This Week's Tasty Nuggets

First off, let me apologize to any of you that took my picks in the AFC last weekend to heart. Boy do I suck. 0-2 in the AFC, 2-0 in the NFC and I called that Tony Romo would choke, just didn't think it would be in a fashion that would conjure up the name of Scott Norwood.

Well, lets do our weekly T.O. report. This week Mr I Love Me Some Me fired his publicist. Anyone who saw Ol Leatherface defend him after his botched suicide attempt should not be shocked. She is more of a social cancer than him. I guess T.O. had 20 million reasons to fire her.



























"I can't believe T.O. fired me!"



No Bengals have been arrested this week. This is very noteworthy since this will probably never happen again.


Monday night was the BCS National Championship Game, in which Florida kicked the everloving shit out of Ohio State. This was the third time that Ohio State played the #2 team and the first time they lost. Most experts that I have heard said Florida was better that night but that Ohio State would probably win most of the time against Florida. Guess thats what happens when a team has 50+ days to prepare for a team, which is a big reason why I believe College Football is a joke: NCAA boob Miles Brand (you know, the guy who fired the winningest NCAA coach in history, one Robert Montgomery Knight) says that a playoff system is not possible for academic reasons since the season would be too long. How about in those 50 days you have the playoffs, then the season is not extended at all. Problem solved. And don't try and hide behind academics: We all know that perennial powerhouses such as Florida State, Miami, Ohio State, and Michigan don't make their players actually attend class. See, I should run the NCAA.


Boise State went undefeated after beating Oklahoma in amazing fashion. Feel good story right? Wrong. They ended up ranked 5th in one poll and 6th in the other. In my mind this is bullshit. Now most will argue that if they played say, Florida or Ohio State they would get their ass stomped. I won't argue that would win, since nobody knows because of the lack of a playoff system (God, I sound like a broken record). But let me remind everyone that the people that rank them 5th and 6th despite going undefeated because of their "inferior" conference are also the ones that said they were going to get rolled by Oklahoma.


Nick Saban. Nick Saban may as well change his name to Larry Brown. I don't blame him for taking the money. Plus, he was about as adapt in the NFL as Mike Tyson would be with a Hooked on Phonics kit. I'm not going to bash him for leaving like ESPN marionette Dan LeBa(s)tard did last week while filling in on PTI (his presence made me promptly turn off one of my favorite shows and I still haven't returned. I hate him almost as much as Jay Marriotti and ESPN radio host Eric Kuselius, but thats neither here nor there.) The thing I do have a problem with is that he kept saying there was no way he would take that job, and even after he took the job he said he had no idea he was offered the job until 2 days before he signed. Nick you got caught in a lie so just fess up and say "Hey, I sucked in the NFL, I'm a power whore and can have complete control at Alabama, and I'm getting a shitload of money. Plus I'll be bigger than Christ in this state."


Finally some positive news. Two of the most respectable athletes ever got the ultimate phone call this week. Cal Ripken, who had a blue collar attitude for 17+ years and showed up for work every day, never bitched and most of all never cheated. And how about Tony Gwynn. Batted at least .300 for 19 straight years. Thats sick. Mr. Gwynn, let me speak for all short fat people when I say that you sir are an inspiration to us all. Best of all, Mark McGwire didn't even sniff a Hall of Fame spot, making him the only eligible player with 500 homers not in. Guess the Hall voters didn't want to talk about the past when it came to assessing old Mark's numbers. But, if they vote in Sammy Sosa (not bloody likely that Corky will get in) or Barry Bonds then they are hypocrites.


Time for this week's Mockery Player of The Week. I want to give props to someone who is really getting overshadowed by his older brother this week, Mr. Bill Ripken. Bill, well, Bill sucked. He made history in 1987 when he, along with brother, played in a game, which was managed by their father Cal Sr. This was not his biggest feat though. Bill made national news in 1989, but it was not for his stellar glove at second base. It was for a card printed by Fleer depicting him holding a bat on his shoulder and the words "Fuck Face" on the bottom of the bat.






















