Post-Sugar Bowl Hysteria from a madman...

One of my favorite jokes of all time:

What do Notre Dame and weed have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.

Once again, the lepre-cons has proven why America is beginning to smell the stink the Fighting Irish have left on their attempts at BCS glory. The gold-helmeted dunderheads have lost nine straight bowl appearances, leaving the Irish faithful to wonder how they would have fared had Lou Holtz stayed in South Bend offering his mushmouthed motivational meanderings in the postseason.

Truth is, Notre Dame has been a mid-major program for the last decade. You can’t cushion an already weak season schedule consisting of wins against North Carolina, Stanford and Purdue with three wins against military teams and declare yourself the media baby and a national title contender…can you?

That’s a question for Boise State head coach Chris Peterson to consider as he confronts the media about how the still-undefeated Broncos would fare in the championship game against Ohio State. Would they have a chance? Probably not…but those making the case are raising some serious questions about conference discrepancies, media bias, and team talent.

When we say that a 13-0 Boise State team can’t hang with a 12-0 Ohio State team, each of us relies on a set of variables to make that decision. How strong were their conference and non-conference schedules? What were the margins for victories or losses? How did they do at home compared to away games? How do their offensive and defensive schemes compare? Mathematically, things get tricky when assessing all of these variables. Now, plug those exponential possibilities into a variable we can’t account for – the insensibility of human opinion – and what do you have?

That’s right! The BCS!

I’m no mathematician, but I can calculate that discrepancies occur when humans are involved. The term media bias is an oxymoron…the media, as an independent entity, gives no shits. The people driving the media do. Until there’s a way to break the human sway on these issues, everything will still look muddled.

Let’s imagine for a moment what the BCS would be like if part of its outcome was not based upon human biases. Bye-bye Harris Poll…so long Coach’s Poll…good riddance AP poll. All we’d have left is factually-generated computer analysis, and finally a more accurate idea of how two teams would match up in a BCS Bowl, right?

Perhaps it would, but weigh that against this little nugget of conspiracy from the bcsfootball.org Web site:

“The conference commissioners and the Notre Dame athletics director make decisions regarding all BCS issues, in consultation with an athletics directors advisory group and subject to the approval of a presidential oversight committee whose members represent all 117 Division 1-A programs.”

So here we’ve come full-circle. In our attempt to limit Notre Dame’s impact on post-seasonal positioning, we’ve discovered that with no non-BCS Bowl tie-ins, the Irish are seemingly guaranteed a spot in the BCS if their record trickles over the .500 mark.

So here’s what I say, Notre Dame…

1. Quit hiding behind the fact that you help out the service academies by playing them every year. You and your fans must only use one hand to pat yourselves on the back every year since you all need the other to collectively swat away the notion that Notre Dame isn’t as good as they think they are…AGAIN.

2. Quit hiding behind your storied program history. Princeton, Yale, Dartmouth, and Army won national championships in the past too…but they’re smart enough to know their place now.

This dominating 1884 Yale squad
went 8-0-1 -- with only 16 players.
Chris Gamble, eat your heart out!
All these guys played both sides
of the ball!


Finally, getting back to the BCS nonsense…let’s say Florida beats OSU for the national title.

Florida lost to Auburn, who lost to Georgia, who lost to Vanderbilt, who lost to Old Miss, who lost to Missouri, who lost to Oregon State…

…but Oregon State beat then #3 USC, who went on to trample former #2 Michigan in the Rose Bowl.

I can see the Gameday tagline next year:

“College football: More senseless than Bush’s propaganda!”

I need a drink.