Sunday Night Play Off Report.

What I learned today...

Chicago 27 - Seattle 24

First off, I hit my Parlay. That helps.

Rex Grossman (282 yards, 75.9 Passer Rating, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 Fumble) played good enough to win. He still threw a number of passes behind his receivers. And he still shits his pants when he's under pressure. The coaching staff needs to explain to him that sometimes it's ok to take a sack. But all in all, he played a decent game.




















The Bears Defense steps up to make big plays. While their secondary is shaky (Charles Tilman, I'm talking to you) they answered the bell on numerous occasions and kept their team in the game.

Matt Hasselbeck had a tough game. His offensive line didn't help him all that much. He found himself scraping his ass off the turf early and often.

The Bears have awesome fans....check out this guy...he lives in my town...




















That's a FAN!

Next week the Saints come to town. I've already read morons talking about "Bear Weather" and that the concept Saints won't be able to play in the cold. I hate that thought fucking thought process. Regardless of the goddamn weather, this NFC Championship game is going to be a good one.

New England 24 - San Diego 21

Again, I hit my bet. Two for two on Sunday. Added bonus: Patriots won outright.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are a tough pair to beat when the play offs roll around.

Brady (57.6 Passer Rating, 2 TD's, 3 INT) was shaky. He looked out of rhythm on more than one occasion. But he persevered and they came out on top.

The Pat's Defense is for real.

The league MVP can tackle a man by the face mask and the ref's will pick up the flag.


















Phillip Rivers (55.5 Passer Rating, 0 TD's, 1 INT, 1 Fumble) showed he was a rookie.

A 54 yard field goal is a long ass kick.


















Marty Schottenheimer can't win a play off game to save his ass. If he doesn't lose his job I'll be surprised. Nine Pro Bowlers,League MVP, and home field advantage and they can't advance?

Now the Patriots get to take out Peyton and the Colts. Yes, I said take out. Third time's a charm, right?

Saturday Night Play Off Report

What we learned today...

COLTS 15 - Ravens 6

The Ravens offense sucks. Actually, it can't suck. It's fucking non-existent. Steve McNair needs to retire.

They can't win a field goal race either. With that defense, they shouldn't lose a game. But ya can't win if ya can't score.

The Colt's Defense may not be as bad as we all thought. Granted, they had little to worry about today.

Peyton Manning is as bad in the post season as we all thought. His team won another game, IN SPITE of him.


















Peyton's fore head is growing at an increasingly alarming rate.

So next week we get to see if the Colts can do it again, this time against a team that can score. I picked that prick Manning to lose twice in two weeks and he's proved me wrong both times.

I hate being wrong, but I'm a pig headed gut. I'm going to make the early prediction that the Colts will lose in the AFC Championship game against the Chargers or Patriots.

But for now, we have this moment to remember...or make us sick...















After Saturday's win over the Ravens, Archie Manning
embraced his oldest son and proclaimed, "At least you're
not the fucking failure your little brother is."

I hate you Peyton.

New Orleans - Philly

This game's in progress. I will make a few observations and be back with more tomorrow..

Andy Reid needs to pass a few buffet lines. The guys' pushing maximum density. His Defense came out hitting.

The Saints have too many weapons. They've got to be the clear favorite to come out of the NFC and head to the Super Bowl.

And it's good to see that New Orleans is back to normal after Katrina. Even the young, white, blonde hooker population has returned.

Wonder if Fox will see a fine from the FCC for broadcasting this image? After all, she's got the word FUCK on her shirt. They should be happy she wasn't actually doing said activity in the stands....

More tomorrow..

This Week's Tasty Nuggets

First off, let me apologize to any of you that took my picks in the AFC last weekend to heart. Boy do I suck. 0-2 in the AFC, 2-0 in the NFC and I called that Tony Romo would choke, just didn't think it would be in a fashion that would conjure up the name of Scott Norwood.

Well, lets do our weekly T.O. report. This week Mr I Love Me Some Me fired his publicist. Anyone who saw Ol Leatherface defend him after his botched suicide attempt should not be shocked. She is more of a social cancer than him. I guess T.O. had 20 million reasons to fire her.



























"I can't believe T.O. fired me!"



No Bengals have been arrested this week. This is very noteworthy since this will probably never happen again.


Monday night was the BCS National Championship Game, in which Florida kicked the everloving shit out of Ohio State. This was the third time that Ohio State played the #2 team and the first time they lost. Most experts that I have heard said Florida was better that night but that Ohio State would probably win most of the time against Florida. Guess thats what happens when a team has 50+ days to prepare for a team, which is a big reason why I believe College Football is a joke: NCAA boob Miles Brand (you know, the guy who fired the winningest NCAA coach in history, one Robert Montgomery Knight) says that a playoff system is not possible for academic reasons since the season would be too long. How about in those 50 days you have the playoffs, then the season is not extended at all. Problem solved. And don't try and hide behind academics: We all know that perennial powerhouses such as Florida State, Miami, Ohio State, and Michigan don't make their players actually attend class. See, I should run the NCAA.


