese is a nice backup. As a starter he BLOWS. He had one good year. Do you really think that he would be on his fourth team if he was anything more that a backup? No, he'd be starting somewhere if he was a half way decent starting quarterback. If Griese was starting people would be begging for Grossman to start.
It's that old addage, the grass is always greener on the other side. In summation, the people who are putting all the blame on Grossman are probably the same folks who put all the blame in 2003 on Steve Bartman for the Cubs choking. He's just a scapegoat. Yesterday was the true definition of a team loss. And to those who are wanting a quarterback change for next year, just be patient. Grossman may turn out to not be the answer, but for the next few years he has the best chance at taking this team to the promised land.

Calm Before the Storm

2007-02-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

So here we are on the eve of Super Bowl XLI. I'm waiting to hop a plane to Vegas and reading what all the 'big boys' have to say about the game. I've gotta say, based on what I'm reading, there's no way the Bears can win this game. And that's the very reason why they will.

All the major sports media outlets are clinging strongly to Peyton Manning's nuts.

The Headline on CBSSportsline.com reads, 'He's the Man' with a picture of Peyton in a classic pose, audibling out of a play.

Yahoo Sports is running a story about Dan Marino's deep running love for Peyton Manning, whom is has been going to dinner with in Miami and giving pointers.

ESPN.com features a shot of Manning and Urlacher and breaks down how either can swing the game.

But there's one source propping the other QB up on a pedestal. FoxSports.com is giving Rex Grossman some love sighting the Florida Gators dominance in all sports over the last year.

I for one am sick of hearing about Peyton Manning. I truly hope in my heart of hearts that the Bears 'D' kicks the living hell out of him, making Sunday the longest day of his life.

Everyone loves the underdog, but I'm not so sure the Bears should be the 'dog in this game.

More tomorrow.

The Jail Cell Shuffle

2007-02-01T16:03:00.000-05:00

I am glad to see that this edition of the Super Bowl Bound Bears did not release their own version of "The Super Bowl Shuffle". I am also delighted to find out that the Cincinnati Bengals have released a "fight" song for this year's version of the team.

So without further adiou I now present to you The Jail Cell Shuffle:

We are the Bengals Chain Gang Crew
Muggin', Maimin', and Rapin' you
We're so bad on and off the field
Hoping our lawyers can plea a deal
You know we're just havin' some fun
And we don't give a damn about anyone
We didn't think we'd get in trouble
But now we're doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Frostee Rucker):

They call me Frostee and I like to dance
The bitch wouldn't listen so I had to whoop her ass
I told her to put out for just one night
The bitch said no so we had to fight
I didn't do it because I'm crazy
I had to do it because the ho is lazy
I didn't think I'd get in trouble
But now I'm doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Reggie McNeal):

This is speedy Reggie and I'm world class
The pigs tried to cuff me so I said "Kiss my ass"
I drink in the clubs and drive at night
Then resist arrest with all my might
Now the altercation did occur
But I'll be damned if i'll tell a pig "Yes sir"
There's eight others here that roll like me
But hopefully the judge will set us free

(Jonathan Joseph):

It was really good shit so I was told
So I had to get some for my bowl
I've been cheechin' for quite a while
With blood shot eyes and big smile
Give it a chance it's really good
Especially since it's from my neighborhood
I didn't think I'd get in trouble
But now I'm doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

We are the Bengals Chain Gang Crew
Muggin', Maimin', and Rapin' you
We're so bad on and off the field
Hoping our lawyers can plea a deal
You know we're just havin' some fun
And we don't give a damn about anyone
We didn't think we'd get in trouble
But now we're doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Chris Henry):

I'm the five time offender known as Chris Henry
When I hit the courtroom I have no memory
I smoke some blunts, I like to drink
I'll do other shit as long as I don't have to think
The kids are in my room and I give them booze
Then hop in my car and take a cruise
That's why I'm in some serious trouble
Now I'm doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Odell Thurman):

I'm mama's boy Odell number fifty one
And I was just with my boys havin' some fun
It's all my fault just blame me
For being dumb enough to hang with Chris Henry
Did twenty shots and got sick
Then told the cops to "Suck my dick"
Just then I knew I was in trouble
And I'd be doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Eric Steinbach):

I was on my boat getting a tan
No one else will drive but I sure can
This is Stein and its no wonder
That boat tailing us must have been undercover
So bring on the judges, bring on the jury
And I'll bring my lawyers and all their fury
If you're buyin' drinks I'll have a double
Cause I'll get out of doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

We are the Bengals Chain Gang Crew
Muggin', Maimin', and Rapin' you
We're so bad on and off the field
Hoping our lawyers can plea a deal
You know we're just havin' some fun
And we don't give a damn about anyone
We didn't think we'd get in trouble
But now we're doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Matthias Askew):

The police were comin' and I was bent
Couldn't get arrested so away I went
I dropped my weed, I ditched my gun
But boy that cop sure could run
He tackled me and I still resisted
I got charged for hittin' him close fisted
I was just tryin' to get out of trouble
But now I'm doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

(Chad Johnson):

It's Ocho here and I'm Mr. Clean
They call me a detriment, don't know what they mean
They tell me to shut up and bite my tongue
But hey at least I haven't hurt no one
Marvin's guys are bad to the bone
And they blame me for settin' the tone
All I ever do is dance and yell
It's not like I'm gonna wind up in a cell

(AJ Nicholson):

My name is AJ and I'm the rookie
I went to FSU so I'm no smart cookie
Broke in the house and took some things
Like silverware, money, bracelets and rings
I led the posse as you can see
The others, they were all accomplices to me
Lookin' for free shit, I found trouble
Now I'm doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

We are the Bengals Chain Gang Crew
Muggin', Maimin', and Rapin' you
We're so bad on and off the field
Hoping our lawyers can plea a deal
You know we're just havin' some fun
And we don't give a damn about anyone
We didn't think we'd get in trouble
But now we're doin' the Jail Cell Shuffle

NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ALBUM SALES GO TO "THE SAVE A BENGAL FOUNDATION" WHICH IS A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION WHICH OFFERS POST-GAME ACTIVITIES TO KEEP BENGAL PLAYERS OUT OF THE STREETS AND HELPS EASE THE PAIN OF ALL THEIR LAWYER FEES AND COURT COSTS.

In honor of the Bengals (and MAMQB writer and Penn State fan Rhino) I'd like to give this week's Former Mockery Player of the Week Award to my personal favorite mockery player, the mockery of all mockeries, KiJana Carter. The Bengals took him #1 overall in 1995 out of Penn State. If not for injuries, he may have had a stellar career. Because of injuries though he had only 1144 rushing yards in 10 NFL seasons, making him possibly the biggest bust of all time. He can hold his head high though since he is now The MAMQB Former Mockery Player of The Week.

Huh, I'll be damned. KiJana Carter
did actually play in the NFL.

I'm Not Sayin', I'm Just Sayin'....

2007-01-31T14:06:00.000-05:00

Since I'm the one who always labels my posts 'Manning Sucks' I thought it was fitting to share this picture I was emailed this morning.

The Year of the "No Respect" winner

2007-01-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not here to be a homer and tell you the Bears are definitely going to win. Truth is I wouldn't put one penny on this game (anyone who has seen my playoff picks will attest to the fact that I should not be making any bets whatsoever). I can't tell you who will win. What I can tell you is that the "experts" are dead wrong. Lets look at the past year in all of sports just to show that the underdog is most likely the favorite nowadays.

2006 NCAA Tournament

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a college hoops nut. I root for SIU and anyone who is in their conference, The Valley. More to come after the Super Bowl on college bball though. Anyway, I, among many other people, was outraged when Billy "The Biggest Piece of Dogshit on TV" Packer and Jim Nantz chastised the selection committee chairman on Selection Sunday for taking four Valley teams. What happened? Two of them made the Sweet Sixteen and The Valley had the second most teams in that round. Nantz admitted he was wrong, Packer still claimed he was right, hence the "Dogshit" dubbing. And then there was George Mason. Final Four. And who honestly picked Florida to go to the Final Four, let alone win it all?
Underdogs 1-Experts0

2006 NBA Finals

The West was dominant, the East was weak. Now, it's hard to say that a team with Shaq and Dwayne Wade is and underdog, but they were. It was just like NFC-AFC: The best team in the East was not supposed to contend with the middle teams in the West. Outcome: Shaq tells Kobe to go fuck himself and hoists a trophy.
Underdogs 2-Experts 0

2006 World Series

Same scenario: AL ruled, NL sucked donkey scrotum. The White Sox would have had the second best record in the NL, but finished third in their division. The Cardinals limped into the playoffs with 83 wins, which was good enough to win their pathetic division. St. Louis made it to the World Series and swept the heavily favored Tigers, even though the experts said that no NL team could contend with the middle AL teams.
Underdogs 3-Experts 0

2006 & 2007 NCAA BCS Championship Game

In 2006 USC was still the toast of the College ranks. That is until Vince Young came along and had the game of his life. In 2007 Ohio State was Beauty and the Geek (their play being Beauty and their coach being the Geek) and went undefeated and there was much debate whether Florida should have even been playing them for the title. Florida rolled the Buckeyes. A lot of people say that nine times out of ten OSU would kick the shit out of the Gators, and they say the same about the match up from 2006. My point with this one is that in football it's one game: if the underdog plays well for one night they can win, even if they are the inferior team.
Underdogs 4-Experts 0

The point of all this: conference play does not matter. Once you get to the dance you stand just as good of a chance as the other guy. In my mind this make the so called "experts" overrated. So don't count out the Bears just because they play in the NFC.

"I tell you I'm
like the Bears!
No Respect!

...and they call him Mr. Dead...

2007-01-29T15:49:00.000-05:00

One of America's favorite horses finally chewed the golden bit...put his nose in the proverbial final oatbag...whatever you wanna call it.

Yes...I said ONE of them...don't forget Seabiscuit, Scout, Black Beauty, Trigger, Silver, Quick-Draw McGraw, Mr. Ed, Cigar...didn't even think there was a list, did you?

From the Associated Press: "Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized Monday after complications from his gruesome breakdown at last year's Preakness, ending an eight-month ordeal that prompted an outpouring of support across the country."

Here's a picture of Barbaro's leg post-op:

I'm not too knowledgable about horse racing; however, I am knowledgebale in symbolic interpretation. That said, anytime a "colt" goes down before this year's Super Bowl, I'll be the first to take notice and let you guys know. I love my peeps that much.

Ha. And you though this was about horses.

GO BEARS!

They Found Her...

2007-01-29T15:14:00.000-05:00

I caught a glimpse of this broad out of the corner of my eye, quickly hit rewind on my Tivo, and snapped a shot of my Plasma to post here.

Then Maxim Magazine put out a call to find her for a photo shoot.

Good news gentleman, they found her. Her name is Heather Rothstein, and while her looks were initially questioned even though they were progressively getting better, the Maxim Shoot proves she is without a doubt hittable.

A very special thanks to the people at MAXIM for these shots...

All Photos Courtesy of Maxim Magazine.

Barack's Super Bowl Musings

2007-01-29T10:33:00.000-05:00

It’s the start of Super Bowl week and I couldn’t think of a better way to break down next Sundays’ game than through the eyes of Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

The young Senator has recently announced his intentions of seeking the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential Election, and I for one hope he gets it. As a young Republican, I must say I have been completely let down by Bush V2.0 and have lost faith in the party all together. I feel like the college girl who wakes up in a boy’s apartment after a drunken tryst and can’t find her underwear. I’ve been taken advantage of, and I don’t like it. Unless Giuliani runs, Barack is getting my vote...

But I digress. Barack is the hottest thing in Illinois politics since Governor Ryan’s drivers license scheme opened the over-the-road trucking profession to hundreds of would-be morons who couldn’t handle a Yugo let alone a Big Rig.

And to make things even more interesting, at least for our purposes, he also happens to be a Bears fan. So on this day, a mere 150 hours from the biggest moment in Lovie Smith’s career, we enter the head of Barack Obama.

Barack on Lovie Smith:

"Dick Juron. What a fuckin' moron. This shit is easy."

Barack’s proud of Lovie. He’s taken a 5-11 team and turned them into Super Bowl contenders in 3 seasons. Barack can see the parallels between Dick Juron and George Bush, and plans on using Lovie’s model for immediate improvement if and when elected to the White House. Added Bonus: Lovie has a White Wife.

Barack on Brian Urlacher:

"Honey, take that man for all you can sister!"

Barack sees the Bears MLB for what he is; fast, vicious, a master of the trade. He also knows of ‘Lach’s taste for young black women, but Barack doesn’t mind sparing a few of his Nubian Princesses’ for the cause.

"We did it in an alley behind Gino's East. It was HOT."

But in the same breath, he mounted Paris Hilton, and that's just gross. Still, Barack respects Urlacher for being a true swordsman.

Barack on Rex Grossman:

"Block that guy right there or I'll have to come up with a clever exuse."

Obama loves Grossman’s confidence. Throw 3 interceptions in a game? Tell the media you’ll do better. Have a ZERO passer rating? Say you made some bad choices. Barack can see how this can be used in his political career.

Barack on Thomas Jones:

"Shit. Tank Johnson ain't no Gangsta. I'm Gangsta."

Obama enjoys watching Jones hit the hole and sprint down field. While he may not be the second coming of Walter Payton, Barack believes Jones is a nice fit for the offense, but he’s concerned with that tattoo on his neck. Could he be a gang banger?

Barack on Peyton Manning:

"I like Black People. See."

It’s obvious to Barack that anyone with such a southern drawl must be a republican, a member of the confederacy, and or a descendent of slave owners. While Peyton may understand the game of football, Barack hopes God has mercy on his soul.

Barack on Tony Dungy:

"That little fucker better listen to me next weekened or I'ma smack the taste outta Archie's mouth."

Obama respects Dungy because Lovie does. He’s happy to see another black man in the position Dungy has found himself in, but deep down has a burning hatred for him. Barack is perturbed by the number of times Peyton has disregarded his coach on 4th down and short, waved off the punt team, and went for the first down. Barack knows that Tony has to stand up to his young white QB and if need be, ‘smack a ho.’

Barack on Super Bowl XLI:
Simple. Bears 32 – Colts 24

Miami SUCKS

2007-01-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

The story broke early this week. Its effects on would-be fans from around the country will be monumental. Bears’ and Colts’ fans planning on heading down to south Florida without tickets, but with dreams of a parking lot post game bash are in for a rude awakening.

"There is no tailgating allowed in the Dolphin Stadium parking lots," Sue Jaquez, a member of the Super Bowl XLI Host Committee, confirmed on Tuesday. "And there is no tailgating anywhere within a one-mile radius of the stadium."

What? Don’t they know who they’re dealing with? Bears fans are notorious for their professional pre-game tailgating rituals. When I head this news I didn’t believe it and had to hear it from the horses mouth myself.

I called, emailed, faxed, and even wrote the people at the Super Bowl XLI Host Committee.

Finally, this afternoon I got a human voice on the other end.

“Hello. Thank you for calling the Super Bowl XLI Host Committee. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’m one of the lucky few who managed to get tickets to the big game and I’ve got a few questions. I’m bringing a group of employees and associates to the game and I’m concerned with a few things.” (I was lying my ass off.)

“Well sir, you can visit our website at…”

“I’ve been on your website.” I quickly changed my tone from inquisitive to aggressive. “Your website hasn’t answered my biggest question. Chicago media sources are reporting that tailgating is prohibited within one mile of Dolphin Stadium. This can’t be true?”

“Yes, it is sir. We’ve…”

“Who made this decision? I need a name and a phone number. Do you understand what a mistake you’re making?”

“Sir, I’m sorry. Can I be of any further assistance this evening?”

“No. Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful time at your lame ass game.”

I slammed the phone down in disbelief. This couldn’t be true. I was still in shock. Whose idea of a sick joke was this? After all, this is the SUPER BOWL, not the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. It’s football.

Maybe I’m wrong here, but wouldn’t a city want to capitalize on each and every financial benefit this game could bring? I don’t know, maybe they could generate a few dollars by actually placing beer vendors at every street corner within walking distance of the stadium? I’m quite sure they wouldn’t LOSE money on the deal.

Could it be the fact that the average Joe who attends regular season games and arrives five hours before kickoff to tailgate can’t afford tickets to the Super Bowl? That the game has become such a corporate spectacle that the only people who can afford to attend are the rich, famous, or connected…not the typical football fan?

Regardless of the reasoning, two things are very evident. The NFL has propped its championship game on such a pedestal that they have essentially thumbed their noses at the average fan. And that the Super Bowl XLI Host Committee, the City of Miami, and the old crow that had the final say in this situation is out of touch.