Is that Cal's little bro or MAMQB contributor Southside Eddie?

Wild Card Weekend – A Top Five List.

Heading into the Divisional Playoffs, we’ll get to see the four teams who got to sit at home and brush up on their Madden ’07 skills for a week: Chicago, Baltimore, New Orleans, and San Diego. But with a full weekend of NFL mania under our belts I thought it would be nice to revisit the Top Five Highlights of Wild Card Weekend.

5. The Colts Defense Comes Alive.

Dooooo youuuuu feeeeeel liiiiiiiiiike I dooooooooooooo?


Coming into this game I was sure KC running back Larry Johnson was going to run all over the inept Indy D. The numbers suggested the potential for a career day for Johnson. The Colts gave up an average of 173 yards rushing per game during the regular season and everyone knows the Colts choke in the playoffs.

Instead, the unit showed up and held Johnson to 32 yards. And to make things even better KC quarterback looked like Payton’s little brother Eli, throwing for 107 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INT.

All this including bailing out the elder Manning boy, who threw as many completions (2) to KC DB Ty Law as he did to his favorite WR Marvin Harrison.

4. Brady & Belichick Lay The Smack Down on Man-gina

Bill Belichick won three Super bowls (you’d think with 3 Super Bowl rings in his trophy case Belichick could afford a hooded sweatshirt with SLEEVES?) with Eric Mangini at his side as Defensive Cordinator. Eventually Mangini decided to give the whole head coaching thing a shot and took a job with the Jets. Little did he know the first play off opponent he’d face would be his old boss.


Sunday afternoon the Patriots held a football clinic, showing the rookie coach Man-gina and his New York Jets how to play the game like winners. Tom Brady’s play was solid, he was in his typical play off form making few bad decisions and managing the clock on long scoring drives.

Belichick even got in a ‘fuck you’ by sending in ex-Jet Vinny Testaverde to take a knee on the final play.

3. Koy Detmer Proves he Should be at the Pro Bowl.

With seconds left on the clock and the game on the line, Philadelphia kicker David Akers trotted onto the field. The 38 yard field goal he was about to kick would break the tied score and give the Eagles the win. All he needed was a snap, a good hold, and he’d do the rest. Sounds easy, right?

Last week the Eagles asigned long time backup QB Koy Detmer the specific duty of holder. But as Koy took a knee and readied for the snap, there had to be visions of another very similar play just a day earlier. The camera angle was just good enought to see him repeating what looked like 'Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up.'

Fortunately for the Eagles, the snap was good, the hold was dead nuts, and Akers won the game with no time on the clock.

2. Eli Eliminated in the First Round.

I don’t know why but I love it when this kid loses. Maybe because he’s been nothing but a whiny bitch from the minute he got into the NFL? Yeah, I think that’s it. For that very reason I love to see him fail. It’s only fitting when someone of his character becomes labeled a bust. Yup, I said it…a BUST. Seeing him fall flat on his face almost gives me wood.

And is it me or does he look like he's about to break into tears when he fucks up on the field?

I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Archie for that shot, but I’ll be happy to tell him to suck my yamsack too.

1. The Demise of Romo.

A week after Kerry Underwood went into hiding and reportedly filed legal papers to change her name the Yoko Romo, poor Tony’s star has fallen. After replacing Drew Bledsoe as the Tuna’s field commander in Cowboy land, Romo became an instant success. He was embraced by America. Kid from a small school gets his shot in the NFL and shows he deserves to be there. In his first taste of regular action, he lead his team to the play offs for. We were graced with the second coming of Joe Montana.

But late in the forth quarter of their wild card match up with the Seattle Seahawks, disaster struck. With 1:19 on the clock, trailing 20-21, Cowboys kicker MartinGramatica took the field for a routine 19 yard field goal. He paced off his approach and nodded to Romo for the snap. In the blink of an eye things went from good to oh fuck. Romo bobbled the snap, tried to put it down, picked it back up, and scurried off toward the end zone. In a sad ending, he was brought down two yards shy of pay dirt and ONE yard short of the first down marker.