Boise State went undefeated after beating Oklahoma in amazing fashion. Feel good story right? Wrong. They ended up ranked 5th in one poll and 6th in the other. In my mind this is bullshit. Now most will argue that if they played say, Florida or Ohio State they would get their ass stomped. I won't argue that would win, since nobody knows because of the lack of a playoff system (God, I sound like a broken record). But let me remind everyone that the people that rank them 5th and 6th despite going undefeated because of their "inferior" conference are also the ones that said they were going to get rolled by Oklahoma.


Nick Saban. Nick Saban may as well change his name to Larry Brown. I don't blame him for taking the money. Plus, he was about as adapt in the NFL as Mike Tyson would be with a Hooked on Phonics kit. I'm not going to bash him for leaving like ESPN marionette Dan LeBa(s)tard did last week while filling in on PTI (his presence made me promptly turn off one of my favorite shows and I still haven't returned. I hate him almost as much as Jay Marriotti and ESPN radio host Eric Kuselius, but thats neither here nor there.) The thing I do have a problem with is that he kept saying there was no way he would take that job, and even after he took the job he said he had no idea he was offered the job until 2 days before he signed. Nick you got caught in a lie so just fess up and say "Hey, I sucked in the NFL, I'm a power whore and can have complete control at Alabama, and I'm getting a shitload of money. Plus I'll be bigger than Christ in this state."


Finally some positive news. Two of the most respectable athletes ever got the ultimate phone call this week. Cal Ripken, who had a blue collar attitude for 17+ years and showed up for work every day, never bitched and most of all never cheated. And how about Tony Gwynn. Batted at least .300 for 19 straight years. Thats sick. Mr. Gwynn, let me speak for all short fat people when I say that you sir are an inspiration to us all. Best of all, Mark McGwire didn't even sniff a Hall of Fame spot, making him the only eligible player with 500 homers not in. Guess the Hall voters didn't want to talk about the past when it came to assessing old Mark's numbers. But, if they vote in Sammy Sosa (not bloody likely that Corky will get in) or Barry Bonds then they are hypocrites.


Time for this week's Mockery Player of The Week. I want to give props to someone who is really getting overshadowed by his older brother this week, Mr. Bill Ripken. Bill, well, Bill sucked. He made history in 1987 when he, along with brother, played in a game, which was managed by their father Cal Sr. This was not his biggest feat though. Bill made national news in 1989, but it was not for his stellar glove at second base. It was for a card printed by Fleer depicting him holding a bat on his shoulder and the words "Fuck Face" on the bottom of the bat.






















Is that Cal's little bro or MAMQB contributor Southside Eddie?

Wild Card Weekend – A Top Five List.

Heading into the Divisional Playoffs, we’ll get to see the four teams who got to sit at home and brush up on their Madden ’07 skills for a week: Chicago, Baltimore, New Orleans, and San Diego. But with a full weekend of NFL mania under our belts I thought it would be nice to revisit the Top Five Highlights of Wild Card Weekend.

5. The Colts Defense Comes Alive.

Dooooo youuuuu feeeeeel liiiiiiiiiike I dooooooooooooo?


Coming into this game I was sure KC running back Larry Johnson was going to run all over the inept Indy D. The numbers suggested the potential for a career day for Johnson. The Colts gave up an average of 173 yards rushing per game during the regular season and everyone knows the Colts choke in the playoffs.

Instead, the unit showed up and held Johnson to 32 yards. And to make things even better KC quarterback looked like Payton’s little brother Eli, throwing for 107 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INT.

All this including bailing out the elder Manning boy, who threw as many completions (2) to KC DB Ty Law as he did to his favorite WR Marvin Harrison.

4. Brady & Belichick Lay The Smack Down on Man-gina

Bill Belichick won three Super bowls (you’d think with 3 Super Bowl rings in his trophy case Belichick could afford a hooded sweatshirt with SLEEVES?) with Eric Mangini at his side as Defensive Cordinator. Eventually Mangini decided to give the whole head coaching thing a shot and took a job with the Jets. Little did he know the first play off opponent he’d face would be his old boss.


Sunday afternoon the Patriots held a football clinic, showing the rookie coach Man-gina and his New York Jets how to play the game like winners. Tom Brady’s play was solid, he was in his typical play off form making few bad decisions and managing the clock on long scoring drives.