So think twice before heading to Miami without tickets…you’ll most likely end up watching the game in a bar, and you could do that at home.

Caged Bengal

2007-01-25T17:45:00.000-05:00

We all know about the off the field problems the Cincinnati Bengals have had in the last twelve months. This has been one of the doormat franchises in all of sports for the past 15 years or so, and just when their play on the field is getting to the respectable level you would expect from a team that has top 5 draft picks perennially, their off field antics bring the team right back down to laughing stock level. I'd like to write my personal thoughts on my personal favorite outlaw Bengal. No, its not OL Eric Steinbach, even though we did graduate from the same high school and, lets face it, anyone who gets arrested for driving a boat drunk has serious problems. I am talking about the one, the only, Chris Henry.

Now, my love for Chris Henry began on draft day 2005. I was forming a keeper fantasy football league and I was looking for a sleeper I could take in the very late rounds. I saw video on this kid coming out of the University of West Virginia who would be featured in an offense with the up and coming Carson Palmer throwing to him, and I figured what the hell, this kid may be something. He sure has become something: he has turned into everything that you do not want your kids to become. He is a waste of talent because no matter how bright his playing future may look the kid keeps going back to his stupid ways. He has been arrested 4 times in the last year, and was there for at least one other Bengal getting arrested (I know, he didn't get in trouble that time, but the point is he went looking for trouble and got lucky he didn't find it) Let's face it: He makes Tank Johnson look like Pope Benedict.

He was suspended two games this year (two weeks where I could have used him also), and now he is facing more suspension time. Not only that, but now he gets jail time. In his fourth court case, he was sentenced by a Kentucky judge for allowing minors to drink in his hotel room. "You embarrassed yourself," Kenton County District Judge Greg Grothaus told Henry. "You embarrassed a lot of people, teammates, friends and family, the city, the fans and myself." I'm sure Henry doesn't give a damn what some judge says. After all, he's Chris Henry, and he'll do whatever he damn well pleases. Prosecutor Ken Easterling said "Looking at his history and the amount of times he's gone before other courts and not gotten jail time, the reason we sought jail time was to send a very clear message to him that this is going to be the response every time you get in trouble in our community. So I hope, as the judge indicated, that he gets the message." Do any of you really think that a measly two day jail sentence will make him stop his childish ways? Did any of you chuckle like I did when Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis promised tougher penalties after the season? I know I did. These guys don't care what Marvin Lewis has to say. It's obvious by their actions. It's not like they say "OK, you caught me. I won't do it again." No, they keep giving the middle finger to the law, the league, their teammates and coaches, and most of all their fans. Like I said, Marvin Lewis promised stiffer penalties after the season. In my world, thats spineless. Thats like having someone repeatedly spit in your face, then after they leave and shut the door behind them you whisper "you better not do that again "! And he is the one, besides the players themselves, who gets all the blame. He knew what he was getting when he drafted these players. Most of them had a tattered past. "It's good that this case involving Chris has been resolved," Lewis said "Now Chris must continue to strive to mature and grow both as a player and as a person." Now?!?!? Now?!?!? Now, after his fourth crime in 12 months he must con...con..continue?!?!? Marvin, please don't tell me you are that naive. Chris has not even begun to mature. Rush Limbaugh has caught a lot of flak for saying the NFL is like the Bloods and the Cripts without weapons. Although I do not believe that this is an accurate statement because it puts the whole league in the same category of the thug life, I do feel if an outsider looked at the Bengals that they would whole hartedly agree with this statement. (NOTE: I know the reason he is getting so much flak for that statement is because people find it racist. I don't think he was looking at race (although who knows with him), I think he was looking at the character of many of the league's players and their legal issues. And no, I am not a Limbaugh fan, nor do I hate him. I'm just an impartial observer and I am not trying to defend what he has said.)

I just don't get it: these athletes are paid millions of dollars to play a game. Thats what it is, a game that we loved to play and would still love to play if our bodies let us. A game that our parents paid other people for us to have a right to play. I understand a lot of these players come from backgrounds where they are surrounded by trouble, where trouble is a way of life. But I hate when people feel sorry for them and use that as an excuse. All they have to do is distance themselves from that trouble, I mean, they have the money to do it. I'm not one for abandoning your friends, anyone who knows me knows that I will do anything for them, but sometimes you have to look out for yourself. And if your friends are trying to bring you down with their actions, then are they really your friends, or are they just acquaintances who are along for the glory ride of your success? I think this is a question that every pro athlete should ask themselves before they begin their careers.

Get used to wearing orange,
there's a lot of orange clothes
in your future!

Winter Baseball Report #2

2007-01-24T07:27:00.000-05:00

Winter Baseball Report #2

I’m baaaaaaaack.

This weeks MLB news has been slow, but hardly non-existent. Here’s a taste of what has transpired in the last seven days around the league.

White Sox left fielder Scott Podsednik will undergo groin surgery which will leave him sidelined for the next six to eight weeks. Sources close to Podsednik are referring to the injury as a ‘sports hernia’ but I think we all know what happened to Pods…

I hope, for Scotty’s sake, the injury came trying to pull a maneuver outlined on page 36 of the Karma Sutra with Mrs. Pods, Lisa Dergan.

The White Sox announced they have come to terms with Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (that name just slides right off the tongue, doesn’t it?) OF Darin Erstad.

Speaking of the Angels, Dallas McPherson, the 26-year-old kid they pegged as Troy Glaus’ replacement (and were so confident they let Glaus go in Free Agency) will miss the entire season after surgery to remove a herniated disc in his lower back.

Carlos Delgado’s gonna be a daddy. But it seems the timing of the whole thing may cause him to miss a handful of games at the start of the season.

The Phillies have signed Antonio Alfonseca to a one year deal for the league minimum of $380,000.

The Twins agreed to a one year deal with pitcher Ramon Ortiz, formerly with the Washington Nationals.

The Padres inked 43-year-old lefty David Wells to a one year, $3M deal.

The Brewers came to a one year, $3.25M agreement with INF Tony Graffanino. Graffanino, a utility infielder, hit .28- last season with 2 HR and 28 RBI’s. $3.25 mildo? That’s like stealing!

And finally, the Cubs agreed to a 5 year, $10M contract with Notre Dame Football legend Jeff Samardzija. There’s a lot I could say there, but I think Rhino summed it up perfectly.

A Couple of Quick Comments.....

2007-01-23T22:54:00.000-05:00

First, I think I would be a hypocrite if I didn't give my feelings on Tank Johnson going to the Super Bowl. Just as in the case of Ron Mexico not getting thrown in jail for his whole "Spliffs on a Plane" fiasco, I personally think it is wrong that Tank has been given permission to go. If he were Terry The Gun Wielding Pitbull Beating Bus Driver he would not be allowed to leave. Basically, the Bear fan in me is happy he is going, but the upstanding citizen in me is not.

Second, did any of you Chicagoians find it funny yesterday that the Chicago Tribune did an article on the front page of one of their sections in big bold letters about how impossible Super Bowl tickets will be to get, but if you want some then here is a short list of ticket brokers who have plenty? Remember, the Tribune owns the Cubs, and the Cubs own ticket broker agencies. Could there have been some sort of hidden agenda there, sort of a little subliminal advertising?

Thats all for now, just had to get that off my chest.

Welcome Sati, MAMQB Guest Writer

2007-01-23T21:25:00.000-05:00

I've been kicking around ways to keep content Fresh, Current, and to offer another viewpoint that would contrast those held by the current staff. In an effort to please, I put out an open request for guest writers, and the following article was the first I received.

MAMQB Fans, enjoy this piece by Sati, a sharp Chicago kid with diverse sports knowledge, and the first Guest Writer here at The Monday AM QB.

Reggie Bush’s Eating Crow Dance: When Celebration in Sports Goes Overboard

Mea Culpa. Forgive me Pappa Bear Halas for I have sinned. I went against my heart, the city that raised me, and the team that I have always supported. There I said it.

Who woulda thunk it: the Bears roll over the divinely-appointed Saints to make the Super Bowl for the first time in 21 years. Most experts, and this humble writer, predicted that the Saints' high-powered offense would overwhelm the erratic Bears.

In fairness none of us predicted that star rookie running back Reggie Bush would have a figurative "Leon Lett Moment" that would awaken the hibernating beast that is the Chicago Bears Defense. On the first possession of the second half, Saints QB Drew Brees hit Bush for what looked like a routine short yardage pass. The former USC Trojan accelerated into a triangle of collapsing Bears defenders then, with a quick jiggle of the shoulders, left all three standing and burst diagonally for an 88 yard statement TD. The "statement" should've been the run itself: the virtuousity, the vision, the freakish agility. More important, the score drew the Saints within 2 points of the Bears. Yet, by fingerpointing at a bevy of pursuing defenders and showing them the ball Bush chose to make it a statement for his own poor judgement. After that bitchslap, the Bears sideline looked like a swarm of agitated bees. The defense, led by a fired up line, subsequently put Brees and company on lockdown for the rest of the game. The offense also responded with 23 unanswered points. Final score: Bears 39, Saints 14.

Sometime in the midst of that beatdown Bush reportedly told his coach "I shouldn't have done that."

Son, no you shouldn't have.

In larger context, let me state my opinion on "celebrating" in sports as I increasingly hear a litany of complaints from commentators and fans against player celebrations. My position is largely historical. Ever since Muhammad Ali's crazed weigh-in against Sonny Liston in 1963, demonstrative self-aggrandizement has had a storied place in professional sports. Think about such notable hype artists as Joe Namath, Julius Erving, Richard Petty, Sugar Ray Leonard, Ricky Henderson, Deion Sanders, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Dikembe Mutumbo, and Tiger Woods. Nowadays no one says "I'm too pretty" or "I'm gonna win in eight to show I'm great." The vernacular of "Ali Rap" has morphed into the instantly accessible non-verbal statement: the chest-pounding, the end-zone dance, the sack dance, the post home-run walk, and yes the pointing to the sky (as if God has chosen me).

And let us not forget that the Bears are no stranger to celebratory taunting. Anyone remember a little thing called "The Super Bowl Shuffle"? Don't get me wrong, it was an endearing piece of "bad ass" propaganda and I loved it; but given the fact that it was filmed in November, it basically told the NFL—which makes its coin on competitiveness and indeterminacy—to go fuck itself. This, was of course apparent after they did, in fact, coast to a Super Bowl championship.

However, just because celebration has a fixed position in modern sports doesn't mean it should always be condoned. Certain types of taunting like trampling on an opponent's logo, as Terrell Owens did in Dallas a few years back, or more recently the Patriots to the Chargers, should be prohibited. And excessively violent gestures such as throat slashing and gravedigging should yield stiff penalties, as they do currently.

Furthermore, I would like to see an emphasis on "context" regarding sports celebrations. Do we really need to see a sack dance by a player whose team is down by thirty points? Or do we need to see chestpounding after a "garbage time" basket in the NBA? Celebrations should provide meaning. In other words they should be frames for action; communicative moments that appropriately define the tone of a battle. Watching a game with hundreds of these types of gestures is like watching a soap opera with Jaws music.

Sports are meaning-making structures in modern societies. As a large part of the marketing arm in sports, celebrations are symbols of what makes us tick. ESPN highlights routinely reveal that Americans are individualistic, demonstrative, and results-oriented. Reggie Bush's ill-fated celebration conformed to the first two norms, but not the last.

That's why history will see it as a "Super Bowl Scuttle."

Written by Sati

The Chump on the Bump

2007-01-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

A story inspired by Dr. Seuss (and Jim Hendry)

Jeff played a sport,
In fact, he played two…
In one sport he caught,
In the other, he threw.

He liked each sport a lot,
But at the end of the day
He had to make up his mind
About which sport to play.

“One sport can fill egos
--that’s football, no doubt,
But baseball can fill up
My savings account.

“In one I’d feel worried…
Due to franchise bad luck,
But I don’t think I’d feel
Like I was hit by a truck.

“In one I’d feel good
Because the loyalty’s sacred…
In the other, a lack of
Performance means hatred.

“In one, I’d be running
From men, big and burly…
In the other, I’m certain
My season ends early!

“In one, if we win,
I could play in a bowl…
But in one, if we lose,
I'd still make payroll!”

With each talking point
Jeff’s mind kept on turning
He worried less about football
And more about earning.

With his future decided,
Jeff went to the media…
“Baseball it is!
Sorry football, be seein’ ya!

“I had a great time
As an ND receiver,
But as a potential Cubs starter
I’ll wind up a reliever,

“My checks will be huge
While I’m on the DL,
So be damned, NFL,
-- Goodell, go to hell!

“I’ll get Tommy John surgery
And recoup through ‘09
…Cubs fans will miss me so much
They’ll build me a shrine!

“With increased adulation
Having no stats to back it--
I can return with no skills
And blame Cubby ‘black magic’!

“Thank God for the Goat!
Give thanks to Steve Barton!
For every bad outing–
An excuse by the carton!

“I’ll have money and women,
My life will be sweet!
And all I need to lose
Is my will to compete!”

Accountability’s lost
While the GM's dropping pennies
The fans remain pissed…
But Jeff swears by Jim Hendry!

So the Chump on the Bump
Will give up football this spring
And also his chance
For a Super Bowl ring.

Yep, Jeff will play baseball
…but we all know the truth—
If we got offers from Hendry
We’d all wear Cubby Blue.

Perhaps things would change
If we had Kenny Williams
A GM who makes moves
And still saves his club millions

But this is the story
of Jeff, and the reasons
For the Cubs’ fan main chorus--
“There’s always next season!”

Thank God for the Bears.

-Rhino (the disgruntled Cubs fan)

NFL Playoffs 2007 –Super Bowl XLI – A Guide to Getting Paid

2007-01-23T08:47:00.000-05:00

Going into the Conference Championship round I was down $90. I made some bold predictions and in the end, came out ahead.

Here’s a breakdown of last weekend’s action:

$200 Chicago -1/Over 43 (Parlay) +$540
$200 Over 43 (Bears/Saints) +$200
$100 New England +3 -$110
$100 Under 47.5 (Pats/Colts) -$110
$100 NE+3/Under 47.5 (Parlay) -$110

So as it stands, going into Super Bowl Weekend, I’m up $420. Not bad, almost 50% increase.

I will start my Super Bowl pick by letting you all in on a little secret.

I’m going to Vegas for the game. It’s the third time I’ve done this, and historically, I’m 50%. The only time I actually collected on a Super Bowl bet was back in 2003 for Super Bowl XXXVII when Tampa Bay beat the Raiders up and down the field. I hit a parlay, and the initial feeling was like seeing a girl naked for the first time…I was hooked. The next year I took The Patriots, who won the game but didn’t cover.

This year I’m looking to make a statement and move to 2 for 3.

SUPER BOWL XLI – CHICAGO BEARS vs. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
EARLY LINE: COLTS -7 O/U 48.5

This game hits close to home. Growing up in a suburb of Chicago, I’ve been two things my entire life: a Bears fan and a White Sox fan. In 2005 I got to witness, first hand, the joy of a baseball team winning a World Series and the difference it can make in someone’s life. It was a joyous moment for the City of Chicago and the fans. But there’s one thing about Chicago that outsiders may not comprehend…Nothing can compare to a Bears Super Bowl win. The World Series was a big deal, but you have to remember, this is a City with TWO baseball teams. You’ve got two very different groups of people rooting for two very different teams. In essence, it’s a City divided.

But EVERYONE loves the Bears. EVERYONE. A Super Bowl XLI win could quite possibly SHUT CHICAGO DOWN. I for one want to see it happen…people marching down the Dan Ryan in controlled chaos, Mayor Daley making February 4th a state wide holiday, Jay Mariotti getting lynched and hug from the antennae of the Sears Tower, Chris Farley’s body exhumed for one more episode of Bill Swerski’s Super Fans, Jim Belushi dropping dead of a heart attack…it’d be a great day in the history of the City.

But enough of that gibberish…time to break this one down.

THE NUMBERS:
The Bears and the Colts have played seven games since Super Bowl XX, and the Bears have won six of them.

Indy’s regular season losses came at the hands of Dallas, Tennessee, Jacksonville, and Houston. The Bears were beat by Miami, New England, and Green Bay.

On the road to the Super Bowl the Colts have beaten Kansas City, Baltimore, and New England. The Bears have defeated Seattle and New Orleans.

All the trends point to this game playing OVER, however the Bears Defense has stepped up their game and with the exception of the New England game the Colt’s D has been stellar in the playoffs.

In the first three playoff appearances, Peyton Manning has thrown 2 TD’s and 6 INT’s. Rex Grossman has thrown 2 TD’s and 1 INT.

