Post-Sugar Bowl Hysteria from a madman...

One of my favorite jokes of all time:

What do Notre Dame and weed have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.

Once again, the lepre-cons has proven why America is beginning to smell the stink the Fighting Irish have left on their attempts at BCS glory. The gold-helmeted dunderheads have lost nine straight bowl appearances, leaving the Irish faithful to wonder how they would have fared had Lou Holtz stayed in South Bend offering his mushmouthed motivational meanderings in the postseason.

Truth is, Notre Dame has been a mid-major program for the last decade. You can’t cushion an already weak season schedule consisting of wins against North Carolina, Stanford and Purdue with three wins against military teams and declare yourself the media baby and a national title contender…can you?

That’s a question for Boise State head coach Chris Peterson to consider as he confronts the media about how the still-undefeated Broncos would fare in the championship game against Ohio State. Would they have a chance? Probably not…but those making the case are raising some serious questions about conference discrepancies, media bias, and team talent.

When we say that a 13-0 Boise State team can’t hang with a 12-0 Ohio State team, each of us relies on a set of variables to make that decision. How strong were their conference and non-conference schedules? What were the margins for victories or losses? How did they do at home compared to away games? How do their offensive and defensive schemes compare? Mathematically, things get tricky when assessing all of these variables. Now, plug those exponential possibilities into a variable we can’t account for – the insensibility of human opinion – and what do you have?

That’s right! The BCS!

I’m no mathematician, but I can calculate that discrepancies occur when humans are involved. The term media bias is an oxymoron…the media, as an independent entity, gives no shits. The people driving the media do. Until there’s a way to break the human sway on these issues, everything will still look muddled.

Let’s imagine for a moment what the BCS would be like if part of its outcome was not based upon human biases. Bye-bye Harris Poll…so long Coach’s Poll…good riddance AP poll. All we’d have left is factually-generated computer analysis, and finally a more accurate idea of how two teams would match up in a BCS Bowl, right?

Perhaps it would, but weigh that against this little nugget of conspiracy from the bcsfootball.org Web site:

“The conference commissioners and the Notre Dame athletics director make decisions regarding all BCS issues, in consultation with an athletics directors advisory group and subject to the approval of a presidential oversight committee whose members represent all 117 Division 1-A programs.”

So here we’ve come full-circle. In our attempt to limit Notre Dame’s impact on post-seasonal positioning, we’ve discovered that with no non-BCS Bowl tie-ins, the Irish are seemingly guaranteed a spot in the BCS if their record trickles over the .500 mark.

So here’s what I say, Notre Dame…

1. Quit hiding behind the fact that you help out the service academies by playing them every year. You and your fans must only use one hand to pat yourselves on the back every year since you all need the other to collectively swat away the notion that Notre Dame isn’t as good as they think they are…AGAIN.

2. Quit hiding behind your storied program history. Princeton, Yale, Dartmouth, and Army won national championships in the past too…but they’re smart enough to know their place now.

This dominating 1884 Yale squad
went 8-0-1 -- with only 16 players.
Chris Gamble, eat your heart out!
All these guys played both sides
of the ball!


Finally, getting back to the BCS nonsense…let’s say Florida beats OSU for the national title.

Florida lost to Auburn, who lost to Georgia, who lost to Vanderbilt, who lost to Old Miss, who lost to Missouri, who lost to Oregon State…

…but Oregon State beat then #3 USC, who went on to trample former #2 Michigan in the Rose Bowl.

I can see the Gameday tagline next year:

“College football: More senseless than Bush’s propaganda!”

I need a drink.

OLD PEOPLE DRIVING!

I can hear the jokes already.

“He’ll beat you on the track and then tell ya to stay the hell off his lawn.”
“If they put an Country Kitchen Buffet at the finish line, he’ll be the first to cross it.”
“Betcha $10 he’ll be wearing Depends for the race.”
“If he wrecks can he hit his Medic Alert Necklace and Shout, ‘Help! I’ve flipped a NASCAR and I can’t get up?’”
“If he pops a Viagra before the race, he’s got it.”

I could go on and on.

Bet you’re asking yourself “what the fuck is he talking about now?” Well, in a sport that never fails to entertain, there’s a new (old) name on the block. Rumors are flying around NASCAR that James Harvey Hylton will run in the Daytona 500.

Who the hell is James Harvey Hylton you ask? Only the NASCAR Grand National Division Rookie of the Year!

...in 1966. Yes, '66.