Belichick even got in a ‘fuck you’ by sending in ex-Jet Vinny Testaverde to take a knee on the final play.

3. Koy Detmer Proves he Should be at the Pro Bowl.

With seconds left on the clock and the game on the line, Philadelphia kicker David Akers trotted onto the field. The 38 yard field goal he was about to kick would break the tied score and give the Eagles the win. All he needed was a snap, a good hold, and he’d do the rest. Sounds easy, right?

Last week the Eagles asigned long time backup QB Koy Detmer the specific duty of holder. But as Koy took a knee and readied for the snap, there had to be visions of another very similar play just a day earlier. The camera angle was just good enought to see him repeating what looked like 'Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up.'

Fortunately for the Eagles, the snap was good, the hold was dead nuts, and Akers won the game with no time on the clock.

2. Eli Eliminated in the First Round.

I don’t know why but I love it when this kid loses. Maybe because he’s been nothing but a whiny bitch from the minute he got into the NFL? Yeah, I think that’s it. For that very reason I love to see him fail. It’s only fitting when someone of his character becomes labeled a bust. Yup, I said it…a BUST. Seeing him fall flat on his face almost gives me wood.

And is it me or does he look like he's about to break into tears when he fucks up on the field?

I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Archie for that shot, but I’ll be happy to tell him to suck my yamsack too.

1. The Demise of Romo.

A week after Kerry Underwood went into hiding and reportedly filed legal papers to change her name the Yoko Romo, poor Tony’s star has fallen. After replacing Drew Bledsoe as the Tuna’s field commander in Cowboy land, Romo became an instant success. He was embraced by America. Kid from a small school gets his shot in the NFL and shows he deserves to be there. In his first taste of regular action, he lead his team to the play offs for. We were graced with the second coming of Joe Montana.

But late in the forth quarter of their wild card match up with the Seattle Seahawks, disaster struck. With 1:19 on the clock, trailing 20-21, Cowboys kicker MartinGramatica took the field for a routine 19 yard field goal. He paced off his approach and nodded to Romo for the snap. In the blink of an eye things went from good to oh fuck. Romo bobbled the snap, tried to put it down, picked it back up, and scurried off toward the end zone. In a sad ending, he was brought down two yards shy of pay dirt and ONE yard short of the first down marker.

Dallas went on to lose the game. Romo went on to cry in the locker room.

Help a Brotha Out...

Ok, check it out. Since you love us like a fat kid loves Ho-Ho’s, we gotta come to you for a favor. We’re asking for our reader’s assistance, that you guys who look at this page and say, “Fuck me. These guys are out of their goddamn fucking minds. But I like it,” to tell the world we exist.

Just a few points to hit on before you stop reading this and say “fuck these pricks.”

1. We do this for you. Yup. We write this shit to make you people laugh. There’s no point in doing this if no one’s reading. And according to the stats we see, we’re getting some recognition. And it appears it’s not only our other fucked up friends reading, we’re getting hits around the world.

2. We’re not getting rich from this. Shit, we’re actually risking our careers by using company internet service, not to mention company time, posting these verbal assaults to try and get a rise out of you guys.

3. The world’s full of Blogs. Any jagoff with a keyboard, a mouse, and a dial tone can send his thoughts, feelings, and overlooked concerns out into cyberspace for any other shitprick to read. But WE take this shit seriously and try to keep our content fresh, funny, current, and most of all, witty.

So what are we looking for you to do? Why am I coming to you, Joe Reader, on my hands and knees like a crack whore? Well, it’s time for the 2007 BLOGGIES. Nominations are being accepted until TOMORROW, January 10, 2007.

YES, WE’RE RUNNING A BIT FUCKING LATE. But I want to make one huge 26 hour push and see if we can’t make this happen.

Here’s the skinny:

From now until 10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5) on Wednesday, January 10, 2005, anyone can nominate their favorite weblogs.

That Saturday, January 13, three panels of 50 voters will receive an e-mail. It will list the weblogs that have receieved the most nominations in ten categories. They will have until 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, January 18 to privately submit their five favorites (six for Weblog of the Year) for each category. The five (or six for Weblog of the Year) receiving the most votes will become finalists. I (Nikolai Nolan) will only vote for the panel in the case of a tie for fifth place. This panel is on an opt-in policy; there is a checkbox on this form for it.

On Monday, January 22, the finalists will be announced and voting will be open again to choose the winners.

So what it boils down to is this: If you’ve got 2 minutes to fuck off and fill this out, do it for us, will ya? We're going to make the big push.

VOTE HERE!

As always, thanks for reading. Tell a friend about The Monday AM QB!