The Chump on the Bump

A story inspired by Dr. Seuss (and Jim Hendry)

Jeff played a sport,
In fact, he played two…
In one sport he caught,
In the other, he threw.

He liked each sport a lot,
But at the end of the day
He had to make up his mind
About which sport to play.

“One sport can fill egos
--that’s football, no doubt,
But baseball can fill up
My savings account.

“In one I’d feel worried…
Due to franchise bad luck,
But I don’t think I’d feel
Like I was hit by a truck.

“In one I’d feel good
Because the loyalty’s sacred…
In the other, a lack of
Performance means hatred.

“In one, I’d be running
From men, big and burly…
In the other, I’m certain
My season ends early!

“In one, if we win,
I could play in a bowl…
But in one, if we lose,
I'd still make payroll!”

With each talking point
Jeff’s mind kept on turning
He worried less about football
And more about earning.

With his future decided,
Jeff went to the media…
“Baseball it is!
Sorry football, be seein’ ya!

“I had a great time
As an ND receiver,
But as a potential Cubs starter
I’ll wind up a reliever,

“My checks will be huge
While I’m on the DL,
So be damned, NFL,
-- Goodell, go to hell!

“I’ll get Tommy John surgery
And recoup through ‘09
…Cubs fans will miss me so much
They’ll build me a shrine!

“With increased adulation
Having no stats to back it--
I can return with no skills
And blame Cubby ‘black magic’!

“Thank God for the Goat!
Give thanks to Steve Barton!
For every bad outing–
An excuse by the carton!

“I’ll have money and women,
My life will be sweet!
And all I need to lose
Is my will to compete!”

Accountability’s lost
While the GM's dropping pennies
The fans remain pissed…
But Jeff swears by Jim Hendry!

So the Chump on the Bump
Will give up football this spring
And also his chance
For a Super Bowl ring.

Yep, Jeff will play baseball
…but we all know the truth—
If we got offers from Hendry
We’d all wear Cubby Blue.

Perhaps things would change
If we had Kenny Williams
A GM who makes moves
And still saves his club millions

But this is the story
of Jeff, and the reasons
For the Cubs’ fan main chorus--
“There’s always next season!”

Thank God for the Bears.

-Rhino (the disgruntled Cubs fan)