Speaking of turnovers, the Bears are +3 in the Giveaway/Takeaway column.

By the numbers, the Colts Defense has been the best in the playoffs, allowing 229 yards/game while holding opponents to a 22.2% Third Down Success Rate, and a meager 16 points per game. But they have been the most penalized with 16 flags for 115 yards.

The Bears Defense is ranked seventh, allowing 340.5 yards/game with a 35.7% Third Down Success Rate, and only 19 points per game. The unit has been flagged 11 times for 63 yards.

AND by the numbers, these two teams match up well offensively. The Colts are ranked #2 in the playoffs and the Bears #3.

The Colts, 383 yards/game, 47% Third Down, 10 penalties for 91 yards, 25 points/game played (3) came to life last weekend after falling behind 21-3 to Tom Brady and the Patriots.

The Bears, 355 yards/game, 30.6% Third Down, 6 penalties for 45 yards, 33 points/game played (2) have been feeding opponents a steady diet of Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson to set up Rex Grossman for the deep ball.

Those are the numbers of this whole thing.

But when one steps back to analyze this game there are a few match ups to consider.

Peyton Manning vs. Brian Urlacher.
Both are great football minds. Both are young players whose names have been mentioned with the all time greats of the sport. Peyton is the field general of the offense, Brian is the master of the defense. These two are going to toy with each other all game, but in the end I think Urlacher will get the best of Peyton.

John Tait vs. Dwight Freeney.
John Tait has been great at left tackle all season for the Bears. But he faces Freeney whose numbers (29 tackles, 5.5 sacks, 4 forced fumbles) speak for themselves.

Devin Hester vs. Colts Special Teams.
New England’s return man Ellis Hobbs had a great day against the Colt’s weak kick coverage, and Hobbs is by no means the ‘Windy City Flier.’ Hester might be able to break one in the biggest game of his career.

Cedric Benson vs. Colts Defense.
Benson has been used effectively in the first two playoff games as a human battering ram. The man runs north and south, usually right at would be tacklers, and more often than not, over them. He’s been able to soften the Defense and give Thomas Jones the ability to run wild. These two make a perfect one-two punch.

Marvin Harrison/Reggie Wayne vs. Charles Tillman.
‘Peanut’ Tillman has been picked on in every game this post season. Quarterbacks know to stay away from Nathan Vasher, so Tillman ends up being exploited. Tillman was the man who was three steps behind Steve Smith in the 2005 NFC playoff game, when Smith racked up over 200 yards receiving.

Colts Offensive Line vs. Bears Defensive Line.
With the loss of Tommie Harris the Bears D-Line had been lacking pressure on the Quarterback, until last week against the #1 offense in the NFL. But with legal troubles potentially keeping Tank Johnson in the state of Illinois for the Super Bowl, the Bears may need to find another source of pressure. It’s a known that Blitzing Defenses get CARVED UP by Peyton Manning, so the D Line must get pressure.

That’s a lot to digest.

Bottom line:
I’m taking the Bears and the points. I personally don’t think that any team can beat the Bears if they play the way they did last week. Yes, Peyton lead is team to a huge come from behind victory against his arch rival Tom Brady. But I think the Bears are too much to handle.

And I’ve said it for three straight weeks and been wrong every time…Peyton Manning will lose.

This time it’s nice to know that loss will come at the hands of My Chicago Bears.

BEARS +7, UNDER 48.5

This Week's Tasty Nuggets

2007-01-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

First, let me congratulate the Bears and the Colts on making the Super Bowl. I've gotten bashed by my fellow Bears fans for picking them to lose to the Seahawks, and I deserve it. I'm an asshole and I should have never doubted the Bears. And to all you Colts fans, although I do not have a lot of love for any member of the Manning clan, I am glad to see you guys there also because I think Indy is a class organization and you guys are good fans. That being said, let the shit talking begin!

About the game: the media is touting the fact that this is the first time a black head coach has made the Super Bowl. Well, both coaches are black. I don't think that should be the thing talked about with these two men though. It should be the fact that these may be the two calmest coaches to make a Super Bowl. Neither men are hard nosed, foul mouthed types and both are classy guys that any franchise would love to have as the face of their organizations.

Well, it didn't take long. Another Bengal was arrested today. Wow. What a shock. And no, it wasn't Chris Henry again. This time it was CB Jonathan Joseph. He was arrested for marijuana possession early this morning while driving near his home in Kentucky. According to ronmexico.com he must now go by the pseudonym of Hank Montserrat.

I swear it wasn't me
this time!

Speaking of Ron Mexico, it was announced today that a Miami Dade crime lab has found no evidence of marijuana on the water bottle taken from at an airport last Wednesday. Sounds to me like Horatio Caine pulled some strings on this one. OK, first of all, as a previous article stated, if this happened to any of us peasants we would have been apprehended, given a thorough full body cavity search, and had our asses thrown in the slammer. But I guess that's one of the perks that comes with being one Ron Mexico. Now they're saying that there was no marijuana residue, but they did not say what the substance was that looked like marijuana, smelled like marijuana, and was in a hidden compartment. Now, the conspiracy theorist in me says this: the Dolphins are in disarray, probably would love to have a new QB, and the Falcons are rumored to have had enough of Vick's antics and are somewhat shopping him around. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.......

Another rumor is that Oakland is prepared to package Randy Moss and a first round pick for Mexico. Huh? The main reason Falcons owner Arthur Blank wants to trade Mexico is because of his image problems. And he's gonna get Randy Moss in return??? That's like saying "Hey, I'll trade you this piece of shit for your piece of crap!" You're getting the exact same problems, possibly more problems, if you make that trade.

Mr. Wolf, I want the Dolphins
to get a Super Bowl ring! Make
sure Ron Mexico is not in jail
for next season!

Speaking of the Falcons, former head coach Jim Mora Jr. got his wish. Well, sort of. We probably all remember how he went on a Seattle radio station and professed his love of the idea of him coaching the Washington Huskies, even going as far as to say that he would abandon the Falcons in the middle of a playoff run to take the job. He has just been hired as the new assistant head coach of the Seahawks, bringing him even closer to his dream job. It is rumored that he is the heir apparent to an aging Mike Holmgren.

The Steelers hired Bill Cowher's replacement today. Mike Tomlin, who spent last season as Minnesota's defensive coordinator, was given a four year contract. Given the Steelers' history (2 head coaches the last 40 years) that contract will be renewed several times over.

Jerry Jones had a decision: T.O. or Front Butt. I think Skeletor must have been taking advice from The BooYah Network resident cokehead and T.O. anal prober Michael Irvin when he made his decision. Now, I know Front Butt said he "retired" (how many times have we heard that one?), but a big part of me says that Skeletor was given an ultimatum by his coach: him or me, especially since he was prepared to attend the Senior Bowl and do all the offseason thing a returning coach does. And lets face it, Front Butt is in the same category as Larry Brown and Nick Saban: the grass is always greener on the other side (or in Ron Mexico's water bottle). He will coach somewhere in 2008, I guarantee it.

I choose T.O.!

Front Butt: Coaching in a city
near you!

What happened to the great Bill Belichick yesterday? Up 21-3, and he decides to throw the ball like he's down 21-3?!?! Couldn't have happened to a better man. Everyone is expected to bow down and kiss his feet, but when it was time to congratulate Peyton Manning on a good game he walked past him and brushed him off. What a fucking baby. LT was right. He absolutely has no class.

But I'm a genius! I demand
that I be given a spot in the
Super Bowl!

Time for everyone's favorite part, The Mockery Former Player of the Week. I decided to go with a former Colt in honor of their Super Bowl appearance, so I picked my favorite member of the 1994 team: backup QB Don "The Magic Man" Majkowski. He became a member of the Colts in 1993 after an average career in Green Bay, which ended with an injury, which led to the entry of then backup Brett Favre, who has yet to sit a game since then.

You may be no Brett Favre,
Magic Man, but you are
the MAMQB Mockery
Former Player of the
Week!

An Open Letter to Tom Brady (WARNING: Satire Ahead)

2007-01-22T09:15:00.000-05:00

Fuck you Tom. Fuck you right in the mouth. Fuck you like a skinny white boy in a state penitentiary.

Yup. I’m done with you fella. Once upon a time I stood by your side, defended you to the critics who hated, praised your abilities and knowledge of the game. Once upon a time you even inspired me to be an over achiever, just like you.

But not any more. Now I see you for what you are…a worthless, no good, piece of cow shit.

What has brought on this tirade? Why have you lost a loyal fan?

Because you could not complete one easy task. One thing I’ve been predicting for three straight weeks, and I truly though you were my man.

I guess I was wrong.

Why did you let me down Tom? Is Peyton really that good? You couldn’t get the job done. Now I’ve got to deal with this prick in the Super Bowl against my beloved Bears.

Was is Giselle?

I know that’s one primo piece of pie, but come on man…do you really want the kid from Titanic’s sloppy seconds?

Was it Belichick?

Have you had enough of him? It’s the sleeves on the sweatshirt thing, isn’t it? I can almost understand.

Was it Reche Caldwell?

He couldn’t catch syphilis in a whore house.

What ever it was, I’m not listening to your bullshit excuse. You’re supposed to be the Ace #1 Top Dog King Dick in the game, and you end up making me look like a fucking moron.

I thought I could count on you Tom.

Learned an important lesson last night...if you need something done, you must do it your self. That said, I'm going to have to rely on THE BEARS to stop Manning.

Have fun in the off season…douche bag.

PS: I HOPE THIS FUCKING HURT LIKE SHIT

Reggie Bush League

2007-01-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

First off, let me state that I I am writing this column with a slight buzz. I watched the Bears advance to the Super Bowl this afternoon with fellow MAMQB writer Big Willie, and to celebrate we went to a local bar near me and tipped back a few more cold ones in the company of future NFL Hall of Famer Mike Alstott.

My thoughts on todays game are pretty simple. The Bears dominated, Bernard Berrian in one single amazing catch showed the whole country what I have been saying about him all year (he is a staple on my keeper fantasy team), that he is the most underrated WR in the league.

The thing that sticks out for me is this though. I am the only Bears fan in my family. I grew up in a household of Packer fans, so life in the 90's sucked for me. I'm sure I don't have to explain to anyone reading this the hatred that Packer fans have for the Bears and vice versa. When I called my Dad to ask him in a smartass way how the Packers did today he told me something I couldn't believe: he said he was glad the Bears won. I was floored. He had one reason: Reggie Bush. He made a spectacular play, outran the entire Bears defense, and at about the 5 yard line started pointing, then did a somersault into the end zone. The fact that no flag was thrown for taunting speaks volumes about how the NFL believes Bush is the future face of the NFL. I had to laugh though since, and i hope Reggie actually reads this, HE WAS STILL LOSING!!! You, Reggie Bush, are an asshole, and I hope you enjoy watching the Super Bowl on your parents couch in the house that the USC Boosters Club bought for them!

As I am writing this the Colts have just won their game. The look on Belichick's face is priceless. Good. Fuck him. But I have to wonder this: will ESPN even discuss the Super Bowl in the two upcoming weeks? After all, Chicago is in the midwest. Indy is in the midwest. And as far as ESPN is concerned the midwest doesn't matter. If it doesn't concern the eastcoast then it doesn't concern ESPN.

P.S. Some of you may notice I have a new name on here. I am the artist formerly known as Rudedogg, but I now have new name in honor of Michael Vick's recent legal troubles. Go to www.ronmexico.com and click on the name generator to get your Ron Mexico name.

Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat Dat Beat Dem Saints?

2007-01-21T17:58:00.000-05:00

FUCK YES.

That's all I have to say. The Bears D has OWNED the Saints. One play (Reggie Bush 80+ yard TD) has been the only sign of offense the Saints have mustered.

Hurricane DitKA vs. Hurricane Katrina....who WINS?

39-14 right now....

BEARS ARE HEADIN' TO SUPERBOWL XLI!!!!!!!!

Rematch of Super Bowl XX??

I've got wood...

Da Doubletalkin' Coach

2007-01-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

For years I, like many Chicago Bears fans, have held a place close to my heart for a certain coach who coached a certain team to a Super Bowl XX victory. Mike Ditka is a god in Chicago and will be immortalized forever in sports lore in the Windy City because of one season, although some say he is actually an underachiever since he did not lead that squad to more than one championship. He is also a national celebrity. How many head coaches have had a co-starring role in a movie or had many skits done about him on Saturday Night Live? He is less of a coach and more of a character. He has distinct ties to the Bears, although by recent comments made by him you wouldn't be able to tell that. Yesterday in a string of interviews Ditka would not predict a winner for Sunday's Bears-Saints game, saying "If you're asking me to pick a team, I don't do that.", claiming that he needs to be "an objective member of the media." That would be fine, except he picked a winner in the AFC title game.

Now, Ditka was fired by both the Bears and the Saints, which led him to air dirty laundry with both teams owners. I don't think this is an example of being objective at all. I'm not saying his assessment of both owners is wrong. Everyone in Chicago knows McCaskey is a dope, and Tom Benson is known as one of the worst owners in football. Some media members see Ditka's rants as a way to get attention, but I think it is much deeper than that. Although he acts like a hardass, he is actually quite sensitive. I think this is all a preemptive strike. He is afraid that if Chicago does actually win the Super Bowl that his status in the city will decline. This is false though, since, like I said, he is more known for the aura which is the personality of Ditka, not so much for coaching the Bears. He is also covering his bases in case someone asks "Lovie Smith/Sean Payton won, why didn't you win more than you did?". A smart way to handle this and not come off as a baby would have been to say something like "the game could go either way" and then just move on. But thats not Ditka. He always needs to stir the pot to keep that red ass image going.

Ditka tells everyone to shove their
predictions up their ass!

Where da Weed At?

2007-01-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

It’s been reported today that Mike Vick (Ron Mexico) was breifly detained this morning at Miami International Airport after reluctantly handing over his water bottle to security screeners. Upon investigation TSA found a secret compartment within his water bottle which held an unnamed substance and smelled of marijuana.

Vick was not arrested and was aloud to board the plane.

I for one have a huge problem with this. What if I got busted with a little weed boarding a flight? An average Joe like myself would be immediately cuffed and dragged off to the bowels of the airport for questioning in a dark room under a bright light which would most likely end up with my name being placed on a suspected terrorist list, banned from flight for life, and subject to annual IRS audits.

But I’d still have one up on Vick…I’ve never been accused of knowingly giving a woman herpes…

Winter Baseball Report

2007-01-17T08:26:00.000-05:00

We find it easy this time of year to focus on the NFL intensively, but there is always news from the baseball world in the months leading up to spring training. I personally have decided to make a conscientious effort to stay on top of MLB happenings during the off season and spring training.

With that, I bring you the first MLB Report.

It’s being reported that the Texas Rangers have offered one time slugger, corked bat connoisseur, and suspected juicer ‘Slammin’ Sammy Sosa, a minor league deal. Texas, where Sosa started his career in 1989, is rumored to be close to a minor league deal which will get Sammy’s foot in the door for Spring Training.

"This is about giving a guy a second chance," general manager Jon Daniels said.

Great. Sammy’s GOOD for baseball. Just like Crack is good for kids…

What the hell are the Rangers thinking? Signing this guy to any sort of contract would be an absolute disaster. They should put a call into some of the Cubs who played with Mr. Sosa in his prime and see what they think of him. Not to mention the reaction Sosa would get standing in right field in virtually any MLB park outside of Texas. There’s a reason he hasn’t played in the league since 2005.

More on this story next week.

The Chicago White Sox have come to terms with their Super Star 3rd baseman Joe Crede.

Yes, I said SUPER STAR. Anyone who watched the MLB Playoffs in 2005 would know this kid from small town Missouri is the real deal.

By inking Crede to a one year, $4.94M contract, the Sox have avoided arbitration, but this season may be his last in a Sox uniform. Crede has been plagued by back problems for years, resulting in the Sox brass to refrain from signing Crede to a multi-year deal. They’ve also got 24 year old Josh Fields, a huge minor league prospect at 3rd base.

Crede’s future may be a question mark heading into the ’08 season, but for now he’s a member of the White Sox and that’s all that matters.

On the other side of town in Chicago, the Cubs have asked one time prospect and second coming of the Lord Jesus Christ himself Mark Prior, to take a pay cut. Prior, 1-6 with a 7.21 ERA last season, made $3.65M in another season shortened by injury. It was reported that he was seeking $3.875M payday this season. The Cubs have offered him $3.4M.

Prior, who has been with the Cubs since 2002, has only broken the 200 inning plateau once, in 2003, when he went 18-6 as a starter. Since then, he’s 18-17 and has pitched a total of 327.6 innings, with only 43 in the 2006 campaign.