Dallas went on to lose the game. Romo went on to cry in the locker room.

Help a Brotha Out...

Ok, check it out. Since you love us like a fat kid loves Ho-Ho’s, we gotta come to you for a favor. We’re asking for our reader’s assistance, that you guys who look at this page and say, “Fuck me. These guys are out of their goddamn fucking minds. But I like it,” to tell the world we exist.

Just a few points to hit on before you stop reading this and say “fuck these pricks.”

1. We do this for you. Yup. We write this shit to make you people laugh. There’s no point in doing this if no one’s reading. And according to the stats we see, we’re getting some recognition. And it appears it’s not only our other fucked up friends reading, we’re getting hits around the world.

2. We’re not getting rich from this. Shit, we’re actually risking our careers by using company internet service, not to mention company time, posting these verbal assaults to try and get a rise out of you guys.

3. The world’s full of Blogs. Any jagoff with a keyboard, a mouse, and a dial tone can send his thoughts, feelings, and overlooked concerns out into cyberspace for any other shitprick to read. But WE take this shit seriously and try to keep our content fresh, funny, current, and most of all, witty.

So what are we looking for you to do? Why am I coming to you, Joe Reader, on my hands and knees like a crack whore? Well, it’s time for the 2007 BLOGGIES. Nominations are being accepted until TOMORROW, January 10, 2007.

YES, WE’RE RUNNING A BIT FUCKING LATE. But I want to make one huge 26 hour push and see if we can’t make this happen.

Here’s the skinny:

From now until 10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5) on Wednesday, January 10, 2005, anyone can nominate their favorite weblogs.

That Saturday, January 13, three panels of 50 voters will receive an e-mail. It will list the weblogs that have receieved the most nominations in ten categories. They will have until 10:00 PM EST on Thursday, January 18 to privately submit their five favorites (six for Weblog of the Year) for each category. The five (or six for Weblog of the Year) receiving the most votes will become finalists. I (Nikolai Nolan) will only vote for the panel in the case of a tie for fifth place. This panel is on an opt-in policy; there is a checkbox on this form for it.

On Monday, January 22, the finalists will be announced and voting will be open again to choose the winners.

So what it boils down to is this: If you’ve got 2 minutes to fuck off and fill this out, do it for us, will ya? We're going to make the big push.

VOTE HERE!

As always, thanks for reading. Tell a friend about The Monday AM QB!

NFL Playoffs 2007 – ROUND TWO – A Guide to Getting Paid

"It can be argued that man's instinct to gamble is the only reason he is still not a monkey up in the trees." -Mario Puzo



















I think I should change the title. After my Wild Card Weekend Picks, I’m not even sure I’m qualified to be writing another piece about NFL Wagering. After last week’s shellacking, here’s where I stand with the “hypothetical” $1,000 bank roll I started with.

$200 Kansas City +7 RESULT -$220
$100 Seattle -2 RESULT -$110
$200 Patriots -9 RESULT +$200
$100 Eagles -6.5 RESULT -$110

As you can see, I went 1 for 4 in the first weekend. As it stands, if these were “real” wagers, I’d be down $240 right now, or roughly 25% of my starting stake. That, boys and girls, is why we don’t gamble. Got it…gambling is BAD.

But just in case you're interseted, here's what I’m looking at this weekend:

Seattle @ Chicago (LINE: Chicago -8.5 o/u 37)

We all know about the Bears. Dennis Green “crowned their asses.” Rex Grossman (3,193yds, 23 TD, 20 INTS) started off like an MVP Candidate and then quickly fizzled out. His play has been a rollercoaster this season (He had a handful of games with a QB rating over 100. AND a couple in which he managed to post a goose egg. Yup, a QB rating of ZERO.) and the well pub’d Bear’s Defense has quickly become porous, giving up 300 yards of total offense to power houses in Tampa, Detroit, and Green Bay. The #1 seed in the WEAKER conference has many unanswered questions.