Forty-one years ago this guy could handle a piece of Detroit Steel. During his career he finished second in points in 1966, 1967, and 1971. He also won the 1970 Richmond 400, the 1970 NASCAR Grand American Citrus 250, and the 1972 Talladega 500. He currently drives the #48 in the ARCA RE/MAX Series.


PHOTO CREDIT: ARCAracing.com

Sounds impressive, huh? Unfortunately, Mr. Hylton wasn’t two years old when he started driving, he was a grown man, which will put him at the ripe old age of 73 for next month's Daytona 500.

Who in the hell in their right mind would put this old bastard behind the wheel of a multi-million dollar race car? Just one of the biggest names in NASCAR, Richard Childress. With backing like that, he might even have a shot.

For as much as I’d love to give this old bird guff, I can’t. He’s just a good old boy livin’ the dream baby…livin’ the dream.

NFL Playoffs 2007: Wild Card Weekend – A Guide to Getting Paid.

Photo Credit: SI.com

So my boy Rhino posted his take on the College Bowl scene. It’s his game, and I’m not really one to comment on it. While I enjoy NCAA Football, mostly because of the sweet tailgating experience and the plethora of extremely attractive coeds, I’m not a freak, or at least a freak in the sense that Rhino is.

I prefer the NFL. And because of that preference, I also prefer to GAMBLE on the NFL. I stay away from betting on college sports in general, for reasons I care not to divulge here. Let’s just say you stick with what you know.

That said, here’s my breakdown of the first round, aka Wild Card Weekend.

KC Chiefs @ Indy Colts (LINE: Colts -7, o/u51)

I’ve heard a lot of people who claim to know football to say this one is a lock. That Archie’s #1 son will tear through the Chiefs questionable defense. But the problem I see here is that his time on the field is going to be limited. Let’s face it, William “The Refrigerator” Perry could rush for 150 yards against the Colts. And the Chiefs happen to have a RB who’s slightly better…Larry Johnson. Look for Johnson to carry the ball upwards of 40 times, eating the clock and keeping Manning on the sidelines. Better yet, when KC gets the lead, Payton will start to make some bad decisions and will look more like Eli. Not only does KC COVER, they win outright.

KC+7

Dallas Cowboys @ Seattle Seahawks (LINE: Seahawks-3, o/u46.5)

This one will go down as “The Romo Game.” I say that because I strongly think that Dallas QB Tony Romo will make Sexy Rex Grossman look like Joe Namath. In his first playoff game, look for Romo to turn the ball over early and often. Seattle’s got more experience in key positions and a coach who doesn’t have the body of Patrick from Sponge Bob. Seattle will win at home and send the Tuna packing.

SEAHAWKS -3

NY Jets @ NE Patriots (LINE: Patriots -9, o/u37.5)

Hate to say it, but you’ve got to go with Brady. The kid has proven himself time & time again in the playoffs, and will do it again this year taking his team deep. After an embarrassing shut out loss to Miami, Brady has led the Pats to three straight wins, posting 40 points twice. He’s coming into this game with a hot hand, and will guide his team to another playoff win.

PATS -9

NY Giants @ Philly Eagles (LINE: -6.5 o/u46.5)

Philadelphia’s hot, winning 5 straight to close out the season. The Giants are coming off a big win vs. Washington that they desperately needed after two ugly losses, one of which came at the hands of Philly. The difference maker in this game: Eli Manning. He will continue to shit the bed when it comes to pressure situations. Both of Archie’s boys will be out of the payoffs in round one. Philly. BIG.

Eagles -6.5

Happy New Year 'N Shit...

So it’s 2007. Whew. Anther year has come and gone. We’re all one year older, which for most men transitioning from their 20’s into their 30’s (our demographic) means a little fatter, a little balder, a little richer, and more aware of the sporting world. Why more aware you ask? Most of us have been sports fans for years, why at this age are we suddenly more aware?

Simple. During these transitional years, most of us have gotten married, bought a house, and are doing our damnedest to live the American Dream. We have careers now, not JOBS. We own cars with leather seating. We have TV’s that are as big paintings hanging in art museums. We take sophisticated vacations that have a purpose other than getting hammered and having sex in another state. We have started our own families, most consisting of a dog and a wife, some adding a child into the mix.

With everything going on in our lives, we migrate to one staple that the noise provided by all the things mentioned in the above paragraph (and those that chose to leave out) cannot bury. The one thing we’ve all been bonded by since pee-wee baseball and pop-warner football. Sports.