In other Cubbie news, Carlos Zambrano has come to the table with a request for a considerable increase in pay. Last season Zambrano, 16-7 with a 3.41 ERA, was one of the few bright spots in a long and dismal year which ended with the departure of manager Dusty Baker. Zambrano’s paycheck? A respectable $6.65M. The Cubs have reportedly offered him $11.025M a year, a nice payday for the man who has emerged as the ace of the staff. But Zambrano has bigger plans. He has requested $15.5M in arbitration, and based on the Cubs’ spending as of late, he just may get it.

But the man who stands to make out the best this off-season may be Florida star Miguel Cabrera who is seeking $7.4M a year from the Marlins. Florida has offered Cabrera $6.7M. If Cabrera gets his way, he’s looking at a $6,928,000 a year raise. Not bad.

Here’s an interesting tidbit about the arbitration process: Overall, players in arbitration averaged a 109 percent increase last year

Other News:

It appears JD Drew’s 5 year $70M deal with Boston isn’t a done deal. The agreement was announced on Dec. 5, but as of today, Drew still does not have a contract with the team. Boston is concerned with Drew’s surgically repaired right shoulder.

Major League Baseball has chosen Yankee Stadium as the sight of the 2008 All Star Game. That will be a nice tribute to the stadium which has stood since 1923, which is closing in 2009.

The St. Louis Cardinals passed a series of screenings by the Department of Homeland Security and were at the White House the other day to meet President Bush after winning the 2006 World Series. David Eckstein presented Bush with a Cardinals jersey. Not present: Albert Pujols. He must have figured he looks too middle-eastern.

And finally, the San Francisco Giants announced they are having the largest scoreboard of any MLB park installed for the 2007 season. Is this a sign that Bonds’ head has grown even larger? Must be the flaxseed oil cream.

That’s it for now. Look for this column every Wednesday!

Follow Up: Saints Fan Offered Maxim Shoot.

2007-01-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

My girlie, Ms. Fuck da Eagles, is being sought by Maxim for a photo shoot.

Now the original screenshot from Fox may have been misleading...new details in the case of the Saints Skank have surfaced.

Maybe she's just a Bayou Hottie?

You be the judge...

If you know this gal, CLICK HERE TO HELP HER GET A MAXIM PHOTO SHOOT!

Seldom Earning Championships? No more bad acronyms for the SEC.

2007-01-16T13:21:00.000-05:00

The Big Ten has some
big shoes to fill
to keep up with
the dominating SEC.

It’s been a long time coming, but I needed to dwell upon this rumination for a while before I made it official. I watched the highlights of the national championship game again and again, and it saddens this Big Ten fan to admit the following:

The SEC is currently the best football conference in NCAA D-I.

My favorite college football stats site, cfbdatawarehouse.com, has an interesting all-time conference rankings page, subdivided into conference leaders by total points made up of winning percentage points, schedule points, national championship points, and Big 4 Bowl points. Here’s how the two conferences fare:

Winning Percentage Points: SEC (589.27); B10 (574.68)
Schedule Points: B10 (707.93); SEC (676.16)
National Championship Points: B10 (1350.00); SEC (1150.00)
Big 4 Bowl Points: SEC (1570.00); B10 (1095.00)

Total Points: SEC (3,985.44); B10 (3,727.61)

Here’s what those numbers tell me:

The SEC is slowly creeping up in schedule points year after year, because the Big 10 is primarily a fight between Michigan and Ohio State (and occasionally Penn State) every year. The SEC has mad team talent year after year, and it’s beginning to show in these point totals.

The Big Ten is naturally going to lead the SEC in National Championship points. Why, you ask? For the same reason that the Ivy League’s win percentage skyrockets above both the SEC and the Big 10: They’ve been around the longest. Though it helps my Big 10 argument, it’s undoubtedly a skewed stat.

Big 4 Bowl Points are an interesting category. The SEC leads that by a wide margin…so the argument could be made that the Big 10 teams just muscle eachother around every year because each team is overloaded with talent. The truth came out after the major bowl games this year, though. Year after year, the Big Ten seems to get dominated by other conferences in post-season, high-level bowl games. Teams like Michigan and Ohio State can toot their own horns all they want before December, but the perennial conference powerhouses can’t seem to consistently get the job done against the better teams from other conferences.

A long time ago, I quipped to a colleague that the SEC stood for Seldom Earning Championships. The conference is quickly stepping up…Tennessee’s on the rise again (though they didn’t beat my Lions this year…YES!), Florida seems to be consistently in the mix, and LSU and Auburn are always contenders. Now that Nick Saban’s about to bring his leftover Louisiana mojo to Tuscaloosa, things are continuing to shape up quite nicely for the SEC.

No matter what the polls say at the end of the year, I have to gauge how good a team is by how they’d match up against the country’s other great teams. After seeing Michigan and Ohio State get licked by the USC and Florida, respectively, I’ll need to see some bowl wins from these corn-eating Midwesterners before the Big Ten can be considered the top conference in the land.

It’s hard to say at this point that the Buckeyes would have had a chance against JaMarcus Russel’s LSU offense or Auburn’s “We work harder than you” mentality. It’s even harder to say that Michigan could have countered either one of those teams or the national champion Gators.

It’s time for the Big Ten to step up their game if they want to stay in the NCAA D-I race.

NFL Playoffs 2007 –Conference Championships– A Guide to Getting Paid

2007-01-16T07:49:00.000-05:00

"The subject of gambling is all encompassing. It combines man's natural play instinct with his desire to know about his fate and his future." - Franz Rosenthal

Well, 1 for 4 on Wild Card Weekend left me $240 in the hole. I was sure I had week two in the bag.

I went 2-2. I’ll take it. Thanks to a parlay, I’m back in the saddle.

$100 Seattle +8.5, Over 37 (Parlay) RESULT +$270
$100 Baltimore -4 RESULT -$110
$100 Saints -6, Over 48 (Parlay) RESULT -$110
$100 Patriots +4.5 RESULT +$100

So after the second playoff weekend, I find myself with $910 of my starting $1000 bank roll. Not too bad. I had some action, just missed a few bets.

Now we’re down to the Championship round. This is where we separate the men from the boys. Where we start making some real money.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ CHICAGO BEARS (BEARS -1, o/u 43)

There’s a lot to be said about the Bears. As a team, they show flashes of potential that suggest they can win it all. Yes, there are holes in the secondary. Yes, the defensive line has a few injuries. Yes, they couldn’t HOLD the lead last weekend. Yes, Rex Grossman’s decision making has been poor at times.

But they keep winning. The Bears manage to make a big play when it’s needed. This team’s got heart. They’re pesky, refusing to go away when they’re at their lowest point.

Add to that home field advantage. Yes, we’ve all heard about the weather factor, that New Orleans is going to shiver to death on the sidelines and we’ll win the game by default. I’ve stated my case on that subject, you all know where I stand. It’s going make a difference, but not enough to swing the game.

This game is going to come down to a few simple factors. The Bears defense HAS to stop Deuce AND get pressure on Drew Brees. If New Orleans can get their run game going and start to set up the passing game, look out.

On offense, the Bears need to hold onto the ball for as long as possible to keep Brees & Co. off the field. That means a steady dose of Jones and Benson. Yes, BOTH OF THEM.

It’s also known that the Saint’s secondary is shaky. By getting the run established early, Rex (The Sex Machine) Grossman will be able to take a few shots deep down field.

*STATS of INTEREST* – The Saints had the second lowest number of takeaways in the NFL during the regular season, 19.

Five of the last SEVEN #1 NFC Seeds made it to the Super Bowl.

I think the Bears will get the lead early and hold on for the win.

Chicago -1, OVER 43

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (COLTS -3, o/u 47.5)

Haven’t we seen this whole song and dance before?

One thing to say: Four Super Bowl appearances in the last Six Years.

While Brady and the Pat’s were given the opportunity to stay in the game last week vs. the Chargers, I’m not so sure they’ll have that chance this weekend.

The Colt’s defense is playing much, much better than they have in past years. They’ve only allowed 14 points TOTAL in the first to playoff games. But in the same breath, the offense of KC and Baltimore looked like shit in both games. This go ‘round, they’ll face Brady.

Brady, who looked off his game last week in San Diego, will be ready this week. For one, it’s going to be played in Indy, which means DOME. I’m sure the Pat’s will enjoy the controlled environment as opposed to the blowing snow and frigid temps at the ‘Fox. And based on past years that the Patriots have walked over Indy to get to the Super Bowl, I’m going to go out on a limb and say Brady loves making Peyton his bitch.

Peyton Manning has been off his game in a big way. He’s thrown 1 TD and 5 INT’s in the first two games. If this pattern continues, he’ll be able to watch the Super Bowl at home with Eli and Archie.

I’ve said it for two straight weeks. This week it’s going to happen. Brady will send Peyton packing.

New England +3, UNDER 47.5

Playoff musings

2007-01-15T18:18:00.000-05:00

We all know that my original playoff predictions are fucked, but thats ok. I'd like to give my personal view of the playoff thusfar.

First, lets look at the AFC. Now, everyone knows that I hate the Manning family, but I was actually glad to see the Colts advance this weekend. Why you may ask? Well, first off I have so much respect for Marvin Harrison and Tony Dungy that my feelings for Peyton can be set aside. Second, I HATE the Ravens. They are boring to watch, always have been always will be. I absolutely HATE Brian Billick. I hate him more than all the Mannings combined. He might be the second cockiest SOB in football. I remember (or barely remember, depending how you want to look at it) one "hazy" night in college watching the Game Show Network in a vegetative state and an old episode of Match Game was on. We were all commenting on how cocky the strapping young lad who was that night's contestant was. Turns out it was a young Brian Billick, and he was a prick then. But I digress. Any time I see this man lose is a good day for me.

Next there are the Patriots. They played horrible, yet beat my Super Bowl pick, the San Diego Chargers. This disappointed me because I love LT and Schottenheimer. I think they are two of the classiest individuals in sports. This also made me sad because the only man in football I hate more than Billick is Bill Belichick. I can't believe the NFL lets him dress like someone who just climbed out of a cardboard box on Crenshaw Ave. Plus he is cocky too. Now, I'll admit he's a hell of a coach, possibly the best x's and o's guy the NFL has ever seen. But I have noticed that he is one hell of a crybaby too. Mangini didn't obey King Bill and Belichick tries to make him to be a prick. I'm sure a lot of you heard LT's postgame comments and although it does sound like sour grapes, there is an element of truth to what he said. The Patriots acted like assholes after the game and they are truly a reflection of their coach. I really hope Indy kicks the shit out of them. And if Indy does win, I'm sure King Bill's true colors will come out.

Now the NFC. Congrats to the Saints. They have been exciting to watch all season long and will definately give the Bears a challenge, but I don't think they will win.

I need to totally disagree with the article below. Although I think that people who believe in "Bear Weather" are complete dopes, I do believe that the Bears have a weather advantage in this game. The Saints high powered offense is reminiscent of the 1999 Rams, and by that I mean they are much better indoors than they are in the elements. If the Bears were playing a team that played outdoors, even if it was a warm weather team, I would agree that weather would have no affect on this game. But I do strongly think that an outdoor team has a large advantage over a dome team in the middle of winter. If good Rex shows up (don't blame him for that interception that was Muhammed's fault. I'm sure Muhsin will find some way to blame Orton for his bad play.) the Bears should have no problem advancing to the Super Bowl.

On a personal note, I've been asked many times in my life who my favorite sports team is, and it has always been a toss-up between the Bears and the White Sox. Well, now I know who my true love is. In 2005 time seemed to stand still in October. The greatest feeling in my life was seeing that final out after 27 years of being a Sox fan. The whole playoffs, it was a dream. And although I pray the Bears actually pull the whole thing out of their ass and bring the Lombardi trophy back to Chicago after 21 years, this whole run will be a distant second to the 2005 MLB playoffs.

Sunday Night Play Off Report.

2007-01-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

What I learned today...

Chicago 27 - Seattle 24

First off, I hit my Parlay. That helps.

Rex Grossman (282 yards, 75.9 Passer Rating, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 Fumble) played good enough to win. He still threw a number of passes behind his receivers. And he still shits his pants when he's under pressure. The coaching staff needs to explain to him that sometimes it's ok to take a sack. But all in all, he played a decent game.

The Bears Defense steps up to make big plays. While their secondary is shaky (Charles Tilman, I'm talking to you) they answered the bell on numerous occasions and kept their team in the game.

Matt Hasselbeck had a tough game. His offensive line didn't help him all that much. He found himself scraping his ass off the turf early and often.

The Bears have awesome fans....check out this guy...he lives in my town...

That's a FAN!

Next week the Saints come to town. I've already read morons talking about "Bear Weather" and that the concept Saints won't be able to play in the cold. I hate that thought fucking thought process. Regardless of the goddamn weather, this NFC Championship game is going to be a good one.

New England 24 - San Diego 21

Again, I hit my bet. Two for two on Sunday. Added bonus: Patriots won outright.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are a tough pair to beat when the play offs roll around.

Brady (57.6 Passer Rating, 2 TD's, 3 INT) was shaky. He looked out of rhythm on more than one occasion. But he persevered and they came out on top.

The Pat's Defense is for real.

The league MVP can tackle a man by the face mask and the ref's will pick up the flag.

Phillip Rivers (55.5 Passer Rating, 0 TD's, 1 INT, 1 Fumble) showed he was a rookie.

A 54 yard field goal is a long ass kick.

Marty Schottenheimer can't win a play off game to save his ass. If he doesn't lose his job I'll be surprised. Nine Pro Bowlers,League MVP, and home field advantage and they can't advance?

Now the Patriots get to take out Peyton and the Colts. Yes, I said take out. Third time's a charm, right?

Saturday Night Play Off Report

2007-01-13T20:50:00.000-05:00

What we learned today...

COLTS 15 - Ravens 6

The Ravens offense sucks. Actually, it can't suck. It's fucking non-existent. Steve McNair needs to retire.

They can't win a field goal race either. With that defense, they shouldn't lose a game. But ya can't win if ya can't score.

The Colt's Defense may not be as bad as we all thought. Granted, they had little to worry about today.

Peyton Manning is as bad in the post season as we all thought. His team won another game, IN SPITE of him.

Peyton's fore head is growing at an increasingly alarming rate.

So next week we get to see if the Colts can do it again, this time against a team that can score. I picked that prick Manning to lose twice in two weeks and he's proved me wrong both times.

I hate being wrong, but I'm a pig headed gut. I'm going to make the early prediction that the Colts will lose in the AFC Championship game against the Chargers or Patriots.

But for now, we have this moment to remember...or make us sick...

After Saturday's win over the Ravens, Archie Manning
embraced his oldest son and proclaimed, "At least you're
not the fucking failure your little brother is."

I hate you Peyton.

New Orleans - Philly

This game's in progress. I will make a few observations and be back with more tomorrow..

Andy Reid needs to pass a few buffet lines. The guys' pushing maximum density. His Defense came out hitting.

The Saints have too many weapons. They've got to be the clear favorite to come out of the NFC and head to the Super Bowl.

And it's good to see that New Orleans is back to normal after Katrina. Even the young, white, blonde hooker population has returned.

Wonder if Fox will see a fine from the FCC for broadcasting this image? After all, she's got the word FUCK on her shirt. They should be happy she wasn't actually doing said activity in the stands....

More tomorrow..

This Week's Tasty Nuggets

2007-01-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

First off, let me apologize to any of you that took my picks in the AFC last weekend to heart. Boy do I suck. 0-2 in the AFC, 2-0 in the NFC and I called that Tony Romo would choke, just didn't think it would be in a fashion that would conjure up the name of Scott Norwood.

Well, lets do our weekly T.O. report. This week Mr I Love Me Some Me fired his publicist. Anyone who saw Ol Leatherface defend him after his botched suicide attempt should not be shocked. She is more of a social cancer than him. I guess T.O. had 20 million reasons to fire her.

"I can't believe T.O. fired me!"

No Bengals have been arrested this week. This is very noteworthy since this will probably never happen again.

Monday night was the BCS National Championship Game, in which Florida kicked the everloving shit out of Ohio State. This was the third time that Ohio State played the #2 team and the first time they lost. Most experts that I have heard said Florida was better that night but that Ohio State would probably win most of the time against Florida. Guess thats what happens when a team has 50+ days to prepare for a team, which is a big reason why I believe College Football is a joke: NCAA boob Miles Brand (you know, the guy who fired the winningest NCAA coach in history, one Robert Montgomery Knight) says that a playoff system is not possible for academic reasons since the season would be too long. How about in those 50 days you have the playoffs, then the season is not extended at all. Problem solved. And don't try and hide behind academics: We all know that perennial powerhouses such as Florida State, Miami, Ohio State, and Michigan don't make their players actually attend class. See, I should run the NCAA.