In the same breath, Seattle didn’t beat on Romo’s Cowboys the way I had expected. Hell, if Romo wouldn't have mistaken the football for a LaBamba's Burrito, Seattle most likely would be sitting at home this week. But these 'Hawks are an improved team compared to the Seahawks that the Bears beat 37-6 in the fourth game of the season.

Had this spread not been -8.5, it would have been a tough one to pick. The actual WINNER still is a tough call, depending on which Grossman shows up to the game. But we could give two shits about who wins the game. We’re interested in WHO COVERS. After all, Money makes the world go ‘round. Seattle covers the 8.5, but I’m not going to try and pick a winner in this one, too many variables.
Parlay Special!
SEATTLE +8.5, OVER 37

Indy @ Baltimore (LINE: Baltimore -4 o/u 41)

The Ravens are simply too good. Yes, the Colts stepped up and shut down Larry Johnson last week. They looked like a team who found their defense. But what happened to Payton Manning? Three interceptions and only one TD? If the Chiefs could have mustered any sign of offence, the Colts would be making Tee times this weekend.

I hate to do it again, but we all know Payton Manning folds under pressure. Add to that being on the road, and this one’s in the bag.
BALTIMORE -4

Philly @ New Orleans (LINE: Saints -6 o/u 48)

This one’s a tough one to call, straight up anyways. Philly’s won six straight heading into this game. They seem to be a force to be reckoned with in the NFC. And all of this takes place AFTER Donovan McNabb goes down? Suspect. The Eagles are coming off a first round win over the NY Giants.

The Saints have been an offensive force all season. QB Drew Brees has thrown for 4,818 yds, 26TD and 13 INTS. They had a buy in the first round so have been sitting idle since their regular season finale, a loss to Carolina. (Don’t panic about the loss. The Saints couldn’t improve their playoff situation and benched many starters before half time.)

DIFFRENCE MAKER: Eagles Pro Bowl CB Lito Sheppard will miss this game with a dislocated elbow.
Parlay Special! Remember, we’re down $240 from week one. Only way to make it back: CHASE THE LOSS!!!
SAINTS -6, OVER 48

New England @ San Diego (LINE: Chargers-4.5 o/u 46.5)

I’d love to pick the Tom & Bill show again this week. After the ass raping they posted on their old buddy Mangina by kicking the living shit out of the Goddamn Jets, I’d love to keep riding them into the sunset. They have every last facet of the game down. There’s no reason they shouldn’t win every game in the playoffs. It’s just what they do.

But they’re playing San Diego and LT. In his house.

There’s not much to say about San Diego. They haven’t lost a football game since Week 7. They’ve been playing just about as good as any team can play. Tomlinson is running like a well oiled machine. Their defense is mauling people. What’s not to like about the Chargers?

A ROOKIE Quarterback. Even better, a rookie QB who sprained a foot in on December 31st. If the Pat’s D can get at Rivers and knock him out of this game, things may get interesting. That said…

PATRIOTS +4.5

Beginning Poker Tips

So you've caught the poker bug, huh? People all over the world have, and with limitations being placed on online gambling sites, more and more people are leaning toward regular home games to fulfill their Texas Hold 'Em fix. The problem is, not many people know the basic tenets of Texas Hold' Em strategy. In this article, we'll cover some of the more common mistakes new players make, and provide some fundamental tips that will help you from ending up on the rail long before you finish in the money.


Common Poker Mistake #1 - Cards down, boot up.

Novice players are easy to spot. Just look for the dum-dums calling bets off to the river and getting nickel-and-dimed into bankruptcy. I love seeing those guys at the table...they may as well be putting their money right into my pocket. Those with little experience play medium and weak hands WAY too liberally, and even if they have decent cards they either overbet or slowplay to the river. Do yourself a favor...log on to a free poker Website and play one hundred hands. Keep a tally of how many times you take down a pot and divide that into 100. In your next 100 hands, only play these starting hands: AA, AK, AQ, AJ, A10, KK, KQ, KJ, K10, QQ, QJ, Q10, JJ, J10 and 10/10. Keep a tally of how many times you take down a pot and divide that into 100. Chances are, you'll be winning about four times as often simply using these 15 major starting hands. Of course, more experienced players can play any cards depending on the circumstances, but I'm pretty sure the headline reads "Beginning Poker Tips," not "Doyle Brunson's Super System."

