Happy New Year 'N Shit...

So it’s 2007. Whew. Anther year has come and gone. We’re all one year older, which for most men transitioning from their 20’s into their 30’s (our demographic) means a little fatter, a little balder, a little richer, and more aware of the sporting world. Why more aware you ask? Most of us have been sports fans for years, why at this age are we suddenly more aware?

Simple. During these transitional years, most of us have gotten married, bought a house, and are doing our damnedest to live the American Dream. We have careers now, not JOBS. We own cars with leather seating. We have TV’s that are as big paintings hanging in art museums. We take sophisticated vacations that have a purpose other than getting hammered and having sex in another state. We have started our own families, most consisting of a dog and a wife, some adding a child into the mix.

With everything going on in our lives, we migrate to one staple that the noise provided by all the things mentioned in the above paragraph (and those that chose to leave out) cannot bury. The one thing we’ve all been bonded by since pee-wee baseball and pop-warner football. Sports.

The world of Sports brings us together when we’re kids, awkward little people who would rather pick a dandy lion in right field than pay attention to the game. And we don’t know it at that age, when we’re first thrust into the scene, that the world we’ve joined is more than that of an athlete. But we can see it in our father’s eyes. Their willingness to play catch after a long day at work. Their ability to pull strings and make it to the game. How amazingly proud they are when you catch a fly ball to record the last out or make a tackle at the end of the game. When you step onto the field as a child, you become something more than a player, an athlete, and a fan. You become a man.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself what in the hell is this serious piece doing in a sports blog where the writers are more concerned about Boobs, Beers, and fart jokes, but it all comes full circle. Shit like this is what I think about when a new year begins.

Especially in 2007, when in four short months, I stand to become a Dad. Yup. In +/-146 days I will have a living, breathing creation which proves that all the liquor and illicit substances I’ve poured into my body for the better part of 10 years haven’t affected my swimmers. No siree Bob. My junk works.

Now, with all of that out there for the world to digest, I’d like to make a few (how fucking cliché’ am I) predictions for the year to come. I’ll break it down monthly so all you slow pricks can follow…

January 2007
I’ll get completely hammered on New Year’s Eve. Jagermeister will get the best of me for the last time, after December 31, 2006 I won’t be able to pull that shit. And, per standard custom I will spend Jan 1, 2007 planted firmly on the couch cussing the bastard who forced those shots down my throat.

Bobby Knight will cry in public, proving he’s human.

Norte Dame will WIN a Bowl game. No one will care.

Ohio State will be crowned National Champions after a close win over the Florida Gators. Again, no one will care.

I will turn 29, one short step from 30. Fuck I’m old….

The Chicago Bears will beat Eli Manning and the Giants in the second round of the NFL play offs, only to lose their next game to the Saints.

The Denver Nuggets will be forced to play with 6th Graders from a local Elementary School after their entire team gets suspended following a bench clearing brawl.

Nick Saban takes the Alabama job and the $40M they dangle in his face.

February 2007
I will spend Super Bowl weekend in a drunken haze in Los Vegas. I will watch the Saints lose the Super Bowl to San Diego on a 30’ screen at Caesars Palace. I will report live from Vegas and Rhino will cry in his beer over memories of 2004. And like years past, I will pick a winner that will fail to cover the spread. After the game LaDainian Tomlinson will publicly tell Emmitt Smith to suck his nuts.

Pitchers and catchers will report to spring training. Sammy Sosa will bounce from camp to camp looking for somewhere to catch on. To many GM’s dismay, he shows up looking like Willie Mays Hayes.

Dale Jr. kisses the wall at Daytona and not only lives, but wins. He cries in the winners circle and announces his retirement.

A.I. goes Brian Wilson, locking himself in a room with a stripper, a wolverine, and 10 kilos of blow. He refuses to come out unless his cousin Pookey produces TuPac and Biggie, who a delusional Iverson insists are still alive.

March 2007
Bill Cower announces his retirement, stating he’s moving on to bigger things. He will become a face model for toothpaste commercials.

The NCAA hands Bob Knights Red Raiders an invite to the 2007 tourney even though they’re 3 games over .500. Knight, stunned by the offer, leads his team to the Championship game, which Texas Tech wins.

April 2007
Barry Zito gets hit with a line drive in his debut with the Giants and breaks his elbow. Peter Magowan shits his pants, Barry Bonds laughs.

May 2007
My wife takes one more step closer to 30.

The Memphis Grizzlies get the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft Lottery after finishing the season with only 16 wins.

The Kentucky Derby is won by Barbaro who completes the biggest come back in sporting history.

The world is introduced to my attempt at procreation.

June 2007
The Phoenix Suns win the NBA Championship.

Bret Favre announces his retirement. He sobs like a little girl at the press conference as does the entire state of Wisconsin.

The Buffalo Sabres win the Stanly Cup. No one over the age of 19 and south of International Falls cares.

The Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the MBL Post Season.

July 2007
Tiger Woods’ wife, uber-hottie Elin Nordegren gives birth to a healthy baby boy whom they promptly name Nike.

Bret Favre holds a press conference to announce he’s decided to return to the NFL. His heartburn is driving him nuts while he sits at home in Mississippi, and he knows he can break that TD record. Ends press confrence by shouting "Fuck Marino."

August 2007
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo found dead in a hotel room after choking on his own vomit in his sleep. A fitting end to the life of an EIU Grad.

Pedro returns to the Mets who are 10 games under .500.

September 2007
The NFL announces that all its players are to stay out of any establishment that may be deemed a “Club” after the 17th player is shot this year. Any violation of this rule will result in a permanent ban from football.

The Yankees lose in Toronto on September 11 to the league’s first Saudi pitcher. After the game Jason Giambi kills him with his bare hands, not because of his ethnicity, but because he thought he was Johnny Damon...because EVERYBODY hates Johnny Damon.

October 2007
Vlad Guerrero’s knee finally gives out, just in time for the playoffs.

The NBA attempts to introduce another “new” ball during pre season of the 2007-2008 season. This one is made of latex. All of the players refuse to use it, saying it makes the game feel different.

The Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series. George Steinbrenner drops dead of heart attack upon hearing the news.

MAMQB writer Rudedogg gets hitched and joins the ranks of the happily married suckers around the world.

November 2007
The Dallas Cowboys, with Vinnie Testaverde at QB, win on Thanksgiving. Bill Parcells celebrates by jumping up and down on the sidelines until the crotch in his Mom-Jeans gives out, exposing his front butt on national TV.

Wayne Gretzky comes out of retirement to fund his wife’s gambling habit.

The powers that be at the BCS get their heads out of their asses and announce a ten game playoff to determine the best team in college football.

December 2007
Maurice Clarett is released from jail for good behavior. He voices a desire to come back to the NFL, but is shot dead a week after his release. No one is surprised.

Ohio State, after a dismal season, is given a bid to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl…and lose…to Marshall.