Boise State went undefeated after beating Oklahoma in amazing fashion. Feel good story right? Wrong. They ended up ranked 5th in one poll and 6th in the other. In my mind this is bullshit. Now most will argue that if they played say, Florida or Ohio State they would get their ass stomped. I won't argue that would win, since nobody knows because of the lack of a playoff system (God, I sound like a broken record). But let me remind everyone that the people that rank them 5th and 6th despite going undefeated because of their "inferior" conference are also the ones that said they were going to get rolled by Oklahoma.

Nick Saban. Nick Saban may as well change his name to Larry Brown. I don't blame him for taking the money. Plus, he was about as adapt in the NFL as Mike Tyson would be with a Hooked on Phonics kit. I'm not going to bash him for leaving like ESPN marionette Dan LeBa(s)tard did last week while filling in on PTI (his presence made me promptly turn off one of my favorite shows and I still haven't returned. I hate him almost as much as Jay Marriotti and ESPN radio host Eric Kuselius, but thats neither here nor there.) The thing I do have a problem with is that he kept saying there was no way he would take that job, and even after he took the job he said he had no idea he was offered the job until 2 days before he signed. Nick you got caught in a lie so just fess up and say "Hey, I sucked in the NFL, I'm a power whore and can have complete control at Alabama, and I'm getting a shitload of money. Plus I'll be bigger than Christ in this state."

Finally some positive news. Two of the most respectable athletes ever got the ultimate phone call this week. Cal Ripken, who had a blue collar attitude for 17+ years and showed up for work every day, never bitched and most of all never cheated. And how about Tony Gwynn. Batted at least .300 for 19 straight years. Thats sick. Mr. Gwynn, let me speak for all short fat people when I say that you sir are an inspiration to us all. Best of all, Mark McGwire didn't even sniff a Hall of Fame spot, making him the only eligible player with 500 homers not in. Guess the Hall voters didn't want to talk about the past when it came to assessing old Mark's numbers. But, if they vote in Sammy Sosa (not bloody likely that Corky will get in) or Barry Bonds then they are hypocrites.

Time for this week's Mockery Player of The Week. I want to give props to someone who is really getting overshadowed by his older brother this week, Mr. Bill Ripken. Bill, well, Bill sucked. He made history in 1987 when he, along with brother, played in a game, which was managed by their father Cal Sr. This was not his biggest feat though. Bill made national news in 1989, but it was not for his stellar glove at second base. It was for a card printed by Fleer depicting him holding a bat on his shoulder and the words "Fuck Face" on the bottom of the bat.

Is that Cal's little bro or MAMQB contributor Southside Eddie?

Wild Card Weekend – A Top Five List.

2007-01-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

Heading into the Divisional Playoffs, we’ll get to see the four teams who got to sit at home and brush up on their Madden ’07 skills for a week: Chicago, Baltimore, New Orleans, and San Diego. But with a full weekend of NFL mania under our belts I thought it would be nice to revisit the Top Five Highlights of Wild Card Weekend.

5. The Colts Defense Comes Alive.

Dooooo youuuuu feeeeeel liiiiiiiiiike I dooooooooooooo?

Coming into this game I was sure KC running back Larry Johnson was going to run all over the inept Indy D. The numbers suggested the potential for a career day for Johnson. The Colts gave up an average of 173 yards rushing per game during the regular season and everyone knows the Colts choke in the playoffs.

Instead, the unit showed up and held Johnson to 32 yards. And to make things even better KC quarterback looked like Payton’s little brother Eli, throwing for 107 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INT.

All this including bailing out the elder Manning boy, who threw as many completions (2) to KC DB Ty Law as he did to his favorite WR Marvin Harrison.

4. Brady & Belichick Lay The Smack Down on Man-gina

Bill Belichick won three Super bowls (you’d think with 3 Super Bowl rings in his trophy case Belichick could afford a hooded sweatshirt with SLEEVES?) with Eric Mangini at his side as Defensive Cordinator. Eventually Mangini decided to give the whole head coaching thing a shot and took a job with the Jets. Little did he know the first play off opponent he’d face would be his old boss.

Sunday afternoon the Patriots held a football clinic, showing the rookie coach Man-gina and his New York Jets how to play the game like winners. Tom Brady’s play was solid, he was in his typical play off form making few bad decisions and managing the clock on long scoring drives.

Belichick even got in a ‘fuck you’ by sending in ex-Jet Vinny Testaverde to take a knee on the final play.

3. Koy Detmer Proves he Should be at the Pro Bowl.

With seconds left on the clock and the game on the line, Philadelphia kicker David Akers trotted onto the field. The 38 yard field goal he was about to kick would break the tied score and give the Eagles the win. All he needed was a snap, a good hold, and he’d do the rest. Sounds easy, right?

Last week the Eagles asigned long time backup QB Koy Detmer the specific duty of holder. But as Koy took a knee and readied for the snap, there had to be visions of another very similar play just a day earlier. The camera angle was just good enought to see him repeating what looked like 'Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up.'

Fortunately for the Eagles, the snap was good, the hold was dead nuts, and Akers won the game with no time on the clock.

2. Eli Eliminated in the First Round.

I don’t know why but I love it when this kid loses. Maybe because he’s been nothing but a whiny bitch from the minute he got into the NFL? Yeah, I think that’s it. For that very reason I love to see him fail. It’s only fitting when someone of his character becomes labeled a bust. Yup, I said it…a BUST. Seeing him fall flat on his face almost gives me wood.

And is it me or does he look like he's about to break into tears when he fucks up on the field?

I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Archie for that shot, but I’ll be happy to tell him to suck my yamsack too.

1. The Demise of Romo.

A week after Kerry Underwood went into hiding and reportedly filed legal papers to change her name the Yoko Romo, poor Tony’s star has fallen. After replacing Drew Bledsoe as the Tuna’s field commander in Cowboy land, Romo became an instant success. He was embraced by America. Kid from a small school gets his shot in the NFL and shows he deserves to be there. In his first taste of regular action, he lead his team to the play offs for. We were graced with the second coming of Joe Montana.

But late in the forth quarter of their wild card match up with the Seattle Seahawks, disaster struck. With 1:19 on the clock, trailing 20-21, Cowboys kicker MartinGramatica took the field for a routine 19 yard field goal. He paced off his approach and nodded to Romo for the snap. In the blink of an eye things went from good to oh fuck. Romo bobbled the snap, tried to put it down, picked it back up, and scurried off toward the end zone. In a sad ending, he was brought down two yards shy of pay dirt and ONE yard short of the first down marker.

Dallas went on to lose the game. Romo went on to cry in the locker room.

Help a Brotha Out...

2007-01-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, check it out. Since you love us like a fat kid loves Ho-Ho’s, we gotta come to you for a favor. We’re asking for our reader’s assistance, that you guys who look at this page and say, “Fuck me. These guys are out of their goddamn fucking minds. But I like it,” to tell the world we exist.

Just a few points to hit on before you stop reading this and say “fuck these pricks.”

1. We do this for you. Yup. We write this shit to make you people laugh. There’s no point in doing this if no one’s reading. And according to the stats we see, we’re getting some recognition. And it appears it’s not only our other fucked up friends reading, we’re getting hits around the world.

2. We’re not getting rich from this. Shit, we’re actually risking our careers by using company internet service, not to mention company time, posting these verbal assaults to try and get a rise out of you guys.

3. The world’s full of Blogs. Any jagoff with a keyboard, a mouse, and a dial tone can send his thoughts, feelings, and overlooked concerns out into cyberspace for any other shitprick to read. But WE take this shit seriously and try to keep our content fresh, funny, current, and most of all, witty.

So what are we looking for you to do? Why am I coming to you, Joe Reader, on my hands and knees like a crack whore? Well, it’s time for the 2007 BLOGGIES. Nominations are being accepted until TOMORROW, January 10, 2007.

YES, WE’RE RUNNING A BIT FUCKING LATE. But I want to make one huge 26 hour push and see if we can’t make this happen.

Here’s the skinny:

From now until 10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5) on Wednesday, January 10, 2005, anyone can nominate their favorite weblogs.

That Saturday, January 13, three panels of 50 voters will receive an e-mail. It will list the weblogs that have receieved the most nominations in ten categories. They will have until 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, January 18 to privately submit their five favorites (six for Weblog of the Year) for each category. The five (or six for Weblog of the Year) receiving the most votes will become finalists. I (Nikolai Nolan) will only vote for the panel in the case of a tie for fifth place. This panel is on an opt-in policy; there is a checkbox on this form for it.

On Monday, January 22, the finalists will be announced and voting will be open again to choose the winners.

So what it boils down to is this: If you’ve got 2 minutes to fuck off and fill this out, do it for us, will ya? We're going to make the big push.

VOTE HERE!

As always, thanks for reading. Tell a friend about The Monday AM QB!

NFL Playoffs 2007 – ROUND TWO – A Guide to Getting Paid

2007-01-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

"It can be argued that man's instinct to gamble is the only reason he is still not a monkey up in the trees." -Mario Puzo

I think I should change the title. After my Wild Card Weekend Picks, I’m not even sure I’m qualified to be writing another piece about NFL Wagering. After last week’s shellacking, here’s where I stand with the “hypothetical” $1,000 bank roll I started with.

$200 Kansas City +7 RESULT -$220
$100 Seattle -2 RESULT -$110
$200 Patriots -9 RESULT +$200
$100 Eagles -6.5 RESULT -$110

As you can see, I went 1 for 4 in the first weekend. As it stands, if these were “real” wagers, I’d be down $240 right now, or roughly 25% of my starting stake. That, boys and girls, is why we don’t gamble. Got it…gambling is BAD.

But just in case you're interseted, here's what I’m looking at this weekend:

Seattle @ Chicago (LINE: Chicago -8.5 o/u 37)

We all know about the Bears. Dennis Green “crowned their asses.” Rex Grossman (3,193yds, 23 TD, 20 INTS) started off like an MVP Candidate and then quickly fizzled out. His play has been a rollercoaster this season (He had a handful of games with a QB rating over 100. AND a couple in which he managed to post a goose egg. Yup, a QB rating of ZERO.) and the well pub’d Bear’s Defense has quickly become porous, giving up 300 yards of total offense to power houses in Tampa, Detroit, and Green Bay. The #1 seed in the WEAKER conference has many unanswered questions.

In the same breath, Seattle didn’t beat on Romo’s Cowboys the way I had expected. Hell, if Romo wouldn't have mistaken the football for a LaBamba's Burrito, Seattle most likely would be sitting at home this week. But these 'Hawks are an improved team compared to the Seahawks that the Bears beat 37-6 in the fourth game of the season.

Had this spread not been -8.5, it would have been a tough one to pick. The actual WINNER still is a tough call, depending on which Grossman shows up to the game. But we could give two shits about who wins the game. We’re interested in WHO COVERS. After all, Money makes the world go ‘round. Seattle covers the 8.5, but I’m not going to try and pick a winner in this one, too many variables.
Parlay Special!
SEATTLE +8.5, OVER 37

Indy @ Baltimore (LINE: Baltimore -4 o/u 41)

The Ravens are simply too good. Yes, the Colts stepped up and shut down Larry Johnson last week. They looked like a team who found their defense. But what happened to Payton Manning? Three interceptions and only one TD? If the Chiefs could have mustered any sign of offence, the Colts would be making Tee times this weekend.

I hate to do it again, but we all know Payton Manning folds under pressure. Add to that being on the road, and this one’s in the bag.
BALTIMORE -4

Philly @ New Orleans (LINE: Saints -6 o/u 48)

This one’s a tough one to call, straight up anyways. Philly’s won six straight heading into this game. They seem to be a force to be reckoned with in the NFC. And all of this takes place AFTER Donovan McNabb goes down? Suspect. The Eagles are coming off a first round win over the NY Giants.

The Saints have been an offensive force all season. QB Drew Brees has thrown for 4,818 yds, 26TD and 13 INTS. They had a buy in the first round so have been sitting idle since their regular season finale, a loss to Carolina. (Don’t panic about the loss. The Saints couldn’t improve their playoff situation and benched many starters before half time.)

DIFFRENCE MAKER: Eagles Pro Bowl CB Lito Sheppard will miss this game with a dislocated elbow.
Parlay Special! Remember, we’re down $240 from week one. Only way to make it back: CHASE THE LOSS!!!
SAINTS -6, OVER 48

New England @ San Diego (LINE: Chargers-4.5 o/u 46.5)

I’d love to pick the Tom & Bill show again this week. After the ass raping they posted on their old buddy Mangina by kicking the living shit out of the Goddamn Jets, I’d love to keep riding them into the sunset. They have every last facet of the game down. There’s no reason they shouldn’t win every game in the playoffs. It’s just what they do.

But they’re playing San Diego and LT. In his house.

There’s not much to say about San Diego. They haven’t lost a football game since Week 7. They’ve been playing just about as good as any team can play. Tomlinson is running like a well oiled machine. Their defense is mauling people. What’s not to like about the Chargers?

A ROOKIE Quarterback. Even better, a rookie QB who sprained a foot in on December 31st. If the Pat’s D can get at Rivers and knock him out of this game, things may get interesting. That said…

PATRIOTS +4.5

Beginning Poker Tips

2007-01-05T14:35:00.000-05:00

So you've caught the poker bug, huh? People all over the world have, and with limitations being placed on online gambling sites, more and more people are leaning toward regular home games to fulfill their Texas Hold 'Em fix. The problem is, not many people know the basic tenets of Texas Hold' Em strategy. In this article, we'll cover some of the more common mistakes new players make, and provide some fundamental tips that will help you from ending up on the rail long before you finish in the money.

Common Poker Mistake #1 - Cards down, boot up.

Novice players are easy to spot. Just look for the dum-dums calling bets off to the river and getting nickel-and-dimed into bankruptcy. I love seeing those guys at the table...they may as well be putting their money right into my pocket. Those with little experience play medium and weak hands WAY too liberally, and even if they have decent cards they either overbet or slowplay to the river. Do yourself a favor...log on to a free poker Website and play one hundred hands. Keep a tally of how many times you take down a pot and divide that into 100. In your next 100 hands, only play these starting hands: AA, AK, AQ, AJ, A10, KK, KQ, KJ, K10, QQ, QJ, Q10, JJ, J10 and 10/10. Keep a tally of how many times you take down a pot and divide that into 100. Chances are, you'll be winning about four times as often simply using these 15 major starting hands. Of course, more experienced players can play any cards depending on the circumstances, but I'm pretty sure the headline reads "Beginning Poker Tips," not "Doyle Brunson's Super System."

Common Poker Mistake #2 - The Rookie Bluff

So you've seen a cool movie where a level-headed protagonist outdoes an evil-doer card-shark at the felt and thought, "I wanna do that!" Hell, we all have put ourselves in that position. But ask yourself one question before you go all in on your unsuited numbers...do you actually know when to bluff? There are a few dozen situations in poker when more experienced players will rely on the bluff to swing the momentum their way, and an equal amount of bluffing techniques that players can use in particularly tough spots. If you don't understand why it's a bad play to bluff someone on a short stack with four people calling to the river while you're out of position, then don't pretend to know how to make that bluff and get caught pushing in like a fish.

Common Poker Mistake #3 - Playing Weak Hands in Early Position

I just mentioned player position above, and here's what I mean. Let's say you're in a game with eight other players, and you're first to bet before the flop with As 7h. You think your ace might be good, but aren't sure, so you call the blinds and reraise twice the size of the pot. Immediately, the odds are stacked against you. There are now seven players following you who know your hand is weak because of your half-hearted attempt at staying in the pot. Anyone with a medium pair, suited connectors or a stay-card and high kicker would be quick to reraise you. Even if your Ace is still high, that unsuited seven kicker won't look too hot anymore if two people call you to the flop and there's a reraise on the board -- and since you've just been scared off by the heavy action, you've given up your raise -- the equivalent of a big and small blind later on. Players in early position must play tighter. Only when when you have late position can you afford to play weaker hands because you've then gathered information from all the other player's actions.

