The "Don't Bet on This" Playoff Preview

Ahhh the NFL Playoffs. I love it! Enough of the political tomfoolery that is known as the BCS, time for some real football! I know that Big Willie already posted his first round predictions while playing the spread but I'd like to do mine March Madness style and pick my winners all the way through right now. And, since I am sure to be wrong on most of these (although if I am right you will hear me gloat) I will not play the spread since I don't like to gamble on football that much. So, here we go:

DALLAS COWBOYS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

First off let me state how pitiful the NFC is. That fact cannot be overstated. Seattle has quietly come into the playoffs, while RomoMania has cooled off in the last few weeks (let me go on record as saying that I personally believe Romo had a few good weeks that made his head big but now its time to come back to earth and play like the no-name QB he really is but like I said, 99.9% of my predictions are usually wrong). Bill Parcells, FUPA and all, has lost control. Its not his fault. The blame is solely on owner Jerry Jones. He basically forced Parcells to have T.O. and lets face it, nobody can control his pompous ass. But I digress. Seattle is finally back at full strength and they are playing at home. I'm taking Seattle in a blowout.


NEW YORK GIANTS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Gotta hand it to Andy Reid, he's a hell of a coach. Just a month and a half ago everyone was saying the Giants were the team in the NFC. Then it was Dallas. Well, the Eagles emerged from that division the victors, winning 5 straight and rolling into the playoffs with momentum, and they did it without their star QB. On the other hand, the Giants have looked just awful. Their lone bright spot has been Tiki Barber. Eli Manning (a major pussy) has been getting bashed in the media, and rightfully so. I am actually surprised Daddy hasn't come to his defense and demand the newspapers quit picking on his baby. Well, once again Barber will be the lone bright spot (maybe some Brandon Jacobs action too, since him and I are alumni of the same school), Eli Manning will suck hippo cock, Shockey will blame the coaching staff, Coughlin will blame Eli, Strahan will blame Plaxico, Plaxico will say "I don't give a shit what that gap-toothed fat fuck thinks, now let me smoke this spliff in peace", Pappa Manning will defend Eli, Coughlin will choke Pappa Manning ala Latrell Sprewell, the Giants will lose and Coughlin will get fired.

















"Stop picking on my baby boy! He's very
sensitive! You're hurting his feelings!"


NEW YORK JETS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Bill Belichick feels he was betrayed by Eric Mangini and feels Mangini is being a baby. Belichick has actually acted like a baby after a regular season loss to the Jets. Conventional wisdom would say Brady + Belichick + home field + playing the goddamn Jets = easy New England victory. I say otherwise. Now, this is mostly on sheer gut feeling, but I think the Jets will be the surprise team of the playoffs. The major X factor here is Belichick's cockyness. He had won so many times with interchangeable parts that he told Dieon Branch, New England's only real receiver, to get the fuck outta town. Mangini has proven he can coach, and I think he will have a defensive scheme that will contain Brady. If the Jets can stop Lawrence Maroney, which is no easy task, they will squeak by the Pats. Now let the barrage of emails calling me a complete moron begin. I won't blame you.


KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

This may be the easiest game to predict. The Colts have no defense. The Chiefs have a helluva offensive weapon in Larry Johnson (by the way, just to show you I do admit when I am wrong, I predicted that the Chiefs would have O Line problems this year and LJ would be a flop. Boy do I have egg on my face!). The Colts window of opportunity has officially shut. Plus, Peyton Manning has proven time and time again that when it comes to the postseason he is useless (I hope Pappa Manning doesn't demand I take that statement back). I'm taking the Chiefs in a landslide.


This all brings us to the Division Round:

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Let me say that although Nick Saban is getting bashed for taking Duante Culpepper instead of Drew Brees, lets be real. Both QBs were injured last year and it was a crap shoot. That all being said, Brees is a stud. Personally, I think he should have won the MVP, or at least Co-MVP (I'm sure I will get another barrage of emails but let me say that LT is my favorite current player in the NFL and the above statement is not taking anything away from him, I just feel the Saints would be a 4 win team without Brees, whereas the Chargers would be above .500 without LT). This game is where the Eagles run out of gas. The Saints offense is too potent, especially at home on turf. Saints in a barn burner.


SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT CHICAGO BEARS

Da Bearss! Da Bearss!! Polish Sausage, Ditka, Bearss.....Enough of my dreaming. This is definitely the hardest game for me to predict. Good Rex = Bears Blowout, Bad Rex = Bears loss. Which one will show up? And what about that banged up defense? And have we seen enough of the Seahawks at full strength this year to fairly assess them? ARRGH!!! Well, I'm a lifelong Bears fan, so I'm pretty accustomed to disappointment. God, I really hope I am wrong on this one, but I'm predicting Bad Rex comes to play and brings his 1.3 or lower passer rating with him and sends the Seahawks to victory.


NEW YORK JETS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS

The Ravens are another one of those teams nobody talks about. Their defense is stellar as usual, and their offense is improved thanks to them actually having a QB for once. That's about all the commentary I have on them. Brian Billick thinks he is a genius, Eric Mangini could be a genius. Gut feeling here again, I'm taking the Jets in an upset.


KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

San Diego Chargers, featuring league MVP LT. Kansas City Chiefs featuring the game's second best RB LT. Wow. What a game this will be. San Diego is the toast of the NFL. The Chiefs defense is improved this year, but they are not as good as the Chargers' defense. LT will have 5 TDs and the Chargers will roll to victory.


Now for the Conference Championships:

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Once again, who the hell knows what we will see from Seattle. The potent Saints offense will once again be at home on turf, but Shaun Alexander will also benefit from playing on turf, and Seattle also has a good defense. The Saints have virtually no defense. I'm going with big game coaching experience on this one and giving the nod to Mike Holmgren and the Seahawks. Repeat NFC Champs.


NEW YORK JETS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

It's time for Schottenheimer to finally make it to the big game. Mangini may be a genius, but this Jets team just doesn't have the manpower to stop the Chargers. San Diego in the Super Bowl.


Finally, The Super Bowl

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VERSUS SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

This is the match up of the last two MVPs. Seattle will once again fall one victory shy of the promised land. With no John Elway standing in his way, Marty Scottenheimer will finally win the big one and be the feel good story of the year. San Diego Chargers: Super Bowl XLI Champs.