Common Poker Mistake #2 - The Rookie Bluff

So you've seen a cool movie where a level-headed protagonist outdoes an evil-doer card-shark at the felt and thought, "I wanna do that!" Hell, we all have put ourselves in that position. But ask yourself one question before you go all in on your unsuited numbers...do you actually know when to bluff? There are a few dozen situations in poker when more experienced players will rely on the bluff to swing the momentum their way, and an equal amount of bluffing techniques that players can use in particularly tough spots. If you don't understand why it's a bad play to bluff someone on a short stack with four people calling to the river while you're out of position, then don't pretend to know how to make that bluff and get caught pushing in like a fish.

Common Poker Mistake #3 - Playing Weak Hands in Early Position

I just mentioned player position above, and here's what I mean. Let's say you're in a game with eight other players, and you're first to bet before the flop with As 7h. You think your ace might be good, but aren't sure, so you call the blinds and reraise twice the size of the pot. Immediately, the odds are stacked against you. There are now seven players following you who know your hand is weak because of your half-hearted attempt at staying in the pot. Anyone with a medium pair, suited connectors or a stay-card and high kicker would be quick to reraise you. Even if your Ace is still high, that unsuited seven kicker won't look too hot anymore if two people call you to the flop and there's a reraise on the board -- and since you've just been scared off by the heavy action, you've given up your raise -- the equivalent of a big and small blind later on. Players in early position must play tighter. Only when when you have late position can you afford to play weaker hands because you've then gathered information from all the other player's actions.

Common Poker Mistake #4 - Not Knowing Pot Odds or Catch Percentages (i.e. Welcome to math class, dunderhead)

Need help to make your hand? How much help? Knowing the pot odds will help you get out of risky draws, allowing you to keep your chip stack safe until you own the nuts later on.
With the small blind at $10, and your $20 reraise on the button met by the small and big blinds, there's $120 in the pot and you have Kc 10c in the hole. The board kicks out Jc Ad 3c. You've already got four cards to the flush and four to the straight. Since there are 4 clubs out, the 9 clubs in the deck can help you make your flush. In addition, four queens are available that can help you make your straight. Since one of the four Queens has already been counted in your outs for the flush, there are 12 cards in the deck that can help you make your hand. And remember, since your opponents cards are unknown, they don't detract from your chances of pulling one of those 12 cards on the flop or river. Since you have two cards in your hand, and there are three upcards on the table, 5 cards (whose values are all known) can be mathematically eliminated from the deck. So, from a 52-card deck, you know the value of 5 cards. (52-5=47). That means you have 12 out of 47 chances to make your hand (roughly 25%). If the next raise is equal to or less than 25% of the total pot after people bet in ($120 pot + $20 bets from each blind before you = $160 -- less the $40 you've put in already before you match the new raise (=$120) --; your $20 call makes your pot odds 1:6. Would you be willing to make six times your $20 call 25% of the time? Statistically, you will earn six times the amount of your call by winning the hand 1 out of every 4 plays...and that's great for your wallet.

Reasoning: Let's say you lose the hand 75% of the time, or 3 out of 4 times. That means you lost $60 calling that $20 bet three times. Now the statistical fourth time comes your way. You make the $20 call and -- assuming no one bets again on the flop or river to make the math easier -- you've just won a $180 pot (less the $60 you've contributed) giving you a $120 profit (six times the amount of your $20 "investment." So over the course of four hands, you're ahead $60. That's pot odds.

Pot odds can help you decide if you should call to see the next card on the board. It's hard to grasp at first, but the more you play, the quicker the math will come, and the fatter your wallet will get. Remember, the best players are the ones that don't get too attached to a hand, and can lay their cards down if the situation is unfavorable. You can't lose money you don't bet.

These are just some basic tips from a casual weekend player to help your game and to separate you from the monkeys. Good luck, and check for more installments of poker advice in the future.