Common Poker Mistake #4 - Not Knowing Pot Odds or Catch Percentages (i.e. Welcome to math class, dunderhead)

Need help to make your hand? How much help? Knowing the pot odds will help you get out of risky draws, allowing you to keep your chip stack safe until you own the nuts later on.
With the small blind at $10, and your $20 reraise on the button met by the small and big blinds, there's $120 in the pot and you have Kc 10c in the hole. The board kicks out Jc Ad 3c. You've already got four cards to the flush and four to the straight. Since there are 4 clubs out, the 9 clubs in the deck can help you make your flush. In addition, four queens are available that can help you make your straight. Since one of the four Queens has already been counted in your outs for the flush, there are 12 cards in the deck that can help you make your hand. And remember, since your opponents cards are unknown, they don't detract from your chances of pulling one of those 12 cards on the flop or river. Since you have two cards in your hand, and there are three upcards on the table, 5 cards (whose values are all known) can be mathematically eliminated from the deck. So, from a 52-card deck, you know the value of 5 cards. (52-5=47). That means you have 12 out of 47 chances to make your hand (roughly 25%). If the next raise is equal to or less than 25% of the total pot after people bet in ($120 pot + $20 bets from each blind before you = $160 -- less the $40 you've put in already before you match the new raise (=$120) --; your $20 call makes your pot odds 1:6. Would you be willing to make six times your $20 call 25% of the time? Statistically, you will earn six times the amount of your call by winning the hand 1 out of every 4 plays...and that's great for your wallet.

Reasoning: Let's say you lose the hand 75% of the time, or 3 out of 4 times. That means you lost $60 calling that $20 bet three times. Now the statistical fourth time comes your way. You make the $20 call and -- assuming no one bets again on the flop or river to make the math easier -- you've just won a $180 pot (less the $60 you've contributed) giving you a $120 profit (six times the amount of your $20 "investment." So over the course of four hands, you're ahead $60. That's pot odds.

Pot odds can help you decide if you should call to see the next card on the board. It's hard to grasp at first, but the more you play, the quicker the math will come, and the fatter your wallet will get. Remember, the best players are the ones that don't get too attached to a hand, and can lay their cards down if the situation is unfavorable. You can't lose money you don't bet.

These are just some basic tips from a casual weekend player to help your game and to separate you from the monkeys. Good luck, and check for more installments of poker advice in the future.

JUICED

2007-01-05T09:29:00.000-05:00

Universal Medical Systems, a company that specializes in computer imaging, released a report this week claiming that baseballs used in the 1998 season had enlarged rubber cores and synthetic rubber rings. UMS, along with a little help from two doctors from The Center for Quantitative Imaging at Penn State, analyzed advanced computer imagery of baseballs from the ’98 season.

Universal Medical Systems President David Zavango has offered the sporting world this tidbit: A record breaking home run ball that season was tampered with.

“Examining the CT images of Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball one can clearly see the synthetic ring around the core, or ‘pill’, of the baseball. While Mark McGuire may or may not have used illegal steroids, the evidence shows his ball, under the governing body of the league, was juiced.”

MLB officials, in an attempt to cover their asses, have tried to explain UMS’s findings, stating the rubber ring is really a cardboard washer. They have also rushed to the defense of Rawlings, the supplier of MLB baseballs since 1977, explaining the quality control procedure and insisting no changes have been made to the core of the ball since Rawlings starting supplying them.

I cannot figure out why this story isn’t getting any press.

Could it be the powers that be want to hide this as best as possible? It’s quite obvious that after the strike of ’94 MLB wanted fans to return to the game. After all, baseball is America’s past time. And remember, baseball is a business and the idea of owning and operating a business is to MAKE MONEY. It’s estimated that the strike cost owners and players a combined total of over $800,000,000.

Is it possible that, in an attempt to spark interest for the game, the honchos buried their heads in the sand when they heard rumblings of steroid use? That they even introduced a juiced ball into the game in an effort to keep fans interested? That they knew big home runs would put asses in seats?

Most definitely.

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

2007-01-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

I think this sums up Sexy Rexy's play this season.

Grossman offered this to Reporters today:

"In this league, especially at this position, you have to bring it every single week, no matter what. And the situation was I felt like I was going to play about a half, and it was the last game, it was New Year's Eve. There were so many other factors that brought my focus away from what is actually important, and that's something that I am never going to do again. There is too much I am responsible for to not give it 100 percent during the week and just the full attention. It's another lesson."

Well, here's another lesson, Rexy. Fall to your hands and knees in front of a large angry black man -- and you're bound to get FUCKED.

The "Don't Bet on This" Playoff Preview

2007-01-04T14:57:00.000-05:00

Ahhh the NFL Playoffs. I love it! Enough of the political tomfoolery that is known as the BCS, time for some real football! I know that Big Willie already posted his first round predictions while playing the spread but I'd like to do mine March Madness style and pick my winners all the way through right now. And, since I am sure to be wrong on most of these (although if I am right you will hear me gloat) I will not play the spread since I don't like to gamble on football that much. So, here we go:

DALLAS COWBOYS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

First off let me state how pitiful the NFC is. That fact cannot be overstated. Seattle has quietly come into the playoffs, while RomoMania has cooled off in the last few weeks (let me go on record as saying that I personally believe Romo had a few good weeks that made his head big but now its time to come back to earth and play like the no-name QB he really is but like I said, 99.9% of my predictions are usually wrong). Bill Parcells, FUPA and all, has lost control. Its not his fault. The blame is solely on owner Jerry Jones. He basically forced Parcells to have T.O. and lets face it, nobody can control his pompous ass. But I digress. Seattle is finally back at full strength and they are playing at home. I'm taking Seattle in a blowout.

NEW YORK GIANTS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Gotta hand it to Andy Reid, he's a hell of a coach. Just a month and a half ago everyone was saying the Giants were the team in the NFC. Then it was Dallas. Well, the Eagles emerged from that division the victors, winning 5 straight and rolling into the playoffs with momentum, and they did it without their star QB. On the other hand, the Giants have looked just awful. Their lone bright spot has been Tiki Barber. Eli Manning (a major pussy) has been getting bashed in the media, and rightfully so. I am actually surprised Daddy hasn't come to his defense and demand the newspapers quit picking on his baby. Well, once again Barber will be the lone bright spot (maybe some Brandon Jacobs action too, since him and I are alumni of the same school), Eli Manning will suck hippo cock, Shockey will blame the coaching staff, Coughlin will blame Eli, Strahan will blame Plaxico, Plaxico will say "I don't give a shit what that gap-toothed fat fuck thinks, now let me smoke this spliff in peace", Pappa Manning will defend Eli, Coughlin will choke Pappa Manning ala Latrell Sprewell, the Giants will lose and Coughlin will get fired.

"Stop picking on my baby boy! He's very
sensitive! You're hurting his feelings!"

NEW YORK JETS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Bill Belichick feels he was betrayed by Eric Mangini and feels Mangini is being a baby. Belichick has actually acted like a baby after a regular season loss to the Jets. Conventional wisdom would say Brady + Belichick + home field + playing the goddamn Jets = easy New England victory. I say otherwise. Now, this is mostly on sheer gut feeling, but I think the Jets will be the surprise team of the playoffs. The major X factor here is Belichick's cockyness. He had won so many times with interchangeable parts that he told Dieon Branch, New England's only real receiver, to get the fuck outta town. Mangini has proven he can coach, and I think he will have a defensive scheme that will contain Brady. If the Jets can stop Lawrence Maroney, which is no easy task, they will squeak by the Pats. Now let the barrage of emails calling me a complete moron begin. I won't blame you.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

This may be the easiest game to predict. The Colts have no defense. The Chiefs have a helluva offensive weapon in Larry Johnson (by the way, just to show you I do admit when I am wrong, I predicted that the Chiefs would have O Line problems this year and LJ would be a flop. Boy do I have egg on my face!). The Colts window of opportunity has officially shut. Plus, Peyton Manning has proven time and time again that when it comes to the postseason he is useless (I hope Pappa Manning doesn't demand I take that statement back). I'm taking the Chiefs in a landslide.

This all brings us to the Division Round:

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Let me say that although Nick Saban is getting bashed for taking Duante Culpepper instead of Drew Brees, lets be real. Both QBs were injured last year and it was a crap shoot. That all being said, Brees is a stud. Personally, I think he should have won the MVP, or at least Co-MVP (I'm sure I will get another barrage of emails but let me say that LT is my favorite current player in the NFL and the above statement is not taking anything away from him, I just feel the Saints would be a 4 win team without Brees, whereas the Chargers would be above .500 without LT). This game is where the Eagles run out of gas. The Saints offense is too potent, especially at home on turf. Saints in a barn burner.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT CHICAGO BEARS

Da Bearss! Da Bearss!! Polish Sausage, Ditka, Bearss.....Enough of my dreaming. This is definitely the hardest game for me to predict. Good Rex = Bears Blowout, Bad Rex = Bears loss. Which one will show up? And what about that banged up defense? And have we seen enough of the Seahawks at full strength this year to fairly assess them? ARRGH!!! Well, I'm a lifelong Bears fan, so I'm pretty accustomed to disappointment. God, I really hope I am wrong on this one, but I'm predicting Bad Rex comes to play and brings his 1.3 or lower passer rating with him and sends the Seahawks to victory.

NEW YORK JETS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS

The Ravens are another one of those teams nobody talks about. Their defense is stellar as usual, and their offense is improved thanks to them actually having a QB for once. That's about all the commentary I have on them. Brian Billick thinks he is a genius, Eric Mangini could be a genius. Gut feeling here again, I'm taking the Jets in an upset.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

San Diego Chargers, featuring league MVP LT. Kansas City Chiefs featuring the game's second best RB LT. Wow. What a game this will be. San Diego is the toast of the NFL. The Chiefs defense is improved this year, but they are not as good as the Chargers' defense. LT will have 5 TDs and the Chargers will roll to victory.

Now for the Conference Championships:

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Once again, who the hell knows what we will see from Seattle. The potent Saints offense will once again be at home on turf, but Shaun Alexander will also benefit from playing on turf, and Seattle also has a good defense. The Saints have virtually no defense. I'm going with big game coaching experience on this one and giving the nod to Mike Holmgren and the Seahawks. Repeat NFC Champs.

NEW YORK JETS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

It's time for Schottenheimer to finally make it to the big game. Mangini may be a genius, but this Jets team just doesn't have the manpower to stop the Chargers. San Diego in the Super Bowl.

Finally, The Super Bowl

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VERSUS SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

This is the match up of the last two MVPs. Seattle will once again fall one victory shy of the promised land. With no John Elway standing in his way, Marty Scottenheimer will finally win the big one and be the feel good story of the year. San Diego Chargers: Super Bowl XLI Champs.

Post-Sugar Bowl Hysteria from a madman...

2007-01-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite jokes of all time:

What do Notre Dame and weed have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.

Once again, the lepre-cons has proven why America is beginning to smell the stink the Fighting Irish have left on their attempts at BCS glory. The gold-helmeted dunderheads have lost nine straight bowl appearances, leaving the Irish faithful to wonder how they would have fared had Lou Holtz stayed in South Bend offering his mushmouthed motivational meanderings in the postseason.

Truth is, Notre Dame has been a mid-major program for the last decade. You can’t cushion an already weak season schedule consisting of wins against North Carolina, Stanford and Purdue with three wins against military teams and declare yourself the media baby and a national title contender…can you?

That’s a question for Boise State head coach Chris Peterson to consider as he confronts the media about how the still-undefeated Broncos would fare in the championship game against Ohio State. Would they have a chance? Probably not…but those making the case are raising some serious questions about conference discrepancies, media bias, and team talent.

When we say that a 13-0 Boise State team can’t hang with a 12-0 Ohio State team, each of us relies on a set of variables to make that decision. How strong were their conference and non-conference schedules? What were the margins for victories or losses? How did they do at home compared to away games? How do their offensive and defensive schemes compare? Mathematically, things get tricky when assessing all of these variables. Now, plug those exponential possibilities into a variable we can’t account for – the insensibility of human opinion – and what do you have?

That’s right! The BCS!

I’m no mathematician, but I can calculate that discrepancies occur when humans are involved. The term media bias is an oxymoron…the media, as an independent entity, gives no shits. The people driving the media do. Until there’s a way to break the human sway on these issues, everything will still look muddled.

Let’s imagine for a moment what the BCS would be like if part of its outcome was not based upon human biases. Bye-bye Harris Poll…so long Coach’s Poll…good riddance AP poll. All we’d have left is factually-generated computer analysis, and finally a more accurate idea of how two teams would match up in a BCS Bowl, right?

Perhaps it would, but weigh that against this little nugget of conspiracy from the bcsfootball.org Web site:

“The conference commissioners and the Notre Dame athletics director make decisions regarding all BCS issues, in consultation with an athletics directors advisory group and subject to the approval of a presidential oversight committee whose members represent all 117 Division 1-A programs.”

So here we’ve come full-circle. In our attempt to limit Notre Dame’s impact on post-seasonal positioning, we’ve discovered that with no non-BCS Bowl tie-ins, the Irish are seemingly guaranteed a spot in the BCS if their record trickles over the .500 mark.

So here’s what I say, Notre Dame…

1. Quit hiding behind the fact that you help out the service academies by playing them every year. You and your fans must only use one hand to pat yourselves on the back every year since you all need the other to collectively swat away the notion that Notre Dame isn’t as good as they think they are…AGAIN.

2. Quit hiding behind your storied program history. Princeton, Yale, Dartmouth, and Army won national championships in the past too…but they’re smart enough to know their place now.

This dominating 1884 Yale squad
went 8-0-1 -- with only 16 players.
Chris Gamble, eat your heart out!
All these guys played both sides
of the ball!

Finally, getting back to the BCS nonsense…let’s say Florida beats OSU for the national title.

Florida lost to Auburn, who lost to Georgia, who lost to Vanderbilt, who lost to Old Miss, who lost to Missouri, who lost to Oregon State…

…but Oregon State beat then #3 USC, who went on to trample former #2 Michigan in the Rose Bowl.

I can see the Gameday tagline next year:

“College football: More senseless than Bush’s propaganda!”

I need a drink.

OLD PEOPLE DRIVING!

2007-01-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

I can hear the jokes already.

“He’ll beat you on the track and then tell ya to stay the hell off his lawn.”
“If they put an Country Kitchen Buffet at the finish line, he’ll be the first to cross it.”
“Betcha $10 he’ll be wearing Depends for the race.”
“If he wrecks can he hit his Medic Alert Necklace and Shout, ‘Help! I’ve flipped a NASCAR and I can’t get up?’”
“If he pops a Viagra before the race, he’s got it.”

I could go on and on.

Bet you’re asking yourself “what the fuck is he talking about now?” Well, in a sport that never fails to entertain, there’s a new (old) name on the block. Rumors are flying around NASCAR that James Harvey Hylton will run in the Daytona 500.

Who the hell is James Harvey Hylton you ask? Only the NASCAR Grand National Division Rookie of the Year!

...in 1966. Yes, '66.

Forty-one years ago this guy could handle a piece of Detroit Steel. During his career he finished second in points in 1966, 1967, and 1971. He also won the 1970 Richmond 400, the 1970 NASCAR Grand American Citrus 250, and the 1972 Talladega 500. He currently drives the #48 in the ARCA RE/MAX Series.

PHOTO CREDIT: ARCAracing.com

Sounds impressive, huh? Unfortunately, Mr. Hylton wasn’t two years old when he started driving, he was a grown man, which will put him at the ripe old age of 73 for next month's Daytona 500.

Who in the hell in their right mind would put this old bastard behind the wheel of a multi-million dollar race car? Just one of the biggest names in NASCAR, Richard Childress. With backing like that, he might even have a shot.

For as much as I’d love to give this old bird guff, I can’t. He’s just a good old boy livin’ the dream baby…livin’ the dream.

NFL Playoffs 2007: Wild Card Weekend – A Guide to Getting Paid.

2007-01-03T07:27:00.000-05:00

Photo Credit: SI.com

So my boy Rhino posted his take on the College Bowl scene. It’s his game, and I’m not really one to comment on it. While I enjoy NCAA Football, mostly because of the sweet tailgating experience and the plethora of extremely attractive coeds, I’m not a freak, or at least a freak in the sense that Rhino is.

I prefer the NFL. And because of that preference, I also prefer to GAMBLE on the NFL. I stay away from betting on college sports in general, for reasons I care not to divulge here. Let’s just say you stick with what you know.

That said, here’s my breakdown of the first round, aka Wild Card Weekend.

KC Chiefs @ Indy Colts (LINE: Colts -7, o/u51)

I’ve heard a lot of people who claim to know football to say this one is a lock. That Archie’s #1 son will tear through the Chiefs questionable defense. But the problem I see here is that his time on the field is going to be limited. Let’s face it, William “The Refrigerator” Perry could rush for 150 yards against the Colts. And the Chiefs happen to have a RB who’s slightly better…Larry Johnson. Look for Johnson to carry the ball upwards of 40 times, eating the clock and keeping Manning on the sidelines. Better yet, when KC gets the lead, Payton will start to make some bad decisions and will look more like Eli. Not only does KC COVER, they win outright.

