Barack's Super Bowl Musings

It’s the start of Super Bowl week and I couldn’t think of a better way to break down next Sundays’ game than through the eyes of Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

The young Senator has recently announced his intentions of seeking the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential Election, and I for one hope he gets it. As a young Republican, I must say I have been completely let down by Bush V2.0 and have lost faith in the party all together. I feel like the college girl who wakes up in a boy’s apartment after a drunken tryst and can’t find her underwear. I’ve been taken advantage of, and I don’t like it. Unless Giuliani runs, Barack is getting my vote...

But I digress. Barack is the hottest thing in Illinois politics since Governor Ryan’s drivers license scheme opened the over-the-road trucking profession to hundreds of would-be morons who couldn’t handle a Yugo let alone a Big Rig.

And to make things even more interesting, at least for our purposes, he also happens to be a Bears fan. So on this day, a mere 150 hours from the biggest moment in Lovie Smith’s career, we enter the head of Barack Obama.

Barack on Lovie Smith:

"Dick Juron. What a fuckin' moron. This shit is easy."

Barack’s proud of Lovie. He’s taken a 5-11 team and turned them into Super Bowl contenders in 3 seasons. Barack can see the parallels between Dick Juron and George Bush, and plans on using Lovie’s model for immediate improvement if and when elected to the White House. Added Bonus: Lovie has a White Wife.

Barack on Brian Urlacher:

"Honey, take that man for all you can sister!"

Barack sees the Bears MLB for what he is; fast, vicious, a master of the trade. He also knows of ‘Lach’s taste for young black women, but Barack doesn’t mind sparing a few of his Nubian Princesses’ for the cause.

"We did it in an alley behind Gino's East. It was HOT."

But in the same breath, he mounted Paris Hilton, and that's just gross. Still, Barack respects Urlacher for being a true swordsman.

Barack on Rex Grossman:

"Block that guy right there or I'll have to come up with a clever exuse."

Obama loves Grossman’s confidence. Throw 3 interceptions in a game? Tell the media you’ll do better. Have a ZERO passer rating? Say you made some bad choices. Barack can see how this can be used in his political career.

Barack on Thomas Jones:

"Shit. Tank Johnson ain't no Gangsta. I'm Gangsta."

Obama enjoys watching Jones hit the hole and sprint down field. While he may not be the second coming of Walter Payton, Barack believes Jones is a nice fit for the offense, but he’s concerned with that tattoo on his neck. Could he be a gang banger?

Barack on Peyton Manning:

"I like Black People. See."

It’s obvious to Barack that anyone with such a southern drawl must be a republican, a member of the confederacy, and or a descendent of slave owners. While Peyton may understand the game of football, Barack hopes God has mercy on his soul.

Barack on Tony Dungy:

"That little fucker better listen to me next weekened or I'ma smack the taste outta Archie's mouth."

Obama respects Dungy because Lovie does. He’s happy to see another black man in the position Dungy has found himself in, but deep down has a burning hatred for him. Barack is perturbed by the number of times Peyton has disregarded his coach on 4th down and short, waved off the punt team, and went for the first down. Barack knows that Tony has to stand up to his young white QB and if need be, ‘smack a ho.’

Barack on Super Bowl XLI:
Simple. Bears 32 – Colts 24