Prior, Wood, and Lilly: The trifecta of degeneration

About the only thing Mark Prior
and Kerry Wood can do with a baseball
anymore is sign it.


Mark Prior, time to put on your big boy pants. The days of being diapered by a sullen group of Cubs starters are over. Kerry Wood can’t mentor you from the Wrigley “bullpen”...even though the 70 feet of unprotected grass along the outfield stripes is certainly within yelling distance.

Yep, it’s time to earn your keep. Look, Mr. 26-year-old “phenom,” you were paid $3.65 million last season for a whopping nine starts (inning only one of them, might I add). That’s over $405,000 per game for your brilliant 7.21 season average ERA.

I have no praise for you, Mark. None. Ask me why.

I’ll tell you why…because other Cubs wounded ducks (read: Kerry Wood) at least WANT to pitch. Wood is legitimately upset that he may never be a starter again. Granted, he gave up a salami yesterday (with a few strikeouts to boot) in relief work. But you know why we tolerate him and hate you? Because you don’t give a rat’s ass where you are, so long as you’re getting paid. The “C” on your red and blue cap may as well stand for “criminal.” You’ve stolen the hearts of the Cubs faithful only to trample us undercleat.

I wish I could show up to work, complain about some carpal tunnel, and get sent to a temp job making the same money I do full-time.

Keeping you and Wood on the roster has once again buried the symbolic head on the body of work that is Cubs ownership deep in its own ass. Signing Ted Lilly for a ridiculous amount of money is somehow the equivalent of sticking out your tongue while your head is up there, just to savor the taste of all those other shitty decisions.

Cubs fans are idiots for their loyalty, and I can say that because I am one. I hate us more than those bastard White Sox right now, and that’s saying a lot.

Outside of pitching, the Cubs are good…on paper. Lee’s back in the lineup, and Soriano will add some slugging percentage to the front end. Ramirez is solid in the dirt, and we own quality behind the plate as well. There’s a good chance we’ll win more than 50 percent of our games.

That’s not my “official” Cubs prediction this year, though. I only really have one prediction for the 2007 Cubs season:

Lou Pinella will have a heart attack in the dugout sometime before the All-Star break within minutes of beating the living hell out of Larry Rothchild.