KC+7

Dallas Cowboys @ Seattle Seahawks (LINE: Seahawks-3, o/u46.5)

This one will go down as “The Romo Game.” I say that because I strongly think that Dallas QB Tony Romo will make Sexy Rex Grossman look like Joe Namath. In his first playoff game, look for Romo to turn the ball over early and often. Seattle’s got more experience in key positions and a coach who doesn’t have the body of Patrick from Sponge Bob. Seattle will win at home and send the Tuna packing.

SEAHAWKS -3

NY Jets @ NE Patriots (LINE: Patriots -9, o/u37.5)

Hate to say it, but you’ve got to go with Brady. The kid has proven himself time & time again in the playoffs, and will do it again this year taking his team deep. After an embarrassing shut out loss to Miami, Brady has led the Pats to three straight wins, posting 40 points twice. He’s coming into this game with a hot hand, and will guide his team to another playoff win.

PATS -9

NY Giants @ Philly Eagles (LINE: -6.5 o/u46.5)

Philadelphia’s hot, winning 5 straight to close out the season. The Giants are coming off a big win vs. Washington that they desperately needed after two ugly losses, one of which came at the hands of Philly. The difference maker in this game: Eli Manning. He will continue to shit the bed when it comes to pressure situations. Both of Archie’s boys will be out of the payoffs in round one. Philly. BIG.

Eagles -6.5

Happy New Year 'N Shit...

2007-01-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

So it’s 2007. Whew. Anther year has come and gone. We’re all one year older, which for most men transitioning from their 20’s into their 30’s (our demographic) means a little fatter, a little balder, a little richer, and more aware of the sporting world. Why more aware you ask? Most of us have been sports fans for years, why at this age are we suddenly more aware?

Simple. During these transitional years, most of us have gotten married, bought a house, and are doing our damnedest to live the American Dream. We have careers now, not JOBS. We own cars with leather seating. We have TV’s that are as big paintings hanging in art museums. We take sophisticated vacations that have a purpose other than getting hammered and having sex in another state. We have started our own families, most consisting of a dog and a wife, some adding a child into the mix.

With everything going on in our lives, we migrate to one staple that the noise provided by all the things mentioned in the above paragraph (and those that chose to leave out) cannot bury. The one thing we’ve all been bonded by since pee-wee baseball and pop-warner football. Sports.

The world of Sports brings us together when we’re kids, awkward little people who would rather pick a dandy lion in right field than pay attention to the game. And we don’t know it at that age, when we’re first thrust into the scene, that the world we’ve joined is more than that of an athlete. But we can see it in our father’s eyes. Their willingness to play catch after a long day at work. Their ability to pull strings and make it to the game. How amazingly proud they are when you catch a fly ball to record the last out or make a tackle at the end of the game. When you step onto the field as a child, you become something more than a player, an athlete, and a fan. You become a man.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself what in the hell is this serious piece doing in a sports blog where the writers are more concerned about Boobs, Beers, and fart jokes, but it all comes full circle. Shit like this is what I think about when a new year begins.

Especially in 2007, when in four short months, I stand to become a Dad. Yup. In +/-146 days I will have a living, breathing creation which proves that all the liquor and illicit substances I’ve poured into my body for the better part of 10 years haven’t affected my swimmers. No siree Bob. My junk works.

Now, with all of that out there for the world to digest, I’d like to make a few (how fucking cliché’ am I) predictions for the year to come. I’ll break it down monthly so all you slow pricks can follow…

January 2007
I’ll get completely hammered on New Year’s Eve. Jagermeister will get the best of me for the last time, after December 31, 2006 I won’t be able to pull that shit. And, per standard custom I will spend Jan 1, 2007 planted firmly on the couch cussing the bastard who forced those shots down my throat.

Bobby Knight will cry in public, proving he’s human.

Norte Dame will WIN a Bowl game. No one will care.

Ohio State will be crowned National Champions after a close win over the Florida Gators. Again, no one will care.

I will turn 29, one short step from 30. Fuck I’m old….

The Chicago Bears will beat Eli Manning and the Giants in the second round of the NFL play offs, only to lose their next game to the Saints.

The Denver Nuggets will be forced to play with 6th Graders from a local Elementary School after their entire team gets suspended following a bench clearing brawl.

Nick Saban takes the Alabama job and the $40M they dangle in his face.

February 2007
I will spend Super Bowl weekend in a drunken haze in Los Vegas. I will watch the Saints lose the Super Bowl to San Diego on a 30’ screen at Caesars Palace. I will report live from Vegas and Rhino will cry in his beer over memories of 2004. And like years past, I will pick a winner that will fail to cover the spread. After the game LaDainian Tomlinson will publicly tell Emmitt Smith to suck his nuts.

Pitchers and catchers will report to spring training. Sammy Sosa will bounce from camp to camp looking for somewhere to catch on. To many GM’s dismay, he shows up looking like Willie Mays Hayes.

Dale Jr. kisses the wall at Daytona and not only lives, but wins. He cries in the winners circle and announces his retirement.

A.I. goes Brian Wilson, locking himself in a room with a stripper, a wolverine, and 10 kilos of blow. He refuses to come out unless his cousin Pookey produces TuPac and Biggie, who a delusional Iverson insists are still alive.

March 2007
Bill Cower announces his retirement, stating he’s moving on to bigger things. He will become a face model for toothpaste commercials.

The NCAA hands Bob Knights Red Raiders an invite to the 2007 tourney even though they’re 3 games over .500. Knight, stunned by the offer, leads his team to the Championship game, which Texas Tech wins.

April 2007
Barry Zito gets hit with a line drive in his debut with the Giants and breaks his elbow. Peter Magowan shits his pants, Barry Bonds laughs.

May 2007
My wife takes one more step closer to 30.

The Memphis Grizzlies get the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft Lottery after finishing the season with only 16 wins.

The Kentucky Derby is won by Barbaro who completes the biggest come back in sporting history.

The world is introduced to my attempt at procreation.

June 2007
The Phoenix Suns win the NBA Championship.

Bret Favre announces his retirement. He sobs like a little girl at the press conference as does the entire state of Wisconsin.

The Buffalo Sabres win the Stanly Cup. No one over the age of 19 and south of International Falls cares.

The Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the MBL Post Season.

July 2007
Tiger Woods’ wife, uber-hottie Elin Nordegren gives birth to a healthy baby boy whom they promptly name Nike.

Bret Favre holds a press conference to announce he’s decided to return to the NFL. His heartburn is driving him nuts while he sits at home in Mississippi, and he knows he can break that TD record. Ends press confrence by shouting "Fuck Marino."

August 2007
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo found dead in a hotel room after choking on his own vomit in his sleep. A fitting end to the life of an EIU Grad.

Pedro returns to the Mets who are 10 games under .500.

September 2007
The NFL announces that all its players are to stay out of any establishment that may be deemed a “Club” after the 17th player is shot this year. Any violation of this rule will result in a permanent ban from football.

The Yankees lose in Toronto on September 11 to the league’s first Saudi pitcher. After the game Jason Giambi kills him with his bare hands, not because of his ethnicity, but because he thought he was Johnny Damon...because EVERYBODY hates Johnny Damon.

October 2007
Vlad Guerrero’s knee finally gives out, just in time for the playoffs.

The NBA attempts to introduce another “new” ball during pre season of the 2007-2008 season. This one is made of latex. All of the players refuse to use it, saying it makes the game feel different.

The Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series. George Steinbrenner drops dead of heart attack upon hearing the news.

MAMQB writer Rudedogg gets hitched and joins the ranks of the happily married suckers around the world.

November 2007
The Dallas Cowboys, with Vinnie Testaverde at QB, win on Thanksgiving. Bill Parcells celebrates by jumping up and down on the sidelines until the crotch in his Mom-Jeans gives out, exposing his front butt on national TV.

Wayne Gretzky comes out of retirement to fund his wife’s gambling habit.

The powers that be at the BCS get their heads out of their asses and announce a ten game playoff to determine the best team in college football.

December 2007
Maurice Clarett is released from jail for good behavior. He voices a desire to come back to the NFL, but is shot dead a week after his release. No one is surprised.

Ohio State, after a dismal season, is given a bid to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl…and lose…to Marshall.

Back Yard Football?

2007-01-02T08:46:00.000-05:00

Big, big ups to the Broncos. No, not Denver, even though they do deserve some pub after falling flat on their faces this weekend, delivering a giant shit sandwich to a home crowd losing to the lowly 49ers. Any team which ventures inside the opponents red zone 3 times and once down to the 1 yard line and cannot get into the end zone deserves to be sitting at home while real men play in the post season. Fucking losers.

I digress. The intent here was to talk about the other Broncos. The ones from Boise State. After their 12-0 season, these Broncos were selected to play Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. People in the sports world were laughing at this match up. Yes, Boise State was undefeated, but they play in a no-name conference. Oklahoma (#7) would surly win this game in the desert, played for the first time away from Tempe at University of Phoenix (not at a college, but the WEBISTE) Stadium in Glendale.

The Broncos of Boise State were determined to prove they were worthy of the big game nod. They held an 18 point lead in the third quarter, only to slowly watch is slip away. With one minute left on the clock in regulation, Boise State QB Jared Zabransky dropped back and threw a pass to his left. It was intercepted and taken to the house. This game was all but over. Boise State now trailed 35-28 with 1:02 left.

They quickly found themselves in more trouble, standing near mid field with seconds to go, facing a 4th and 18. The Sooners had this one in the bag. Until the Broncos ran a hook-and-ladder. Yup. You heard it. With seconds left in a BCS game and undefeated season on the line, Boise State head coach Chris Peterson calls a play glorified by Back Yard Quarterbacks around the nation. And they ran it to perfection, tying the score and sending the game into Overtime.

In overtime, Sooners running back Adrian Peterson took a hand off to the left, bounced outside, and waltzed into the end zone on the first play from scrimmage. Boise State had to answer the bell again.

Inside the 10 yard line, the Broncos lined up in the shot gun. Then QB Zabransky went in motion. WR Vinnie Peretta took the snap, rolled right, and hit a man in the end zone with a great touch pass. One point would tie it up again. But that wasn’t enough for Boise State. What was the good in being tied again? Their defense was tired and they were not going to stop Oklahoma. So Broncos Coach Peterson called for a two point conversion for the win.

I’ve gotta say, I love the call. Regardless of the outcome of the game, Peterson did what any GOOD coach is hired to do…put his team in the best situation to WIN. With one play from the 2 yard line, this game could be over. He’d look like a genius, his team would end the story book run.

So, with their nuts exposed to the world, the Boise State Broncos lined up for one final play. The call? Maybe a play action pass to a tight end? I blast up the middle behind their biggest lineman? A fade to your best leaping WR in the corner of the end zone?

Nope. The State of Liberty. With 3 wide to his right, Broncos QB took the snap, cocked, and handed the ball off behind his back to his running back who cruised into the end zone for the win.

And do you want Story Book? An ending that only the writers of some Teen-Angst Drama could script? That RB, Ian Johnson scored the winning TD, ran to his girlfriend on the sideline who is a Cheerleader at Boise State, dropped to a knee and asked for her hand in marriage.

Of course, she said yes.

But after all this, Boise State may be surrounded in controversy. One day after winning a game they weren't supposed to be playing in the first place, the Boise State Broncos are making many people question why a team that's 13-0 isn't playing for the National Championship.

Could the Broncos beat Ohio State? Who knows. But they should be given a CHANCE. I'm sure Coach Peterson has a few plays in his book that we'd all love to see.

I Wanna Be Like Mike

2006-12-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

Chicago AP is reporting that Michael Jordan and wife of 17 years, Juanita, filed for divorce on Friday. It’s the second time the Jordan’s have gone through the motions. In 2002 Juanita filed for divorce but quickly changed her mind when someone told her she was married to one of the richest athletes in the world. This time, Juanita means business.

Juanita has said any attempts to reconcile their marriage in the future “"would be impractical and not in the best interests of the family."

"That Bitch want's How Much?"

This one is going to cost Mike big bucks. Why you ask? Because she’s put up with his shit for too long. All the gambling and womanizing have most likely compounded exponentially in the five years since their last visit to the lawyers. Let’s break it down…

Gambling. It’s known that Mike has a little problem. His reputation in Vegas and Atlantic City is well known and the stories of his long runs at many Blackjack tables are plentiful. Many of such runs have reportedly taken place the evening before a game. Supposedly Jordan favored A.C. when playing in New York or New Jersey and Vegas when playing Utah or L.A.

It’s also been rumored he’s a big money guy on the golf course. Jordan lost $1.3M in ten days in 1991, all chronicled in Michael & Me: Our Gambling Addiction . . . My Cry for Help! by Richard Esquinas. The book wasn’t taken seriously initially, but Esquinas produced correspondence and canceled checks.

And there’s also the tale of $57,000. After a reported week of golf and gabling at his Hilton Head home, Jordan was down $57,000 to a shady character named James Bouler and $108,000 to a friend, Eddie Dow. Bouler had a few run-ins with the law, including possession of cocaine with intent to distribute and two probation violations, both after he was arrested carrying semi-automatic weapons.

When Jordan cut the check to pay his debt, Bouler deposited the money in an account for a high tech golf driving range. The feds, suspecting this cash was drug money, seized the funds. In the end, it was Jordan who cleared his friend’s name. Jordan publicly acknowledged giving Bouler the $57K, but said it was a loan to start the driving range. MJ’s story prompted a US District Court Judge to rule in favor of Mr. Bouler, finding the IRS seized the money in violation of Bouler’s rights.

Then, less than six months later, Eddie Dow was robbed of $20,000 and killed outside his home. Among Dow’s belongings? Three checks, two from Jordan’s personal account and one cashier’s check. The total? $108,000.

Conspiracy theorists speculate that his 1993 retirement was actually an agreement between Jordan and the NBA, letting Mike walk away while increased scrutiny for his gambling habit peaked and seek professional help for his growing habit. .

In the press conference Jordan said he had nothing left to prove and looked forward to spending time with this wife and children. (A short time later he would be boarding a bus with the Birmingham Barons, a minor league affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, which, by chance, was owned by Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf…)

Two days after the press conference, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced the five month long investigation into Jordan’s alleged gambling had ended without finding any incriminating evidence

Regardless of the reasoning, Jordan’s retirement in ’93 is and will always be one of the strangest situations surrounding a Sports Super Star.

Woman. While it’s always been rumored that Jordan kept girlfriends in virtually every NBA city (a practice many players have been accused of) and stories of ref’s hooking MJ up with dolly’s after games have been shared with the press, there is one name that almost haunted Jordan for life.

Karla Knafel, a former lover, filed a $5M lawsuit against MJ, insisting Jordan promised her the money for keeping quiet and not filing a paternity suit after she became pregnant in 1991. However, a DNA test proved Mike wasn’t the Baby-Daddy and the suit was dropped.

Given what the public knows, which is most likely a small piece of the whole Michael Jordan story, this divorce should not come as a surprise to anyone. The shocking thing should be the fact that they made it 17 years.

Let me vent please!

2006-12-24T10:39:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve is supposed to be a time of joy. Especially this year for the avid sports fan since there is football on all day. Unfortunately my day has been ruined by one man. His name is Kenny Williams, and he will now be known as "The Grinch Who Traded My Playoff Hopes". See, I've backed this man loyally for years, and in 2005 I was rewarded for it. I didn't bitch a few weeks ago when he traded Freddie Garcia for prospects. Fact is I knew one pitcher was going to go, supposedly to make room for Brandon McCarthy. And I didn't mind it being Garcia, I've never been a huge fan of his anyway. I felt he could have gotten a lot more than prospects, but I still had faith. I thought Kenny knew what he was doing.

Well, now he has gone mad. Last night he traded Brandon McCarthy to Texas for 3 players with no major league experience. Why would you trade a 23 year old phenom who isn't making any money for 3 guys who have yet to play in the majors? It's completely assinine. Thank you for ruining this Sox fan's (and I'm sure the rest of his family's) Christmas, Mr. Grinch!

And here we see Sox GM Kenny Williams,
AKA The Grinch, stealing toys from kids
at a local hospital.

Pickled Marlin

2006-12-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis was arrested at 4:30am this morning on SUSPICION of Drunk Driving.

FUCK! They got me!

What was the cause of the traffic stop you ask?

An officer spotted Willis, 24, pull is black Bently over, get out, and start urinating in the middle of the road. When approached by officers, his intoxicated state became evident and Mr. Willis was placed under arrest. He refused to take a breath test at the station and was transported to Miami-Dade County Jail.