The world of Sports brings us together when we’re kids, awkward little people who would rather pick a dandy lion in right field than pay attention to the game. And we don’t know it at that age, when we’re first thrust into the scene, that the world we’ve joined is more than that of an athlete. But we can see it in our father’s eyes. Their willingness to play catch after a long day at work. Their ability to pull strings and make it to the game. How amazingly proud they are when you catch a fly ball to record the last out or make a tackle at the end of the game. When you step onto the field as a child, you become something more than a player, an athlete, and a fan. You become a man.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself what in the hell is this serious piece doing in a sports blog where the writers are more concerned about Boobs, Beers, and fart jokes, but it all comes full circle. Shit like this is what I think about when a new year begins.

Especially in 2007, when in four short months, I stand to become a Dad. Yup. In +/-146 days I will have a living, breathing creation which proves that all the liquor and illicit substances I’ve poured into my body for the better part of 10 years haven’t affected my swimmers. No siree Bob. My junk works.

Now, with all of that out there for the world to digest, I’d like to make a few (how fucking cliché’ am I) predictions for the year to come. I’ll break it down monthly so all you slow pricks can follow…

January 2007
I’ll get completely hammered on New Year’s Eve. Jagermeister will get the best of me for the last time, after December 31, 2006 I won’t be able to pull that shit. And, per standard custom I will spend Jan 1, 2007 planted firmly on the couch cussing the bastard who forced those shots down my throat.

Bobby Knight will cry in public, proving he’s human.

Norte Dame will WIN a Bowl game. No one will care.

Ohio State will be crowned National Champions after a close win over the Florida Gators. Again, no one will care.

I will turn 29, one short step from 30. Fuck I’m old….

The Chicago Bears will beat Eli Manning and the Giants in the second round of the NFL play offs, only to lose their next game to the Saints.

The Denver Nuggets will be forced to play with 6th Graders from a local Elementary School after their entire team gets suspended following a bench clearing brawl.

Nick Saban takes the Alabama job and the $40M they dangle in his face.

February 2007
I will spend Super Bowl weekend in a drunken haze in Los Vegas. I will watch the Saints lose the Super Bowl to San Diego on a 30’ screen at Caesars Palace. I will report live from Vegas and Rhino will cry in his beer over memories of 2004. And like years past, I will pick a winner that will fail to cover the spread. After the game LaDainian Tomlinson will publicly tell Emmitt Smith to suck his nuts.

Pitchers and catchers will report to spring training. Sammy Sosa will bounce from camp to camp looking for somewhere to catch on. To many GM’s dismay, he shows up looking like Willie Mays Hayes.

Dale Jr. kisses the wall at Daytona and not only lives, but wins. He cries in the winners circle and announces his retirement.

A.I. goes Brian Wilson, locking himself in a room with a stripper, a wolverine, and 10 kilos of blow. He refuses to come out unless his cousin Pookey produces TuPac and Biggie, who a delusional Iverson insists are still alive.

March 2007
Bill Cower announces his retirement, stating he’s moving on to bigger things. He will become a face model for toothpaste commercials.

The NCAA hands Bob Knights Red Raiders an invite to the 2007 tourney even though they’re 3 games over .500. Knight, stunned by the offer, leads his team to the Championship game, which Texas Tech wins.

April 2007
Barry Zito gets hit with a line drive in his debut with the Giants and breaks his elbow. Peter Magowan shits his pants, Barry Bonds laughs.

May 2007
My wife takes one more step closer to 30.

The Memphis Grizzlies get the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft Lottery after finishing the season with only 16 wins.

The Kentucky Derby is won by Barbaro who completes the biggest come back in sporting history.

The world is introduced to my attempt at procreation.

June 2007
The Phoenix Suns win the NBA Championship.

Bret Favre announces his retirement. He sobs like a little girl at the press conference as does the entire state of Wisconsin.

The Buffalo Sabres win the Stanly Cup. No one over the age of 19 and south of International Falls cares.

The Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the MBL Post Season.

July 2007
Tiger Woods’ wife, uber-hottie Elin Nordegren gives birth to a healthy baby boy whom they promptly name Nike.

Bret Favre holds a press conference to announce he’s decided to return to the NFL. His heartburn is driving him nuts while he sits at home in Mississippi, and he knows he can break that TD record. Ends press confrence by shouting "Fuck Marino."

August 2007
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo found dead in a hotel room after choking on his own vomit in his sleep. A fitting end to the life of an EIU Grad.

Pedro returns to the Mets who are 10 games under .500.

September 2007
The NFL announces that all its players are to stay out of any establishment that may be deemed a “Club” after the 17th player is shot this year. Any violation of this rule will result in a permanent ban from football.