WHAT THE FUCK? Stop your Bently in the middle of the road to take a leak? That's shit the writers of this blog would pull, minus the Bently of course. When will these super star millionaire athletes stay out of trouble? Watch this story, it could get better....

NCAA Bowl Game Experiment and Predictions

2006-12-21T19:19:00.000-05:00

This is my time of the year. March Madness in December. The culmination of five months of observing, analyzing, and finger-pointing. My two-week personal Super Bowl: The college football bowl season. Let's jump right in.

I'm hosting an experiment this year. The experiment will serve to benchmark my devotion to NCAA pigskin, though it could come at a high cost -- proving that I am an idiot when it comes to MY SPORT -- college football.

I've filled out three separate College Bowl pools. Each pool was approached in a dynamic and strategic way. When the season is officially over, I will document the results. Here's the breakdown:

POOL #1
The smart, researched picks. These are based on the most recent point spreads as indicated by Vegas, and assigned points from smallest to largest based on which game had the smaller point spread. In theory, this is an untouchable pool, based solely on the opinions of the professionals in the business who know the sport the best.

21 DEC  BYU vs. OREGON          BYU      7  (+7)
27 DEC  UCLA vs. FSU            UCLA     10 (0)
28 DEC  OKIE ST. vs. ALABAMA    OKIEST   5  (+5)
28 DEC  CAL vs. TAMU            CAL      11 (+11)
29 DEC  MISSOU vs. OREGON ST.   OSU      8  (+8)
29 DEC  TEXAS TECH vs. MINN     TEXTECH  13 (+13)
29 DEC  PURDUE vs. MARYLAND     PURDUE   2  (0)
30 DEC  NAVY vs. BC             BC       12 (+12)
30 DEC  IOWA vs. UTEX           UTEX     18 (+18)
30 DEC  UG vs VATECH            VATECH   6  (0)
1 JAN    PSU vs UTENN           UTENN    9  (0) (YAY!)
1 JAN    NEBRASKA vs. AUBURN    AUBURN   4  (+4)
1 JAN    GATECH vs. W.VIRG      WVIR     20 (+20)
1 JAN    WISCONSIN vs. ARKA     ARKA     3  (+3)
1 JAN    USC vs. MICHIGAN       USC      1  (+1)
1 JAN    BOISE ST. vs. OKIE     OKIE     15 (0)
2 JAN    WAKE vs. LOUISVILLE    LOUIS    19 (+19)
3 JAN    LSU vs. ND             LSU      17 (+17)
6 JAN    CINCY vs. W.MICH       CINCY    16
8 JAN    OHIO ST. vs. FLORIDA   OSU      14
(+138 so far)

POOL #2
Rhino's intuitive picks. These selections and point assignments are based on what I've seen this year. In theory, the total points from this pool should be considerably less than the expert total in Pool #1.

21 DEC  BYU vs. OREGON          OREGON  13   (0)
27 DEC  UCLA vs. FSU            UCLA    14   (0)
28 DEC  OKIE ST. vs. ALABAMA    BAMA    10   (0)
28 DEC  CAL vs. TAMU            CAL     15   (+15)
29 DEC  MISSOU vs. OREGON ST.   OR. ST. 11   (+11)
29 DEC  TEXAS TECH vs. MINN     MINN.   12   (0)
29 DEC  PURDUE vs. MARYLAND     PURDUE  6    (0)
30 DEC  NAVY vs. BC             BC      20   (+20)
30 DEC  IOWA vs. UTEX           UTEX    16   (+16)
30 DEC  UG vs VATECH            UG      5    (+5)
1 JAN    PSU vs UTENN           TENN    4    (0) YAY!
1 JAN    NEBRASKA vs. AUBURN    AUBURN  17   (+17)
1 JAN    GATECH vs. W.VIRG      W.VIRG  8    (+8)
1 JAN    WISCONSIN vs. ARK      WISC    9    (+9)
1 JAN    USC vs. MICHIGAN       MICH    7    (0)
1 JAN    BOISE ST. vs. OKIE     BOIST.  1    (+1)
2 JAN    WAKE vs. LOUISVILLE    WAKE    2    (+2)
3 JAN    LSU vs. ND             LSU     18   (+18)
6 JAN    CINCY vs. W.MICH       W.MICH  3   
8 JAN    OHIO ST. vs. FLORIDA   OSU     19
(+122 so far)

POOL #3
Rhino's random coin toss picks. Literally, the point assignments here were based on the outcome of a coin toss. I started with the earliest game, assigning more points to the following game. In theory, my ntuitive picks in Pool #2 should obliterate the total from this pool. I'd like to believe I'm smarter than an indiscriminatory silver 50-cent piece.

21 DEC  BYU vs. OREGON          BYU     1   (+1)
27 DEC  UCLA vs. FSU            UCLA    2   (0)
28 DEC  OKIE ST. vs. ALABAMA    BAMA    3   (0)
28 DEC  CAL vs. TAMU            TAMU    4   (0)
29 DEC  MISSOU vs. OREGON ST.   MISSOU  5   (0)
29 DEC  TEXAS TECH vs. MINN     MINN    6   (0)
29 DEC  PURDUE vs. MARYLAND     PURDUE  7   (0)
30 DEC  NAVY vs. BC             BC      8   (+8)
30 DEC  IOWA vs. UTEX           IOWA    9   (0)
30 DEC  UG vs VATECH            UG      10  (+10)
1 JAN    PSU vs UTENN           UTENN   11  (0)
1 JAN    NEBRASKA vs. AUBURN    NEB     12  (0)
1 JAN    GATECH vs. W.VIR       WVIR    13  (+13)
1 JAN    WISCONSIN vs. ARKA     WISC    14  (+14)
1 JAN    USC vs. MICHIGAN       USC     15  (+15)
1 JAN    BOISE ST. vs. OKIE     BOISE   16  (+16)
2 JAN    WAKE vs. LOUISVILLE    LOUIS   17  (+17)
3 JAN    LSU vs. ND             ND      18  (0)
6 JAN    CINCY vs. W.MICH       CINCY   19 
8 JAN    OHIO ST. vs. FLORIDA   FLORIDA 20
(+94 so far)

The results will be forthcoming. I'll save you the breakdown of each individual game, but I'll share my insight into a few of the more prominent ones.

NEBRASKA vs. AUBURN
I had Auburn playing for the National Title this year. People keep talking about how strong the SEC is, and I can't take away from that, but here's the common oversight: Auburn beat Florida, the team playing the Buckeyes for the national title. The Tigers lost to two much weaker conference foes -- 10-3 Arkansas and 8-4 Georgia. If Auburn brings their A-game all season, they go to Glendale undefeated. Redemption for their two less-than-stellar conference performances will come at the Huskers expense.
NEBRASKA 17 AUBURN 33 (actual score: Neb 14 Aub 17) CORRECT!

WISCONSIN vs. ARKANSAS
Wisconsin has played a weak non-conference schedule, but that hasn't stopped them from losing only one game all year to the #3 Wolverines. I guess we'll actually see how tough the SEC is depending on how the 10-3 Razorbacks perform after they seemingly fell apart against Florida and LSU at season's end.
WISCONSIN 27 ARKANSAS 18 (actual score: Ark 14 Wisc 17) CORRECT!

USC vs. MICHIGAN
I thought Michigan would be the second team in the title game this year, but they fell just short of my prediction in Columbus this November. I was never supportive of a UM-OSU rematch -- as I see it UM had their chance and let it slip. I'm glad to see them going up against a 10-2 USC team, though. Pete Carrol will have his Trojans ready, but after losing AT Oregon State and AT UCLA, their trip out of L.A. to Pasadena for the Grandaddy game looks grim against the mighty Wolverine D.
USC 23 MICHIGAN 42 (actual score USC 32 Mich 18) INCORRECT!

LSU vs. ND
What can I say about ND? God only knows how they came back against Michigan State ealier this year, but the proof remains in the pudding. They've struggled against Georgia Tech and Michigan State, and lost big to Michigan and USC -- teams that a national-championship caliber team should be able to hang with. LSU's only losses came to Auburn and Florida, but their tougher regular season schedule will give them the upper hand against Weis and his size 68 Dockers.
LSU 27 ND 13 (actual score LSU 41 ND 14) CORRECT!

OHIO STATE vs. FLORIDA
Jim Tressel must be a postman in the off-season, because this guy delivers. Ohio State is the new perennial powerhouse of the Big Ten. I've doubted the Buckeyes abilities for the past three pre-seasons, but never again. They are consistent, and I'll only hand the reigns of the Big 10 back to Michigan if the Wolverines and Lloyd Carr can muster a win against Ye Olde Coach Sweatervest next season AND a better record. Florida's good, but in the second half of their Oct. 14 contest against Auburn, the Gators were snubbed by a stout Tigers D. If they couldn't move the ball against Auburn, I don't know how they'll do anything against a Buckeyes defense that allowed two touchdowns or less in 10 of their 12 regular season games. And next to offensive juggernauts Troy Smith, Antonio Pittman, Chris Wells, Ted Ginn and Anthony Gonzalez...Gators just don't look all that menacing.
OHIO STATE 38 FLORIDA 17

That's it for today kids.
Let's just hope I'm more knowledgable about college football than a circular piece of currency.

This Week's Moneyshots

2006-12-19T17:12:00.000-05:00

Tank Johnson was arrested for a misdemeanor pertaining to possessing some guns without a FOID card. No big deal, right? Wrong. He violated his probation from previous run ins with the law. Then, instead of laying low, he went out for a night on the town Friday. I guess he figured "Fuck it, I'm not playing this weekend anyway! Might as well get drunk and laid and go on a bender and rob and loot and do whatever else I feel like!" Point: he went looking for trouble and it found him. His "bodyguard" was shot and killed at a club that night. Does this guy never learn? Clean up your act, or else you will not be making millions playing football anymore. The latest rumor is the Bengals are very interested in picking up Johnson because he fits in so well with their team concept.

Terrell Owens. I have a feeling that he will be a regular in this weekly column. Thats nothing to be proud of, since I mostly just cover major assholes in this segment. This guy spit in the face of Atlanta Falcons DB D'Angelo Hall on Sunday. When asked about it after the game he said it was an accident. Then when there was word that the incident was not clearly visible on TV he said that Hall made the whole thing up. T.O., if you're going to lie, at least be consistent with your story. Your agent said you had 20 million reasons not to commit suicide. Well make that 19,965,000 reasons, since you were fined $35,000. This guy has been a weekly pain in the ass to the Cowboys, and I for one don't think Jerry Jones will have the stones to get rid of him in the offseason. You think Bill Parcels is wishing the pharmacist would have accidentally upped the dosage a couple months ago?

Let's talk about the brawl in Madison Square Garden. Let's try not to offend Steve Francis though. It was reported today that Francis feels the brawl is getting media coverage because the league is predominantly black. "In other sports, there are incidents that are way worse than basketball. So many worse things happen every game or four or five times a year, but because there are more black players in the NBA, it's under the microscope more than baseball or hockey." Look, Stevie Franchise, lets throw hockey out of the equation since fighting is allowed and a part of the game, and then there is the fact that hockey does not get nearly as much press coverage in general as basketball (I wonder if Steve would find that to be reverse discrimination). In baseball there may be a bench clearing brawl, but it usually gets broken up right away with nothing more than a little pushing and shoving. Plus, the last time I checked, there has never been a brawl in either of those sports that had the magnitude of the one that happened two years ago in Detroit.

Then there is Isiah Thomas. He was crying that Denver was running up the score, since George Karl left his starters in there. Only problem is that so did Isiah. Although most would agree that a Division III fifth string JV lineup could beat the Knick's starting five, he has no right to cry in this case. And Karl made that known. Now, I've never been a Karl fan. Didn't like him in Seattle. Didn't like him in Milwaukee. Didn't like him when he played Coach Lubbock on the late 80's family sitcom "Just the 10 of Us" (remember the episode when the son claimed his skateboard was stolen by hockey stick wielding Canadians?). But Ol Babyface is right on this one. In an obscenity laced tirade he called Thomas a "jackass". Supposedly Thomas warned Anthony not to go in the lane anymore. This means the brawl was premeditated. As if the team, or lack thereof, that Thomas has assembled wasn't bad enough, now he is taking his aggressions out on other teams. How does this guy still have a job? Are his employers the same ones who employ Matt Millen? His presence in the NBA is not only one of the great wonders of today, but a damn shame.

Which one coaches the Nuggets?
I can't tell the difference either!

Like I predicted last week, AI is not playing for Miami as ESPN clown/AI salad tosser Stephen A. Smith suggested he may. Today he was traded to Denver to play alongside Carmello Anthony, that is when Anthony returns from his 15 game suspension for the above mentioned brawl. He doesn't need to be near South Beach anyway. I envision a person of AI's character to be a huge skier and I can see the smile on his face when he found out he would be so close Aspen.

When asked about his new turf, AI stated "I can't wait
to get a hold of some of those snowbitches.
I love it here! We talkin bout skiing!"

Last night Chad Johnson was fined for wearing shoes with his picture on them. Thing is he was wearing them in pregame warmups. So why the fine? But the biggest problem is that I had the perfect candidate for this weeks Mockery Player of The Week after I saw someone wearing said player's 49ers jersey this weekend, but it turns out this player is back in the news since he is the one who actually fined Johnson. Remember Merton Hanks and his E.T.-neck celebration dance?
So, this week's MPOTW is former Cardinals/Bears TE Cap Boso. Boso played from 1986-1991 and was drafted out of Illinois. The only other thing I could find on him is that he "never finished in the top 10 in any category", thus furthering the proof that he is truly a mockery.

Trouble in the Meadowlands?

2006-12-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

Is Archie Manning ready to Bitch Slap Coughlin?

The role that Archie Manning plays in the football life of his son Eli has been widely publicized. In 2004 when it came time for his young son to make the move from college ball at Ole Miss to the NFL, Archie Manning made it quite clear he didn’t want his soon-to-be super star son playing for a loser. Like the San Diego Chargers, who just so happened to hold the first pick.

So Archie instructed Eli’s agent, Tom Condon, to get in touch with the people in San Diego and instruct them to look past Eli on Draft day. Condon followed his client’s father’s wishes and added a tidbit of his own…that Eli would be better suited under center in New York with the Giants.

On draft day Commissioner Tagliabue approached the podium to announce the first pick. When he read Eli’s name the room filled with boos and disbelief. After posing for a few pictures with a Chargers jersey but refusing to put on a Chargers hat, Eli sat down for a press conference where he proceeded to announce that he would not play for San Diego. He decided football was not for him and he was going to pursue a degree in law.

Later that morning, after the New York Giants had selected Phillip Rivers with the fourth overall pick, a trade was announced. Eli was heading to New York after all.

Fast forward two years.

San Diego is the best team in the AFC. Phillip Rivers is at the helm of a passing attack made possible by the running of another ex-San Diego holdout LaDainian Tomlinson. The Chargers are coasting through the AFC with their sights on a trip to the Super Bowl.

And young Eli?

He’s completing his second season as the Giants quarterback. Currently the NYG are .500, third place in the NFC East, losing five of their last six games, and barely holding onto hopes of a wild card. And Mr. Manning’s stats? He’s thrown 6 INT’s and 7 TD’s in his last 8 games, and is making poor decisions that are starting to cost his team games.

After Sunday’s loss to the Eagles in which Eli threw a late interception leading to a Philly TD, coach Tom Coughlin said, “He should have seen it. He's in the shotgun. He has a good chance to see it. I think his attention is drawn off to the left. He doesn't see it. It happens. But you'd like to think he'd hit the hot receiver and maybe make 5 or 6 yards and have it be second down instead of a turnover."

Seems like Coughlin is starting to get frustrated with his quarterback’s play. This is the second time this season he has openly made comments directed at Eli’s inability to get the job done on the field.

With words starting to fly, Coughlin better look out. Archie’s not going to stand for that kind of talk about his son. Stay tuned to the situation in the Meadowlands.

Tuck & Run

2006-12-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

This morning it is being reported that Indian female runner Santhi Soundararajan has failed a GENDER test. Soundararajan, 25, took the Silver Medal in the 800m at the Asian Games in Doha on December 9th, but will likely be stripped of the medal following the results of this test.

I didn’t know there was even such a test. How did it go from doping to trying to hide your sex? And how do these people try and hide it? You can only “tuck” so much, and during a thorough examination, the old MANgina would be unmistakable.

I wonder what tipped off the testing committee. Did they realize something wasn’t right when she went to take the piss test and whipped out a DICK? And better yet, this isn’t the first time this has happened with an Indian athlete. In 1999 a woman on the Indian state football team failed a gender test and was removed.