The Yankees lose in Toronto on September 11 to the league’s first Saudi pitcher. After the game Jason Giambi kills him with his bare hands, not because of his ethnicity, but because he thought he was Johnny Damon...because EVERYBODY hates Johnny Damon.

October 2007
Vlad Guerrero’s knee finally gives out, just in time for the playoffs.

The NBA attempts to introduce another “new” ball during pre season of the 2007-2008 season. This one is made of latex. All of the players refuse to use it, saying it makes the game feel different.

The Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series. George Steinbrenner drops dead of heart attack upon hearing the news.

MAMQB writer Rudedogg gets hitched and joins the ranks of the happily married suckers around the world.

November 2007
The Dallas Cowboys, with Vinnie Testaverde at QB, win on Thanksgiving. Bill Parcells celebrates by jumping up and down on the sidelines until the crotch in his Mom-Jeans gives out, exposing his front butt on national TV.

Wayne Gretzky comes out of retirement to fund his wife’s gambling habit.

The powers that be at the BCS get their heads out of their asses and announce a ten game playoff to determine the best team in college football.

December 2007
Maurice Clarett is released from jail for good behavior. He voices a desire to come back to the NFL, but is shot dead a week after his release. No one is surprised.

Ohio State, after a dismal season, is given a bid to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl…and lose…to Marshall.

Back Yard Football?

Big, big ups to the Broncos. No, not Denver, even though they do deserve some pub after falling flat on their faces this weekend, delivering a giant shit sandwich to a home crowd losing to the lowly 49ers. Any team which ventures inside the opponents red zone 3 times and once down to the 1 yard line and cannot get into the end zone deserves to be sitting at home while real men play in the post season. Fucking losers.

I digress. The intent here was to talk about the other Broncos. The ones from Boise State. After their 12-0 season, these Broncos were selected to play Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. People in the sports world were laughing at this match up. Yes, Boise State was undefeated, but they play in a no-name conference. Oklahoma (#7) would surly win this game in the desert, played for the first time away from Tempe at University of Phoenix (not at a college, but the WEBISTE) Stadium in Glendale.

The Broncos of Boise State were determined to prove they were worthy of the big game nod. They held an 18 point lead in the third quarter, only to slowly watch is slip away. With one minute left on the clock in regulation, Boise State QB Jared Zabransky dropped back and threw a pass to his left. It was intercepted and taken to the house. This game was all but over. Boise State now trailed 35-28 with 1:02 left.

They quickly found themselves in more trouble, standing near mid field with seconds to go, facing a 4th and 18. The Sooners had this one in the bag. Until the Broncos ran a hook-and-ladder. Yup. You heard it. With seconds left in a BCS game and undefeated season on the line, Boise State head coach Chris Peterson calls a play glorified by Back Yard Quarterbacks around the nation. And they ran it to perfection, tying the score and sending the game into Overtime.

In overtime, Sooners running back Adrian Peterson took a hand off to the left, bounced outside, and waltzed into the end zone on the first play from scrimmage. Boise State had to answer the bell again.

Inside the 10 yard line, the Broncos lined up in the shot gun. Then QB Zabransky went in motion. WR Vinnie Peretta took the snap, rolled right, and hit a man in the end zone with a great touch pass. One point would tie it up again. But that wasn’t enough for Boise State. What was the good in being tied again? Their defense was tired and they were not going to stop Oklahoma. So Broncos Coach Peterson called for a two point conversion for the win.

I’ve gotta say, I love the call. Regardless of the outcome of the game, Peterson did what any GOOD coach is hired to do…put his team in the best situation to WIN. With one play from the 2 yard line, this game could be over. He’d look like a genius, his team would end the story book run.

So, with their nuts exposed to the world, the Boise State Broncos lined up for one final play. The call? Maybe a play action pass to a tight end? I blast up the middle behind their biggest lineman? A fade to your best leaping WR in the corner of the end zone?

Nope. The State of Liberty. With 3 wide to his right, Broncos QB took the snap, cocked, and handed the ball off behind his back to his running back who cruised into the end zone for the win.

And do you want Story Book? An ending that only the writers of some Teen-Angst Drama could script? That RB, Ian Johnson scored the winning TD, ran to his girlfriend on the sideline who is a Cheerleader at Boise State, dropped to a knee and asked for her hand in marriage.

Of course, she said yes.

But after all this, Boise State may be surrounded in controversy. One day after winning a game they weren't supposed to be playing in the first place, the Boise State Broncos are making many people question why a team that's 13-0 isn't playing for the National Championship.

Could the Broncos beat Ohio State? Who knows. But they should be given a CHANCE. I'm sure Coach Peterson has a few plays in his book that we'd all love to see.